LATE-BRAKING NEWS





Justin Timberlake yesterday pleaded guilty to three separate charges of being Justin Timberlake and one secondary charge of attempting a crap joke when he refused to take a roadside sobriety test because the officer had not allowed him sufficient rehearsal time. Mr Timberlake was sentenced to six months of not being Justin Timberlake, and ordered to do 28 days of community service which will consist of lecturing Justin Bieber about the dangers of being too pretty.

In other news from the People's Republic of America, Donald Trump has been found guilty on 457 charges of being Donald Trump both on a State and Federal level. Mr Trump's team of eight hundred and four lawyers have told reporters he will be appealing. There is so far no evidence of this & a totally legitimate world-wide survey taken over the weekend has revealed that approximately three billion people would really like Mr Trump to fuck off and die. And then fuck off some more. No further. Further. We can still see your hair.
 
& in Trump-elated news, a disturbed middle-aged man (no, not me) was charged with failing to shoot Donald Trump on a Florida golf course. The man sobbed & mumbled apologies to a hostile crowd outside a Miami courthouse, saying "I had one job" and "I brought sandwiches and everything" The man will be sentenced immediately before facing a number of confusing firearms charges.

Closer to home, Australian Prime Minister and ridiculously reasonable chap, Anthony Albanese has stunned political pundits by offering solutions to the housing problem. I thought we'd build some more houses, said the PM, you know, so people without houses will have somewhere to live. The Opposition and the Greens have reacted angrily, saying it was typical of that slack bastard to go trying to solve a problem which if we play it right will keep us bogged down in the Senate till at least the end of the sitting. 

And in news even closer to home, this blog post has been completed by acting editor Niina Heiskanen Browett, who has taken over editorial duties after CEO Jeff Browett was hospitalised suffering from Mid-life Crisis Portugese Influenza. He became ill after spending the weekend caring for sick relatives, and was found in High St Preston outside a Compounding Pharmacy demanding to be prescribed "the good stuff" saying he needed it to finish the novel. Mr Browett is resting quietly in a non-critical condition.

 

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