ALIAS POOR YORICK

You've woken up feeling rested and refreshed. You have picked a great day to give up smoking. Congratulations. This is going rto be a piece of piss. Your lungs are already applauding. You make coffee and open up a copy of your new favourite magazine Bread & Circuses. There is a picture of Donald Trump entering the Republican Convention with God on one side of him and the asst treasurer of the American Nazi Party on the other. God is not pictured but obviously he's there. To look after Mr Trump. This is not good. Maybe you've picked a bad day to give up smoking. You turn on ABC Breakfast Television where they are promising to cut to their new American correspondent. It is Elmo from Sesame Street. ?You have picked a truly terrible day to give up smoking, but you're off to meet up with a bunch of friends for coffee and you've stupidly commited to giving up smoking today. You put on three pairs of sunglasses so you can do Lloyd Bridges in Flying High going "loo

GUEST EDITOR LORD BADEN-BADEN POWELL Our guest editor tap-dances deftly through the minefield that is modern etiquette. GOVT HEALTH WARNING: Contains the phrase "fuck off and die" BAD HAIR DAY "How's your hair been?" This is what my hairdresser actually said to me. It is true. I am a bitcoin-billionaire comedy blogger, I would not lie to you about a thing like that. I sighed deeply and then told her everything. It was such a relief to let it all out, to have someone to talk to ... Well Skyelah, I said, it's been pure hell. Some days it's just moody, other days it barely even talks to me. It simply will not do what I want it to do. My life is a painful parade of bad hair days. Who knew you could end up with hair with issues. I don't want to be a panic-slut but I think my hair is on drugs. I mean I know it's drinking, coming in at all hours looking like a cheap Rod Stewart, refusing to tell me where it's been and the language it

  Lost in the mists of the time before time began, or certainly before the QWERTY keyboard was widely accepted, lived men whose lives were the stuff of legend. This the story of one such man. And the men who fought beside him. And half a dozen guys from catering. And a donkey. Also there might have been some goats and an irritatingly brave thirteen-year-old boy who lied about his age in order to run away from home and join the battle. But I digress. Quiltstorm the Adequate turned to his men assembled on the eve of battle, and addressed them: "Men. It is the eve of battle. We are hopelessly outnumbered. I can only offer you death and glory. Who is with me ?" There was a considerable amount of shuffling and throat-clearing. Men looked at the ground, or at their watches. Or rather at the empty space on their wrists where watches would have been had anyone bothered to invent them instead of piss-farting about fighting wars, torturing non-believers, and pretending to

Dear Diary, Exhausted. Just plum tuckered out. People out there don't realise how tiring it is counting money. Especially when you've got as much as I do. And sometimes by the end of the day I've got quite a lot more than when I started, and then I have to count it all over again ! It's really hard ! And then yesterday I was up to 14 billion, 476 million and I got interrupted by a serf and I lost count. Pshaw ! Well of course I had him beheaded. You have to really. Otherwise they don't respect you. And I'm still gasping with shock over finding out about the minimum wage. Gosh gee whizz it's just awful. $606 is far far too much. And then imagine my further shock when I found out you have to pay them this every week !!!!! I thought it was just a one-off payment. We're doomed, I'm telling you this for nothing dear diary. If this sort of wanton behaviour carries on we'll end up with a world ruled by communists, cross-dressers, and giant heroi

 They say there are only two things certain in life : Death and taxes. This may be true of mere mortals but Kerry Packer was no mere mortal. He didn't fear death or taxes. He didn't believe in either of them. Death was for losers, he used to say to me, and taxes are for the weak and feeble-minded. For many years the friendly tussle with the ATO would go like this ATO : Mr Packer, you earn a lot of money. It's time to pay some tax KERRY PACKER : Fuck off ATO   You're right of course. We'll just ...ah .. fuck off. Is this far enough ? KERRY PACKER   More  ... fuck off some more So how did I meet Kerry Packer, and how did that lead to the founding of this cult comedy publication now loved and revered by literally dozens of the International Discernarati ? This was wartime. Lots of wars, all the time. Lots of wars in deserts and they're always the best sort. I was a country boy with a pocketful of dreams about writing lots of short sentences about war. And in the ot

TOMORROW Humid. Cloudy. Windy. Hot. Sunny. Wet. Triangular. High chance of showers and storms with possibility of thunder and lightning very very frightening in the early morning and the late morning and also during the early and late parts of the afternoon, with strong possibility of very similar weather patterns in the middle of the afternoon and that weird part of the morning when it's too late for morning tea and a wee bit early for lunch. Winds will tend South, East, SS East and North-Easterly with an insignificant statistical probability of getting anywhere near a Westerly direction but you can never be sure about these things.  There is a 50% chance of rain at various time of the day, sunny periods during the times of the day when there's less cloud, and a 60% chance of baffling statistics after lunch. A nap wouldn't be a bad idea. Do not swim while you are sleeping. Always wear clean underwear and carry a spare handkerchief. And a jumper. I don't like