ARE YOU NOW, OR HAVE YOU EVER BEEN, A FOREIGNER

 

In a brief but terrifying speech last month Opposition Leader and Shadow Minister for Blunt Force Trauma, Peter John Edward Normal Name Dutton, said it was all the fault of foreigners and if we wanted to get more houses for real proper Australians we should put a stop to foreigners altogether before they come over here and buy up all our invisible houses and rent them out to their university student families with names like Tran and deWahlui and Ma Zedong. 

You know I'm right, said Dutton, I've been right before and I'll be right again. It's all their fault, those darned foreigners. Why can't they just stay home and send their money without annoying us with their actual physical presence. I'm a busy man, spluttered Herr Von Dutton, and so are all the blokes in my shadow cabinet, even the girls. We've got nuclear power stations to build and sadly dated monetary policies to pursue. I simply don't have time to deal with people who have names that are impossible to spell and who want to live in houses.

Visibly shaken by the plight of real normal Australians, the Opposition Leader wiped his brow with an Australian Flag he'd been forced to buy at Aldi for godsake. Bloody Woolworths. See what foreigners have made me do now, he whimpered, I can't even construct a proper sentence.

I've got quite enough on my hands dealing with Jigaboos and crack-dealing Kiwis, this country does not need fresh problems. Not until we've finished covering up our inability to deal with the old ones.

Vote for me and I can guarantee you we will bring back that fighting Aussie spirit that enabled us to win Gallipoli, Vietnam, and the test match against New Zealand we won fair and square using the legitimate rules of cricket. Stop whinging for Godsake.