ALIAS POOR YORICK

Of course I fought at Gallipoli. I was only a fetus, so I had to lie about my age. And my height. I had to lie about a lot of things. I hated the taste of beer and I didn't know the words to Waltzing Matilda, but I was buggered if I was going to let that stand in the way of dying for my country. Or someone else's country. War isn't supposed to make sense. They say the first casualty of war is truth. In my case the first casualty of war was a Louis Vuitton trunk containing my best dinner suit, three ounces of Turkish opium, and a particularly fine collection of Persian erotica. Sunk without trace after a luggage tender capsized at Alexandria. A tragedy. I was on my way to Paris to cover the war as a freelance correspondent and I had no idea of the horrors I was to face. Without a decent dinner jacket. You people have no idea. Gallipoli. It was hell. When I say I fought at Gallipoli, I really mean I saw action at Gallipoli. Well, I mean I saw some photos of the plac...

Guest columnist Elton McGrievance Cohen II Good afternoon class. I am Elton McGreivance Cohen II, Emeritus Professor of  Divergent Cohesive Reasoning & Coffee at The Sorbonne (2025 -2025). If the name sounds familiar, you may have encountered my annoyingly famous father Elton McGrievance Cohen, author of the runaway best-seller "What the Fuck is Going On Here" an incisive and widely misunderstood satire of geo--political economics in the wake of the first Trump Presidency, you know, the one where he was content just to bask in the glory of being declared a stable genius. Oh happy days.   This time round some damn fool has taught him how to pronounce macro-economics without spitting out the spare adderil he keeps in that pouch in his cheeeks and he's off to everywhere all at once to fix everything before next Tuesday... "Hey Fritz, nice little economy you've got here, be a shame if anything happened to it, a damn shame" But back to me.    As most of you p...

 It's Day 1463 of the Tour de France. Your Facebook feed is full of promos for Lifestyle Community real estate opportunities and funeral plans. And it's your birthday tomorrow. Your spouse got Putin & Rasputin the Borsoi Hounds and the fake Brett Whiteleys in the divorce settlement before buggering off to Noosa to spend some quality time with her Pilates instructor Pieter the former Olympic gymnast and professional Scandinavian. And it's your birthday tomorrow. You wouldn't mind so much if they hadn't fucked off with the last of the cocaine and your best three bottles of Grange Hermitage. And your favourite corkscrew. And it's your birthday tomorrow. You've spent the night watching Inspector Morse and repeats of Parliament Question Time. Bob Katter has just asked his usual colourfully incoherent question, rabbiting on about the contribution of Christianity to Modern Society. Something to do with having got rid of human sacrifice, Snake River Gods, and Sa...