MELBOURNE WEATHER FORECAST

TOMORROW

Humid. Cloudy. Windy. Hot. Sunny. Wet. Triangular. High chance of showers and storms with possibility of thunder and lightning very very frightening in the early morning and the late morning and also during the early and late parts of the afternoon, with strong possibility of very similar weather patterns in the middle of the afternoon and that weird part of the morning when it's too late for morning tea and a wee bit early for lunch. Winds will tend South, East, SS East and North-Easterly with an insignificant statistical probability of getting anywhere near a Westerly direction but you can never be sure about these things. 

There is a 50% chance of rain at various time of the day, sunny periods during the times of the day when there's less cloud, and a 60% chance of baffling statistics after lunch. A nap wouldn't be a bad idea. Do not swim while you are sleeping. Always wear clean underwear and carry a spare handkerchief. And a jumper. I don't like the way this barometer's falling.

The light winds tending NE/NNE in the late morning will increase to 25/30 kph at lunchtime and develop a distinctly whining self-pitying quality in the early afternoon. There will be a 15% chance of Kale in Northcote, Preston, and Brunswick East with a slightly heavier-than-normal concentration of existential angst in Elwood, St Kilda, and Windsor. Brighton and that posh street in Mordialloc will experience smugness mid to late afternoon, followed by disquieting rumours of income tax audits.

NB: The unicorns forecast for Tuesday was a misprint. This should have read "Fog". We are not perfect. Enjoy your day. Use sunblock and a thesaurus.