A CIGAR FOR BREAKFAST

 It was a day like any other day. Except it was dark, so it might have been night. I'd got up early to check out the Nikkei with a view to starting a bear run on Tesla stock because fuck Elon Musk Nothing personal, he just  really gives me the shits. I met him once, at Davos. Beat him at 3 dimensional chess and he still hasn't paid up, I mean it was only fifty grand and it was his idea to make it Krugerand. The OG of currencies. He accused me of cheating by knowing the rules, called me a poofter Star Trek tragic and stormed off. At least I can spell my childrens' names, I retorted wittily. Hey. I know. Let's see who can make the most anagrams of your name in one minute. Double or nothing. Or are you afraid of a challenge, Mr Lone Skum. Or should that be Noel Smuk. What about Mone Sulk ? Eh ? Eh ? But he was gone. Stormed off in a petulant frenzy. Which I still think is a stupid name for a car. 

                                                                         I'm so sorry. I apologise for that joke. It just snuck up on me. Sometimes an undeniable idea presents itself. Like having a cigar for breakfast. Especially when you've had the sort of messy day I'd had. 

I was just about to launch my attack on Tesla stock prices when I got word that my idiot stepson Paulo had disturbed my carefully curated bitcoin empire in Woollongong. He's only gone and bought two Lamborghinis at once. I told him, never buy more than one Lamborghini at a time. You cannot drive two Lamborghinis at the same time. You just can't. Please do not ask me how I know this. I still don't know how I got stuck with him in the divorce settlement. Isabella got the chateau in Burgundy &I got custody of her son from a previous marriage. Never marry a South American woman, they have killer lawyers. Literally. Yes, that is a gun in their pocket. And no, they're not pleased to see you. But I digress. This'll happen when you've haven't slept since 1963.

And look. Can I be honest with you. The unthinkable has happened. No, not Larry Emdur winning a Gold Logie (although that's up there), no this is real. It's tragedy. I've run out of coffee. So we'll just have to knock this little piece of deathless prose on the head, and go out for coffee before the withdrawl symptoms set in. Don't ask. You don't want to know.

So anyway. Breakfast. Excellent idea. Most of you will be familiar with the famous Hunter S Thompson breakfast. By all means give it a shot, but the problem with having cocaine at breakfast is that it sets you up for a day of having cocaine for morning tea. And lunch. And afternoon tea. And let's not forget High Tea (Earl Grey with your cocaine, sir/madam/still haven't decided yet ?) & etc etc. And as for drinking beer at breakfast, well it's just not right. You have beer before breakfast. Everyone knows that. No, the only thing to drink with Breakfast is Dom Perignon, purchased on a max'd out credit card & drunk out of teacups because your local breakfast haunt doesn't have a liquor license. Again, please do not ask me how I know this.

These days I prefer a much lighter breakfast . a calm sophisticated brushstroke of coffee, cigarettes, heart medication, coffee, kiwifruit, ADHD medication, coffee, sultana bran, baked eggs, more kiwifruit, and of course coffee. The sort of meal that demands a cigar afterwards.

Or if you've had the kind of morning I'd had, fuck it, just go straight for the cigar. 

Editors Note: