ALIAS POOR YORICK

LIBERAL FUNDRAISING EVENT AT MALCOLM'S HOUSE What a week it's been on the campaign trail. There's been heat. There's been passion. There's been bitter and violent argument over exactly what percentile fraction house prices will grow more slowly under Labor's proposed negative gearing and capital gains tax changes. Many have stayed awake during this. Not moi unfortunately.  It's all a bit hazy. There's been a lot of talk about sex. Some of it involving animals. And people keep forgetting about houses they own. * Malcolm Turnbull was kissed by a dog called Brando & then Bill Shorten went out jogging and made friends with a Great Dane because apparently whoever gets slobbered on by the biggest dog gets to be Prime Minister. It's a new rule. * National Party MP George Christensen said he would rather shove two Tasmanian devils on heat down his pants than do a deal with the Greens. Which leads us to wonder how he knows this for sure. PM Ma

                                                                                    DUTTON BEGS PM TO GIVE BACK HIS LIPS This was the week the government panicked over the lack of re-election traction afforded by policies like Vote for Malcolm, you can't go wrong with a man who owns 24 pairs of ocelot-fur underpants, and Vote for Us, you'll all make lots of money and your penis will grow bigger, & decided to pass the ball to Immigration Minister Peter Dutton so he could try out Vote for Us, we hate foreigners who want to come and live here and we know that you do to. Dutton told a grateful nation that the trouble with refugees is that they want to come here. No wait, there's more. They want to come here and they are all illiterate (many of them in more than one language) and innumerate and half of them couldn't even count which left them perfectly poised to steal jobs from illiterate and innumerate Australians. He did not go into detail as to how exactly t

                                                                                  In which Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull(Above Left) defended the banks and real estate agents and Opposition Leader Bill Shorten(Above Right) told bemused punters that anyone who tells you that money doesn't matter in education is selling you a pig and a pope. At least according to Sky News. Because proof-reading is for sissies. And sub-editing is for the weak and unadventurous. Besides, the punters were there for the free beer & barbecue-shapes and by eight o'clock you could have told them the banks are not a criminally rapacious oligarchy and got away with it. Oh wait. Malcolm tried. He didn't. So how did it play out, this great debate, this first bloody gladiatorial clash of the 2016 Election Campaign ? Well. It was held in a bar. Just saying. One of the highlights was the debate being interrupted by the PA announcement: "67. Your chicken Parma is ready. Number 67. Chick

                                                                                    GREENS & LIBERALS FORM UNEASY ALLIANCE ON CLIMATE CHANGE * If this is Wednesday I must be in a pub in Northern Queensland having a beer with Barnaby Joyce and a group of hand-picked authentic working class types pissed enough to believe that the coalition has their best interests at heart. More beer may be required. * If this is Thursday and I have a disturbing feeling it is, I must be in another pub in northern Queensland with Barnaby Joyce who is our Deputy Minister except on Wednesdays and Thursdays when he is an International Freelance Beer Inspector. Yes no this one's all right, he told the barman, and I'll be ready to check the next one in just a second. I can only stay for another six or seven, I have to go and kill some more carp. Cunning bastards the carp they wait till your back's turn then breed like crazy                   * Meanwhile in Melbourne PM Turnbu

                                                                                  * Yes it's me, your editor-in-chief, taking over the reins to get this job done. A thousand apologies for that cock-up of a column from our intern. I guess it's true what they say - if you pay peanuts, you get people who eat the peanuts & then succumb to their nut allergies instead of working. So I'm taking over personally and I'll have you know I've dragged myself away from a killer winning streak at bitcoin blackjack just to be here. On with the blunt instrument trauma satire....                                                    *  PM Turnbull breakfasted on truffles and Chateau Zut Alors before jetting off to Queensland after hearing there were people up there who did not like him and would not be voting for him. Oh dear, he said to an adviser, perhaps if  I asked them nicely ? His advisers agreed this was a brilliant strategy. * Opposition Leader Bill Shorten ch

Welcome back again to the 2016 Election Campaign  Or should that be welcome and goodnight. Shock waves here in Canberra tonight after PM Malcolm Turnbull visited the Governor General to officially request a double dissolution of Parliament leading to an election on July 2, only to be soundly rebuffed. "Fuck off" he was told by Governor General Peter Cosgrove. "Fuck off. That's a really fucking stupid idea and I won't fucking go along with it. It's probably un-fucking-Australian  and I'll be fucked if I'll fucking well be part of it. Now fuck off and when you've done that fuck off some more you overprivileged buffoon. And take your fucking four hundred dollar haircut and your mink underpants with you". Which is hardly the way you'd expect a representative of the Queen to talk, unless of course you're representing a Queen who is 90 years old and it's Mothers Day and none of her bloody children have bothered to ring her. I mean

Welcome back to the 2016 Election Countdown * So today we hit the campaign trail. And it hit back with tears and biscuits. What?  Yes. It's always tears and biscuits, said the slightly moist Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull after addressing a group of Girl Guides in Bankstown about the financial benefits of slavery, especially for the unemployable. They just looked at me blankly, complained a perplexed and clearly emotionally exhausted Prime Minister. I suggested this may be because he was talking complete bollocks and he called me a pixie-farting snapdragon before bursting into great heaving sobs and dashing off in a gold carriage drawn by eight white horses. * Treasurer Scott Morrison claimed that he was not yet a complete bastard, but hoped to become a complete bastard before Parliament first sits after the election. He went on to explain that the Budget needed to be thought of as a cricket test match rather than one of those one day things and that we could all better u

Welcome to the 2016  Election Countdown. We live in exciting times. Perhaps as an antidote PM Malcolm Turnbull has launched us into a long and lumbering election campaign which will see us suffering political promising and posturing until July 2. I feel tired already. But we are made of stern stuff here at Alias Poor Yorick and we'll be with you everyday all the way to take the piss as the occasion arises. And if the occasion doesn't arise I can assure you we will poke it with a stick until it does. Every single day. We promise: If Sophie Mirabella threatens to kill and roast your children if she fails to get preselection, we'll be there. If Christopher Pyne puts on a Lone Ranger outfit and jumps up and down yelling "We're winning, we're winning. Hi Yo silver and away" before leaping onto Malcolm Turnbull's back and galloping away,we'll be there. If Bill Shorten makes a speech outlining the essential policy differences between Labour &am