ALIAS POOR YORICK

   So this is what happens when you get stoned at MIP-TV with a dodgy Australian producer called Root MacPherson. We were playing Two-up behind the Lionsgate pavilion. It hurts to say this, but I was losing. I'm pretty sure they were changing the rules every time we smoked another joint, but I may be confusing contiguity with causation here. And forgetting that I was playing a game of chance with people from a country where they win philosophical arguments by saying Mate that won't pass the pub test. For those of you unfortunate enough to live in parts of the world where "pub" is not in common usage, a pub is a place where people gather possibly too often and drink possibly too much alcohol. Hey. No judgement here, but in my experience The Pub is not in fact a place of Higher Learning where things are discussed in a calm and logical fashion in order to reach conclusions which are both sound and agreeable. Australians do not in general agree with me on this. And someti...

  Good morning, And I mean that. I'm Peter Dutton, the Leader of the Opposition, which means you can trust me when I say Good Morning. Not like that shifty Anthony Allebreezy or whatever his name is, you know, that chap who'd have you believe he's the Prime Minister. Well what I'd like to know is why he doeasn't just get on with the business of being Prime Minister instead of buying clifftop mansions for $4.3 million and flying all over the place First Class and being charming and funny on Spicks and Specks that well-known hiding place for communists and terrorist-sympathisers. That Adam Hill I don't trust him at all, he's only got one leg you know. And he keeps growing a beard which is how you can tell he's a terrorist at heart because well we all know terrorists have beards so they can hide weapons of mass destruction strapped to their necks instead of wearing a shirt and tie like normal people like me. Bloody foreigners. They come from overseas you kn...

 Thank you for joining us to celebrate 14 years of Alias Poor Yorick. You are all very kind. Pictured above is our CEO and Editor Jeff Browett. We think he is, as usual, trying to prove he really can talk underwater. Later he will attempt to blow out birthday candles underwater so that might be worth tuning in for (1130 AEST).  In the meantime the junior members of staff are celebrating our BIG FOURTEEN by getting drunk like 14 yr olds. This involves drinking 6 longnecks of DB Lager in half an hour before going into the party, and almost always ends with an hour of throwing up in a flowerbed before passing out. Seasoned party goers amongst our staff ... what am I saying, seasoned party goers are our staff. Anyway they appear to be pacing themselves, drinking coffee and reminiscing in French ..ah oui. Ou sont les cocaine binges d'antan ? before joing the senior editorial staff to gaze on the paper mountains of glowing reviews, encouraging comments, and official accolades we've ...

You'll need some fanatics. Bunnings has a good selection but if you're shopping on a Friday you'll be wanting to get there early as the best ones are usually taken by sundown. Keep women out of it as they tend to have a moderating and ecumenical approach, which is the last thing you want. Beards. You want as many beards as possible. Blokes with beards, automatic weapons, and a family history of mental illness going back at least three generations.                                          Next. Right. You've only got a couple of hours left so get a move on, lickety-split, and pick a fight at the UN in the morning session. Anything'll do. Complain that China's trying to keep you off the Security Council because you've been buying all your catmeat from Taiwan. Lodge a formal motion of censure. Then do a weird long and rambling lunchtime interview claiming that the Koran is a deep fake I...

The thing is  I've been chatting with my profile enhancement team about 'keeping it real' & they've suggested that I need to drop that fourth wall and talk to you directly about the man behind the billionaire blogger, CEO of the vast blogging empire ALIAS POOR YORICK, rich and famous and adored by dozens. About the real me. Just an ordinary bloke. A regular dude. And I can assure you that fame and wealth have not changed me a bit. Sure there's the odd extravagance: I bought NZ as a weekender, and I can afford to floss with spider silk, but underneath all that I'm just a man who puts his trousers on one leg at a time. Obviously I'm a very busy man so I employ a team of specialists to put my trousers on, but I have spoken to the team leader and he assures me my trousers are in fact put on one leg at a time. Just like an ordinary man....  Perhaps if I take you through an average day - I wake up, skype Sting and we do a little yoga togethe...

Justin Timberlake yesterday pleaded guilty to three separate charges of being Justin Timberlake and one secondary charge of attempting a crap joke when he refused to take a roadside sobriety test because the officer had not allowed him sufficient rehearsal time. Mr Timberlake was sentenced to six months of not being Justin Timberlake, and ordered to do 28 days of community service which will consist of lecturing Justin Bieber about the dangers of being too pretty. In other news from the People's Republic of America, Donald Trump has been found guilty on 457 charges of being Donald Trump both on a State and Federal level. Mr Trump's team of eight hundred and four lawyers have told reporters he will be appealing. There is so far no evidence of this & a totally legitimate world-wide survey taken over the weekend has revealed that approximately three billion people would really like Mr Trump to fuck off and die. And then fuck off some more. No further. Further. We can still see...

  In a brief but terrifying speech last month Opposition Leader and Shadow Minister for Blunt Force Trauma, Peter John Edward Normal Name Dutton, said it was all the fault of foreigners and if we wanted to get more houses for real proper Australians we should put a stop to foreigners altogether before they come over here and buy up all our invisible houses and rent them out to their university student families with names like Tran and deWahlui and Ma Zedong.  You know I'm right, said Dutton, I've been right before and I'll be right again. It's all their fault, those darned foreigners. Why can't they just stay home and send their money without annoying us with their actual physical presence. I'm a busy man, spluttered Herr Von Dutton, and so are all the blokes in my shadow cabinet, even the girls. We've got nuclear power stations to build and sadly dated monetary policies to pursue. I simply don't have time to deal with people who have names that are impo...

 Repeat after me. Deep-fake. It was a frame-up. I wasn't there, I didn't do it, you can't prove a thing. It wasn't real cocaine and when I find the bastard who sold it to me for $500 there'll be questions. I'm sorry, where was I ? Ah yes.  Now before you get into the gory business of implausible deniability you'll need a costume change. Pictured above is one of my personal favourites: Chinese opium smoking jacket, purple Pumas, and babyshit brown Tommy Hilfiger boxer briefs (not shown) If you're the recently-deposed leader of a political party you may wish to accessorise with something like a paper bag containing with $200K in cash. Or a Maserati Quattroporte parked outside your humble ground floor electoral office. The purpose of all this flim flam is, of course, to dismay and confuse your persecutors. Remember, you are totally fucking innocent & appearing to be mildly deranged as well will do no harm whatsoever. Repeat after me: this is a deep-fake...

 It was a day like any other day. Except it was dark, so it might have been night. I'd got up early to check out the Nikkei with a view to starting a bear run on Tesla stock because fuck Elon Musk Nothing personal, he just  really gives me the shits. I met him once, at Davos. Beat him at 3 dimensional chess and he still hasn't paid up, I mean it was only fifty grand and it was his idea to make it Krugerand. The OG of currencies. He accused me of cheating by knowing the rules, called me a poofter Star Trek tragic and stormed off. At least I can spell my childrens' names, I retorted wittily. Hey. I know. Let's see who can make the most anagrams of your name in one minute. Double or nothing. Or are you afraid of a challenge, Mr Lone Skum. Or should that be Noel Smuk. What about Mone Sulk ? Eh ? Eh ? But he was gone. Stormed off in a petulant frenzy. Which I still think is a stupid name for a car.                       ...

 It's Day 1463 of the Tour de France. Your Facebook feed is full of promos for Lifestyle Community real estate opportunities and funeral plans. And it's your birthday tomorrow. Your spouse got Putin & Rasputin the Borsoi Hounds and the fake Brett Whiteleys in the divorce settlement before buggering off to Noosa to spend some quality time with her Pilates instructor Pieter the former Olympic gymnast and professional Scandinavian. And it's your birthday tomorrow. You wouldn't mind so much if they hadn't fucked off with the last of the cocaine and your best three bottles of Grange Hermitage. And your favourite corkscrew. And it's your birthday tomorrow. You've spent the night watching Inspector Morse and repeats of Parliament Question Time. Bob Katter has just asked his usual colourfully incoherent question, rabbiting on about the contribution of Christianity to Modern Society. Something to do with having got rid of human sacrifice, Snake River Gods, and Sa...

I know what you're thinking: he's given away this whole blogging empire thing to take up that offer of the lead role in the Warrigal Players revival of "Mame". And believe me, it was tempting. But it's not the truth. We apologise. We're sorry. And there's really no excuse for it, which is why there's this excuse for it. And we'd like to apologise in advance for the poor quality of this excuse. What can I say, things have not been going well around here. You'll have noticed an absence of posts over the past seven weeks. I blame my idiot nephew Tarquin for a start off. Out-sourcing our entire diphthong production to Uzbekistan was, not to put too fine a point on it, fucking insane. This is the last time I take a holiday in July. It was big fun but. Went on one of those reality-adventure holidays. Got to steal actual oil-tankers with actual Somali pirates. Cool as. Next year I'm off on a truly authentic trek to the North Pole. Poorly p...

                                                                                                                ARRIVAL CARD                                        Please answer all questions, except that one about pikelets. It really shouldn't be there, it just seemed like a good idea at the time. Welcome to New Zealand, and hey, we don't make fun of your vowel sounds. 1. Are you visiting for the Rugby World Cup ?  (a) yes  (b) n...

 

You've woken up feeling rested and refreshed. You have picked a great day to give up smoking. Congratulations. This is going rto be a piece of piss. Your lungs are already applauding. You make coffee and open up a copy of your new favourite magazine Bread & Circuses. There is a picture of Donald Trump entering the Republican Convention with God on one side of him and the asst treasurer of the American Nazi Party on the other. God is not pictured but obviously he's there. To look after Mr Trump. This is not good. Maybe you've picked a bad day to give up smoking. You turn on ABC Breakfast Television where they are promising to cut to their new American correspondent. It is Elmo from Sesame Street. ?You have picked a truly terrible day to give up smoking, but you're off to meet up with a bunch of friends for coffee and you've stupidly commited to giving up smoking today. You put on three pairs of sunglasses so you can do Lloyd Bridges in Flying High going "loo...

GUEST EDITOR LORD BADEN-BADEN POWELL Our guest editor tap-dances deftly through the minefield that is modern etiquette. GOVT HEALTH WARNING: Contains the phrase "fuck off and die" BAD HAIR DAY "How's your hair been?" This is what my hairdresser actually said to me. It is true. I am a bitcoin-billionaire comedy blogger, I would not lie to you about a thing like that. I sighed deeply and then told her everything. It was such a relief to let it all out, to have someone to talk to ... Well Skyelah, I said, it's been pure hell. Some days it's just moody, other days it barely even talks to me. It simply will not do what I want it to do. My life is a painful parade of bad hair days. Who knew you could end up with hair with issues. I don't want to be a panic-slut but I think my hair is on drugs. I mean I know it's drinking, coming in at all hours looking like a cheap Rod Stewart, refusing to tell me where it's been and the language it...

  Lost in the mists of the time before time began, or certainly before the QWERTY keyboard was widely accepted, lived men whose lives were the stuff of legend. This the story of one such man. And the men who fought beside him. And half a dozen guys from catering. And a donkey. Also there might have been some goats and an irritatingly brave thirteen-year-old boy who lied about his age in order to run away from home and join the battle. But I digress. Quiltstorm the Adequate turned to his men assembled on the eve of battle, and addressed them: "Men. It is the eve of battle. We are hopelessly outnumbered. I can only offer you death and glory. Who is with me ?" There was a considerable amount of shuffling and throat-clearing. Men looked at the ground, or at their watches. Or rather at the empty space on their wrists where watches would have been had anyone bothered to invent them instead of piss-farting about fighting wars, torturing non-believers, and pret...

Dear Diary, Exhausted. Just plum tuckered out. People out there don't realise how tiring it is counting money. Especially when you've got as much as I do. And sometimes by the end of the day I've got quite a lot more than when I started, and then I have to count it all over again ! It's really hard ! And then yesterday I was up to 14 billion, 476 million and I got interrupted by a serf and I lost count. Pshaw ! Well of course I had him beheaded. You have to really. Otherwise they don't respect you. And I'm still gasping with shock over finding out about the minimum wage. Gosh gee whizz it's just awful. $606 is far far too much. And then imagine my further shock when I found out you have to pay them this every week !!!!! I thought it was just a one-off payment. We're doomed, I'm telling you this for nothing dear diary. If this sort of wanton behaviour carries on we'll end up with a world ruled by communists, cross-dressers, and giant heroi...

 They say there are only two things certain in life : Death and taxes. This may be true of mere mortals but Kerry Packer was no mere mortal. He didn't fear death or taxes. He didn't believe in either of them. Death was for losers, he used to say to me, and taxes are for the weak and feeble-minded. For many years the friendly tussle with the ATO would go like this ATO : Mr Packer, you earn a lot of money. It's time to pay some tax KERRY PACKER : Fuck off ATO   You're right of course. We'll just ...ah .. fuck off. Is this far enough ? KERRY PACKER   More  ... fuck off some more So how did I meet Kerry Packer, and how did that lead to the founding of this cult comedy publication now loved and revered by literally dozens of the International Discernarati ? This was wartime. Lots of wars, all the time. Lots of wars in deserts and they're always the best sort. I was a country boy with a pocketful of dreams about writing lots of short sentences about war. And in t...

TOMORROW Humid. Cloudy. Windy. Hot. Sunny. Wet. Triangular. High chance of showers and storms with possibility of thunder and lightning very very frightening in the early morning and the late morning and also during the early and late parts of the afternoon, with strong possibility of very similar weather patterns in the middle of the afternoon and that weird part of the morning when it's too late for morning tea and a wee bit early for lunch. Winds will tend South, East, SS East and North-Easterly with an insignificant statistical probability of getting anywhere near a Westerly direction but you can never be sure about these things.  There is a 50% chance of rain at various time of the day, sunny periods during the times of the day when there's less cloud, and a 60% chance of baffling statistics after lunch. A nap wouldn't be a bad idea. Do not swim while you are sleeping. Always wear clean underwear and carry a spare handkerchief. And a jumper. I don't like...

  BY SPECIAL GUEST EDITOR GARY JAASON GERBILS I'm sure you recognise me from my best selling book "Soon AI Will Be Able  To Write Comedy ?Here, Hold My Beer", but of course I'm more famous for having set up Australasia's first proper advertising agency MAAAATE shortly after the war. I was also the genius who suggested changing the name of the game from Propaganda to Advertising. It was 1948 and Propaganda still had a bit of a wee pong about it. Besides, I said, call it Advertising and we'll right at the top of the first page of the Yellow Pages (at least until those smartarse arty pricks Mune and Donaldson come along with Aardvark Films. C---s). And "Hold my beer" That was mine. It was 1949. Me and a mate were having a quiet beer down then waterfront at the Seagulls Revenge, and this big bastard, Marxist, pissed as a parrot starts mouthing off about advertising being the worst kind of parasitic capitalistic evil and if anyone can explain to him the n...

Hello, Good Morning, and fear me please. Stand back in awe and wonder and shiver slightly at my sheer fabulousness. I am Kim Jong-un  and I am the God Scorpion chosen to guard the jewel that is North Korea and protect it from the decadence that is the West. And the rest. You are all a serious fucking worry. I should at this stage point out to you that my remarks here this morning are being translated by my good personal friend, and recently adopted brother, Kim Jeff-oh shit yeah. He is a fabulously talented and gorgeous human, possibly the funniest man who has ever lived, and you should be paying him vast amounts of money to do whatever he wants. (* having re-checked the transcripts, it's possible that what Kim Jong-un  actually said in that last sentence was "I am a terrifyingly powerful man and if you do not arrange for Delta Goodrem to sleep with me I will destroy Seoul" You'll have to excuse me, my Korean is a little rusty. But I'm sure he wants you to...

TIGER BALM AIRLINES FLT 101 Don't talk to me about Vietnam. Don't tell me you understand. You can't, man.Not unless you've been there. It was hell. I did two tours. I still can't sleep. Da Nang .. just can't talk about it man. Hanoi ? The airport transfers were murder, the bloody air-conditioning in the hotel didn't work properly and some bastard stole my iPad, my iPod, and my iPhone.Whatever happened to the good old days when they just stole your passport ? And what the hell was Charlie Sheen doing emerging from the hotel pool with his head shaved muttering "the horror, the horror" ? I dunno what's wrong with him but he sounded as authentic as a newt. Here's a survival tip : never fly Tiger Balm airlines. You have to pay extra for everything : Food, drinks, seats, doors, trained pilots. Went to the tunnels, you know man ? And it's been a few years since those Vietnamese language lessons at Rudolph Steiner but I'm prett...

Of course I fought at Gallipoli. I was only a fetus, so I had to lie about my age. And my height. I had to lie about a lot of things. I hated the taste of beer and I didn't know the words to Waltzing Matilda, but I was buggered if I was going to let that stand in the way of dying for my country. Or someone else's country. War isn't supposed to make sense. They say the first casualty of war is truth. In my case the first casualty of war was a Louis Vuitton trunk containing my best dinner suit, three ounces of Turkish opium, and a particularly fine collection of Persian erotica. Sunk without trace after a luggage tender capsized at Alexandria. A tragedy. I was on my way to Paris to cover the war as a freelance correspondent and I had no idea of the horrors I was to face. Without a decent dinner jacket. You people have no idea. Gallipoli. It was hell. When I say I fought at Gallipoli, I really mean I saw action at Gallipoli. Well, I mean I saw some photos of the plac...

I blame Wagner. You can blame him too, if you'd like. If it'd help. It's not like he can fight back or anything, I mean he turned two hundred last week. The trouble with Wagner is that he's so bloody Wagnerian. And another thing. I checked out his comic opera The Mastersingers of Nuremberg. Not one single joke ! WTF Richard Wagner. Who would have thought that my favourite sentence of the week could be .... "And I'm sorry that's all the time we have for Wagner this morning" But on to serious matters. I have decided in the interests of mankind as a whole to spend at least one hour a day having really deep thoughts. I know you'd do it if you had the time, but hey, I'm a writer, it's not like I have a proper job or anything. So, on your behalf I will be thinking very very deeply everyday about matters of universal importance. And I'll be passing the results on to you, the lucky consumer. Now. Can of worms. Seriously people, is this t...

Why, I hear you exclaim ever so faintly, explain Easter now when it's been over for two weeks ?  Three Weeks? Nearly four ? Seriously  ? How long have I been trying to write this fucking thing? Let me explain. As many of you will know by now, a lot of our staff here at ALIAS POOR YORICK have religious objections to observing any sort of deadlines. Religious Affairs Editor, Elvis MacGregor Cohen ll ( pictured above) is no exception. To compound our difficulties Mr Cohen has been drifting in and out of a diabetic coma for the past fortnight after eating four hundred & twenty-seven Lindt Chilli Chocolate Easter eggs and we've only just managed to wrest this bit of deathless prose from his almost lifeless fingers ...... Have you ever found yourself asking why Jesus had to go and get himself crucified right at the beginning of our biggest and best public holiday ?  I mean what was God thinking ? What is Easter about anyway, and how come it never gets a mention in ...