CRICKET TEST



 F.Castro (Fast bowler) & Malcolm X (Opening Bat)





IF YOU WISH TO REMAIN IN THE AUSTRALIAN CRICKET TEAM, PLEASE ANSWER THE FOLLOWING  SIMPLE QUESTIONS:

1. The game you are paid an obscene amount of money to play is ...
 
  (a) So much better than working for a living
  (b) Hitting the roundy leather thing with the flat wooden stick type thing
  (c) Cricket

We know this seems like a real simple one, but humour us here. By the way, if you haven't ticked (c) Cricket, please go back and tick (c) Cricket. This is the correct answer. Let's please for everyone's sake at least pretend to be on the same page. Okay ...

2. Cricket is .... ?

    (a) warfare without the guns
    (b) a chance for a couple of dozen flannelled fools to ponce around shouting "Huzzah" and "Jolly good show Tarquin" for no apparent reason over several days.
    (c) as good a way as any to fill in time between tea-breaks

3. The leg wicket is ...

    (a) the left one
    (b) no, the right one
    (c) bugger I knew this when we first started

4.  Using either the Fibonacci sequence or St Anselm's ontological proof of God's existence as a philosophical platform from which to launch your discussion, write a 5000 word essay justifying your place in the Australian squad.

5.  Match fixing is ...

     (a) I have no idea what you're talking about
     (b) I have no idea what you're talking about
     (c) I have no idea what you're talking about

6.  Are you prepared to give 110% ?

     (a) Yes
     (b) Shit yes
     (c) Don't even for a single second think about pointing out that giving 110% is a logical impossibility. We bloody know that you little smart-arse. It's a figure of speech. It's about commitment and I'd have thought that after your execrable display last Saturday you might just take a good long hard look at yourself, oh I don't know why I bother I'll have you on that plane so bloody fast  ...

7.  Can any of you actually play cricket ?

8.  Yes I'm sorry, that was uncalled for. Well perhaps not uncalled for, but certainly unhelpful. You'll have to excuse me but I'm under a lot of pressure here. Yes I know that strictly speaking this isn't actually a question but you have to see things from my point of view. If you prick me, do I not bleed ?  If you lot keep losing by an inning and 170 runs how the hell am I supposed to explain this to the ACB. Help me out here you bastards ..

9.  All right. This is your last chance you simpering little fools. Can you at least beat New Zealand ?

    (a)  I dunno. I suppose.
    (b)  Does New Zealand play cricket ?
    (c)   We'll have to check with Warner Bros & Sir Peter Jackson

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Secret Diary of Gina Rinehart aged 58+3/4

Image
Dear Diary, Exhausted. Just plum tuckered out. People out there don't realise how tiring it is counting money. Especially when you've got as much as I do. And sometimes by the end of the day I've got quite a lot more than when I started, and then I have to count it all over again ! It's really hard ! And then yesterday I was up to 14 billion, 476 million and I got interrupted by a serf and I lost count. Pshaw ! Well of course I had him beheaded. You have to really. Otherwise they don't respect you. And I'm still gasping with shock over finding out about the minimum wage. Gosh gee whizz it's just awful. $606 is far far too much. And then imagine my further shock when I found out you have to pay them this every week !!!!! I thought it was just a one-off payment. We're doomed, I'm telling you this for nothing dear diary. If this sort of wanton behaviour carries on we'll end up with a world ruled by communists, cross-dressers, and giant heroi...
Read more

HOW TO GIVE UP SMOKING PART FIVE

Image
You've woken up feeling rested and refreshed. You have picked a great day to give up smoking. Congratulations. This is going rto be a piece of piss. Your lungs are already applauding. You make coffee and open up a copy of your new favourite magazine Bread & Circuses. There is a picture of Donald Trump entering the Republican Convention with God on one side of him and the asst treasurer of the American Nazi Party on the other. God is not pictured but obviously he's there. To look after Mr Trump. This is not good. Maybe you've picked a bad day to give up smoking. You turn on ABC Breakfast Television where they are promising to cut to their new American correspondent. It is Elmo from Sesame Street. ?You have picked a truly terrible day to give up smoking, but you're off to meet up with a bunch of friends for coffee and you've stupidly commited to giving up smoking today. You put on three pairs of sunglasses so you can do Lloyd Bridges in Flying High going "loo...
Read more

I AM ENIGMATIC & DIAPHANOUS

Image
  GOD AND UNNAMED ASSISTANT FIGURE  OUT WHERE IN YOUR FAVOURITE PARK TO PUT THE DOG SHIT Hello, God here. Yes. Again. You all know I like to keep these personal appearances to a minimum, but people keep calling. And yes I am omniscient so I should know better but the thing is I have no spam filter and when five fifteen yr old girls on the beach start screaming omigod omigod into their iPhones I immediately think they're having some sort of deep spiritual crisis which demands my presence or at least some sort of a sign and then I find that no, it's merely that One Direction are in town and have added a second concert or that Justin Bieber has discovered a third pubic hair and named it Ulysses. None of which has anything to do with me. You can trust me on that one. I'm not one to point the finger but that stuff is pretty much the work of the Horned One.  I am far too busy being enigmatic and diaphanous. Except on Tuesday afternoons when I make a special effort to b...
Read more