HOW TO GIVE UP SMOKING PART FIVE

You've woken up feeling rested and refreshed. You have picked a great day to give up smoking. Congratulations. This is going rto be a piece of piss. Your lungs are already applauding.

You make coffee and open up a copy of your new favourite magazine Bread & Circuses. There is a picture of Donald Trump entering the Republican Convention with God on one side of him and the asst treasurer of the American Nazi Party on the other. God is not pictured but obviously he's there. To look after Mr Trump. This is not good. Maybe you've picked a bad day to give up smoking.

You turn on ABC Breakfast Television where they are promising to cut to their new American correspondent. It is Elmo from Sesame Street. ?You have picked a truly terrible day to give up smoking, but you're off to meet up with a bunch of friends for coffee and you've stupidly commited to giving up smoking today. You put on three pairs of sunglasses so you can do Lloyd Bridges in Flying High going "looks like I picked a bad day to give up smoking". Your friends do not laugh. You have not had a cigarette all day. Except for the two you found in the  glovebox.These do not count because the Republican Party has just stolen the whole Nazi playbook without getting clearance or in any way acknowledging the creative contribution of Joseph Goebbels.  Outrageous. You have picked a truly fucking shit day to give up smoking.

You have to go to local Council to get documentation to prove to Centrelink that you are not rich and you picked up that linen suit at a Boxing Day sale at Myers. There will be a fifteen minute wait while the documents re being prepared. No worries. You have not had a cigarette all day. Apart from the two you found in the glovebox and the one you botted off that Irish alcoholic outside an AA meeting. What are the chances eh ? Finding an Irish alcoholic who still smokes outside an AA meeting. So that doesn't count either. But.

It's cold and raining and you live in a city where people are still surprised that it gets cold and rains in the middle of winter. Fuck it. This is not a day to give up smoking. You go into a shop that sells cigarettes. They do not have any cigarettes. They do have these things that seem to be cigarettes so you buy a pack.

You light one and your body goes what the fuck dude. This is good. You pass out and wake up in the gutter. This is bad. But on the bright side you may just have given up smoking. Really.

Everything in this story is true. Some of the facts have been photoshopped to make them more attractive, and some facts have been removed to leave room for the jokes. Shut up Doug.