ALIAS POOR YORICK

 It's Day 1463 of the Tour de France. Your Facebook feed is full of promos for Lifestyle Community real estate opportunities and funeral plans. And it's your birthday tomorrow. Your spouse got Putin & Rasputin the Borsoi Hounds and the fake Brett Whiteleys in the divorce settlement before buggering off to Noosa to spend some quality time with her Pilates instructor Pieter the former Olympic gymnast and professional Scandinavian. And it's your birthday tomorrow. You wouldn't mind so much if they hadn't fucked off with the last of the cocaine and your best three bottles of Grange Hermitage. And your favourite corkscrew. And it's your birthday tomorrow. You've spent the night watching Inspector Morse and repeats of Parliament Question Time. Bob Katter has just asked his usual colourfully incoherent question, rabbiting on about the contribution of Christianity to Modern Society. Something to do with having got rid of human sacrifice, Snake River Gods, and Sa...

  1. Stop taking drugs 2. Go to gym 3. Get haircut 4.  Have lunch with David Bowie 5.  Have another, better haircut 6. Write music for some movie about the internet or something ( note to self: what is Social Media 1!!?? 7. Eat two kilos of raw meant, go back to gym 8. Ring Gary Numan. Tell him "Cars" is a great song 9. Go on Ebay. Look for reasonably-priced domestic unicorn

You'll need some fanatics. Bunnings has a good selection but if you're shopping on a Friday you'll be wanting to get there early as the best ones are usually taken by sundown. Keep women out of it as they tend to have a moderating and ecumenical approach, which is the last thing you want. Beards. You want as many beards as possible. Blokes with beards, automatic weapons, and a family history of mental illness going back at least three generations.                                          Next. Right. You've only got a couple of hours left so get a move on, lickety-split, and pick a fight at the UN in the morning session. Anything'll do. Complain that China's trying to keep you off the Security Council because you've been buying all your catmeat from Taiwan. Lodge a formal motion of censure. Then do a weird long and rambling lunchtime interview claiming that the Koran is a deep fake I...

  Yesterday, 23 June, 2025, I bought a brand new second-hand Chinese quartz watch from an op-shop for $5. Today I put a !5$ battery in it & we're good to go. Is it now already ? Yes. Yes it is. Most emphatically. Our story starts in Wellington, on Wednesday 4th June on the Interisland Ferry, but if it's anything like the rest of the narrative, it will quickly grow restless and want to go back to Fri 30th May, which is when I flew into Wellington to attend the 50th Anniversary of   TVNZ's AVALON STUDIO COMPLEX where 50 years earlier colour television was unleashed on an unsuspecting public. Along with a second channel. Yes, count them folks, you now have TWO television channels to watch at any given time. Well up until midnight. Yes midnight. Late enough. Why anyone would want to watch television after midnight instead of getting a good night's sleep is perplexing, even a little worrying, but we'll say no more about it, but I think some of you people need to take...

LT COLONEL WARBURTON SMYTHE-SMYTHE, SPECIAL UNDERCOVER ENVOY APPOINTED BY UN SECURITY COUNCIL TO TALK SOME SENSE INTO THESE  The President is sitting at his desk in the Oval Office, nibbling on unicorn-liver pate and quince jam while effortlessly completing the Times Cryptic Crossword and occasionally picking at his teeth with a gold toothpick. His 23 year old Chief of Staff, Jeremy, is brushing down the familiar lumpen blue suit, too-long red tie, and orange fright wig poking out of the breast pocket. He is holding the outfit out at arms length, his disgust evident. JEREMY  I wish you didn't have to wear this.. this clownish costume, sire, God it's awful TRUMP     It is truly fucking awful. That's why I gotta wear it. The people they see me wearing that and they think He is one of us. We can trust him. Tell you what Jeremy old bean. I turn up in Armani, this White House is fucked.  JEREMY   You are, my liege, in all things, wise & witty &...

                                                                            Or should that be 'are 14 coffees too many ?' Are we talking about a situation or a quantity or in fact a situation caused by a quantity or a quantity as a result of which the situation has evolved. Or is it an amount in which case 'is' would theoretically be correct but you have to ask yourself as you teeter between 13 and 14 coffees, is correct grammar the thing to be really worried about ? And really are we talking about an objective situation here ? Some of us can drink 14 or 15 coffees and barely notice it. Is 14 coffees too much for who ? Or is that whom ? and does it matter. Is it too much for you and does that as a result automatically mean it's too much for me ? And what exactly do we mean when we...