YOUR CALL IS IMPORTANT TO US

Thank you for calling Alias Poor Yorick, proud purveyor of ethically-sourced single-origin comedy. Please hold the line. Your call is important to us, as you can tell by the care and compassion that has gone into selecting our hold music. Today you have the very great privilege of listening to the Ukraine Women's Theremin Ensemble covering Billy Ray Cyrus' "Achy Breaky Heart". No don't thank us, we can feel the love from here. Again, your call is important to us. If you wish to speak to someone who will assure you that absolutely everything is fine, despite enormous amounts of evidence to the contrary, please press 1

If you wish to make inquiries about how many comedy writers it takes to change a light-bulb, press 2 ( it's three actually, one to change the light-bulb, one to drive to the bottle-shop for more beer, and one to kill anybody who says "This is supposed to be funny, right ?") Thank you for calling. Your call is important to us. Don't you just love the Theremin ?

For confirmation that Christopher Pyne really did say after a late-night sitting of the House "Unhand me sir, I am nobody's fuck-poodle" please press 3.

If you wish to hear a military-sounding man assure you you are correct in concluding that Malcolm Turnbull is a useless twat who wears the fur of endangered species on his privately-educated and overpriced genitals, press 4.

Please be patient. Your call is important to us, and we have assigned a number of people to investigate why it is taking so long to actually connect you with the person or persons you wish to speak to. Or should that be to whom you wish to speak. Or perhaps "to whom you wish to speak to" if you happen to be Paul McCartney. I'm sorry, we digress. Again, we ask for your patience. Your call has been placed in a queue and we would ask you to ensure that your call waits in this queue in a quiet and orderly manner. We had some calls in here the other day, you wouldn't believe how they carried on, completely out of control. Like children, or people on drugs. Rabid children on drugs that's what they were. It was a nightmare I tell you, I had to throw five of them out and whatever  happened to the good old days when you could slap them or at least take a couple out with tranquilizer darts. I'm sorry, I think it's the American presidential race, it's really getting me down.

If you wish to speak directly to our CEO Jeff Browett please be advised that he is in a private casino on Macau playing bitcoin baccarat with Jamie Packer and he's currently about eight hundred thousand down so he's not in the best of moods but if you still feel your call is important enough, hey. go ahead press 5.

If your call is not a genuine inquiry, but in fact a desperate cry for help occasioned by a sudden and sharp realisation that you are living in a cruel and uncaring world then by all means press 6 and speak to Terry. Thing is he's been drinking heavily since his wife left last Christmas and on top of that he's been reading Camus and just generally getting all nihilistic on us. He may try to talk you into a suicide pact. Just trying to help. Have a nice day.

Please hold the line. Your call is important to us. And no that's not your imagination, that is the Ukraine Women's Theremin Ensemble playing Dr Hook's "Sylvia's Mother". We know. Words fail.

Thank you for holding. If you would like a brief but satisfying explanation of the circumstances which lead to the Head of our PR department  declaring "So I had to bitch-slap my yoga teacher" press 7. If you wish to hear a recording of ex-PM Malcolm Turnbull as he bursts into uncontrolled laughter while explaining that negative gearing benefits millions of ordinary Australians, press 8.

Thank you for calling Alias Poor Yorick. Your call is important to us. So important that at some stage we are prepared to consider allowing you to speak to a real person. Please be patient. You wouldn't want to blow it now, would you, not when you're so close.

If you are a disgruntled subscriber calling to complain that we have not delivered on our promise that reading Alias Poor Yorick will ensure world peace, guarantee you more sex, and ensure that Channel 7 will play its late night comedy gems at the advertised time, press 9. Before you do that, you need to know that you will be speaking to Tarquin, a snippy bastard with a degree in philosophy and a black belt in Feng Shui who will tidy the shit out of you and remind you that you should have read the small print which states that since this is an election year these cannot be considered to be 'core' promises and only a moron would take them seriously in any case. Which we mean in a loving way.

Thank you for holding. Your call is important to us. For a full and frank confession that there is no-one in this building but a delusional comedy writer in his very late forties pretending to run a vast media empire employing thousands while he scratches around for jokes or at least proper punctuation, please press 10. Or you could just open a window and shout at me to stop.