How to Knock Up an Alibi in ten minutes or less ( special NSW Liberal Party Edition)

 Repeat after me. Deep-fake. It was a frame-up. I wasn't there, I didn't do it, you can't prove a thing. It wasn't real cocaine and when I find the bastard who sold it to me for $500 there'll be questions. I'm sorry, where was I ? Ah yes. 

Now before you get into the gory business of implausible deniability you'll need a costume change. Pictured above is one of my personal favourites: Chinese opium smoking jacket, purple Pumas, and babyshit brown Tommy Hilfiger boxer briefs (not shown) If you're the recently-deposed leader of a political party you may wish to accessorise with something like a paper bag containing with $200K in cash. Or a Maserati Quattroporte parked outside your humble ground floor electoral office. The purpose of all this flim flam is, of course, to dismay and confuse your persecutors. Remember, you are totally fucking innocent & appearing to be mildly deranged as well will do no harm whatsoever.

Repeat after me: this is a deep-fake, I have been targeted by enemies of democracy, I am innocent of all charges, and besides, I would never snort cocaine from a K-Mart dessert plate. I am not a savage.

And finally, to demonstrate your complete and total innocence you should retire immediately from public life & announce you will be spending more time with your family. If you don't have a family, just stay home and watch Peppa Pig and Bluey. If you do have a family you may wish to post a photo of yourself on social media so they recognise you as you come up the driveway.