Fibonacci sequence dolphin boy sex cult

 

 So this is what happens when you get stoned at MIP-TV with a dodgy Australian producer called Root MacPherson. We were playing Two-up behind the Lionsgate pavilion. It hurts to say this, but I was losing. I'm pretty sure they were changing the rules every time we smoked another joint, but I may be confusing contiguity with causation here. And forgetting that I was playing a game of chance with people from a country where they win philosophical arguments by saying Mate that won't pass the pub test. For those of you unfortunate enough to live in parts of the world where "pub" is not in common usage, a pub is a place where people gather possibly too often and drink possibly too much alcohol. Hey. No judgement here, but in my experience The Pub is not in fact a place of Higher Learning where things are discussed in a calm and logical fashion in order to reach conclusions which are both sound and agreeable. Australians do not in general agree with me on this. And sometimes, if I have angered them sufficiently, they will shake their heads sadly and go "Maaaaaaaaate". Which is a kinder gentler way of saying you are the stupidest person they have met in a long time and normally they would punch you but they're a bit tuckered out after a long discussion about Peter Dutton's energy policies and besides they quite like you and you can't help it if you're from New Zealand. Anyway. Back to the Two-up game.

So I'm down about five hundred dollar-bucks. Whatever the fuck that is. Don't you watch Bluey, they said. Well no. Who the fuck are you people and what are you talking about ? Tell you what, says my new friend Australian Television Producer Root MacPherson (no I've never heard of him either, but we're in Cannes. It doesn't matter) Tell you what mate. You're a writer, right ? Listen cobber (leave me alone, I didn't write his dialogue) I've got this fucking brilliant idea for a reality tv show. It's called Fibonacci Sequence Dolphin Boy Sex Cult. Brilliant title eh ? I nodded. Beyond brilliant, I said. It sort of sits beside brilliant and then shoots ahead and comes back to take the place of brilliant. What's it about ? What's the format ? Well cobber me old mate stone me if that isn't the fucking quintessence of its brilliance. Huh ? Did you put some opium in that last joint. What the fuck are you talking about ?, I said. At least it sounded like my voice and my lips were moving so it was probably me. Mate, he said. There is no format. How fucking original is that ? 

I agreed that this was indeed fucking original, but maybe a little difficult to sell to a network. Ah well cobber, that's where you come in. We just need a couple of kind of uber/meta punchy pages of bullshit about being part of an evolving programming landscape and something about amortising something or some shit like like that, and hey what is reality television anyway ? I mean what is reality, right ? I'd write it myself but I'm busy developing a project with Pete Evans and David Byrne called Health Food Shop on the Road to Nowhere. 

I agreed that this too was a fucking brilliant title and that the lack of format was a mere detail which would probably self-correct over time. So how much ?

Well Cobber old mate me old dingo you owe us 1000 dollar-bucks

A thousand ? I thought it was only 500

Yeah nah. You see you forget to tip your Akubra and say Come in Spinner

Oh dear, silly me. Okay. Deal. Now look just forget about format and this is what we do, we get a dozen 23yr olds who can hold their liquor and speak in complete sentences, at least until the Prosecco kicks in, stick 'em round a pool and get them to crap on about the meaning of life. We tell them their job is to think up a format or bonk as many of the other contestants as possible or both. We make sure we've got enough medical grade cocaine and ecstasy to keep them upright well you know, until they're not upright, but of course we don't tell the network that. We just guarantee the streaming service that at least four of them will be so fucked up by the end of series one they'll sue us for failing to protect their mental health and that the cases will hit court just in time for the programme launch. Everyone's a winner.

Root looked at me and said mate you are a God. I love this. I love you.

Which is Australian for "I'm actually going to pay you". 

Watch for Fibonacci Sequence Dolphin Boy Sex Cult  (c) Alias Poor Yorick  22/11/2024 

coming to SBS On Demand sometime really quite soon. 

It is possible that by the time you read this the show will be called Fibonacci Sequins Dolphin Boy Sex Cult because auto-correct thought that was a better title and I agree.