NORTH KOREA NEEDS A HUG

Hello, Good Morning, and fear me please. Stand back in awe and wonder and shiver slightly at my sheer fabulousness. I am Kim Jong-un  and I am the God Scorpion chosen to guard the jewel that is North Korea and protect it from the decadence that is the West. And the rest. You are all a serious fucking worry. I should at this stage point out to you that my remarks here this morning are being translated by my good personal friend, and recently adopted brother, Kim Jeff-oh shit yeah. He is a fabulously talented and gorgeous human, possibly the funniest man who has ever lived, and you should be paying him vast amounts of money to do whatever he wants.

(* having re-checked the transcripts, it's possible that what Kim Jong-un  actually said in that last sentence was "I am a terrifyingly powerful man and if you do not arrange for Delta Goodrem to sleep with me I will destroy Seoul" You'll have to excuse me, my Korean is a little rusty. But I'm sure he wants you to give me money. And praise. Anyway. Back to the diplomatic incidents)

Again I must warn the weak and decadent citizens of the world that we the people of the glorious and really tough state of North Korea are not to be trifled with. You must listen to me. You must take me very seriously. I insist. And remember that you are dealing with a man so revered and respected that even his dandruff, not that I have any, is valued more highly than alluvial gold, and whose farts are used as base notes in many famous perfumes. My penis causes gasps of astonishment throughout the known universe. I am not God, but God listens to me. We are not frightened of you people in the West. We have watched your military training films, and Captain Hawkeye Pearce and his friend BJ do not frighten us at all. Here are our demands:

We want some of your sophisticated Western food. Of course we have plenty of food of our own, grass and dirt and twigs in abundance, and on Fridays we even have extra twigs, we just want chocolate fish from New Zealand. Please send a thousand boxes. I also want Delta Goodrem to accept my friend request on Facebook. We demand ten copies each of boxed sets of "The Sopranos", "West Wing" and "The Graham Norton Show".  Next we want flying cars and jetpacks. And some leather jackets like the Fonz wears in Happy Days. Don't forget about Delta Goodrem's phone number. And finally, if you do not stop calling me crazy I will nuke you all. Peace and love.

{Originally published April 2013