Etiquette ? No thanks, I've just put one out

GUEST EDITOR LORD BADEN-BADEN POWELL

Our guest editor tap-dances deftly through the minefield that is modern etiquette.

GOVT HEALTH WARNING: Contains the phrase "fuck off and die"


BAD HAIR DAY

"How's your hair been?" This is what my hairdresser actually said to me. It is true. I am a bitcoin-billionaire comedy blogger, I would not lie to you about a thing like that. I sighed deeply and then told her everything. It was such a relief to let it all out, to have someone to talk to ...

Well Skyelah, I said, it's been pure hell. Some days it's just moody, other days it barely even talks to me. It simply will not do what I want it to do. My life is a painful parade of bad hair days. Who knew you could end up with hair with issues. I don't want to be a panic-slut but I think my hair is on drugs. I mean I know it's drinking, coming in at all hours looking like a cheap Rod Stewart, refusing to tell me where it's been and the language it uses! God only knows where it's been & what it's been up to, but it reeks of Old Spice and Brylcreem, and one morning I caught it with a cheap synthetic wig it was trying to sneak out of the house before I woke up. I know it thinks it got away with it, but I saw what I saw, you know what I'm saying. We've been close to punching on more than once. I don't think my hair has ever really forgiven me for that asymmetric cut with the silly long fringe back in the 80's when I was trying to look like Phil Oakley from Human League. Why can't it just let it go.

There was a long silence. I got scared. Skyelah doesn't do silence. We went back to talking about her boyfriend Hunter. He's in a band. He's a lot like David Bowie. Not that he's dead. He just wears a lot of make-up.


FUCK OFF AND DIE

Under the Westminster parliamentary system, when a prime minister is told by his own party ( by virtue of a majority vote in caucus) to fuck off and die, the correct etiquette is for that prime minister to fuck off and die. I checked this in Emily Post, and it's right there on page 178. You can check it yourselves. Former prime minister of Australia, Mr Tony Abbott, was formally told to fuck off and die, and he has neither fucked off nor died. An appalling breach of etiquette. Poor show that man.


"THAT'S HOW I ROLL"

 Amendment 352 to the United Nations Charter makes it legal to shoot, with either a crossbow or a .22 calibre hunting rifle, anyone who uses this expression.


ROAD RAGE

Look I think you can't go wrong with some old-skool drums & bass and some of that killer ecstasy that was around in the early '90s, you know, make you want to have sex with people you wouldn't talk to in the street ... oh sorry, that kind of road rage. The tooting and the swearing and the subtle suggestions that one is a poor driver. I try to steer clear - no pun intended. And of course as a bitcoin billionaire blogger I drive a Tessla Model S P85: moral superiority teamed with fuck-you performance. No noise, no carbon footprint. Goes from O - smug in just under three seconds. And it has three horn settings. The first makes a noise that says look I know you're tired after a long day at work but the arrow has turned green, the second is a little louder and says no really, stop texting and get moving, and the third makes it quite clear that if you do not fucking well get out of my way now I will follow you home, destroy your vehicle with a rocket-launcher, raze your home to the ground, and torment your family for generations to come. Because really the only way we can stop road rage from escalating is to treat each other with love and patience and respect. And get out of my way.


SHOULD I BE POLITE WHILE ROBBING SOMEONE TO SUPPORT MY DRUG HABIT?

Oh  absolutely, and Emily Post is quite clear on this one. If ever there were a time to remember to say please and thank you, it is in the course of an armed robbery.


HOW TO CONVERSATE WITH YOUR HAIRDRESSER HUNTER WHO IS 19 AND IS IN A BAND AND HE IS THE MAIN SONGWRITER BUT HE WENT TO A STEINER SCHOOL SO HE IS VERY CREATIVE BUT HE CANNOT SPELL FOR SHIT AND THINKS SYNTAX IS SOMETHING YOU HAVE TO PAY BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER TOO MUCH BECAUSE MOST OF THEIR STUFF IS EXPERIMENTAL ELECTRONIC BLACK METAL AND DO YOU THINK HE LOOKS LIKE BOWIE BECAUSE HIS GIRLFRIEND RECKONS HE DOES 

What you need to do here is tell him you have just been declared the world's greatest comedy blogger
by the World Government Summit in Dubai. This may distract him briefly while you blind him with mousse and make good your escape.


Okay. That's your lot. You can fuck off now. Please. Thank you.