HOW TO BE AN ATHEIST ON FACEBOOK

 BY SPECIAL GUEST EDITOR GARY JAASON GERBILS

I'm sure you recognise me from my best selling book "Soon AI Will Be Able  To Write Comedy ?Here, Hold My Beer", but of course I'm more famous for having set up Australasia's first proper advertising agency MAAAATE shortly after the war. I was also the genius who suggested changing the name of the game from Propaganda to Advertising. It was 1948 and Propaganda still had a bit of a wee pong about it. Besides, I said, call it Advertising and we'll right at the top of the first page of the Yellow Pages (at least until those smartarse arty pricks Mune and Donaldson come along with Aardvark Films. C---s). And "Hold my beer" That was mine. It was 1949. Me and a mate were having a quiet beer down then waterfront at the Seagulls Revenge, and this big bastard, Marxist, pissed as a parrot starts mouthing off about advertising being the worst kind of parasitic capitalistic evil and if anyone can explain to him the need for it in a country that's just climbed out of a depression only by catering to needs of the industrial-military complex brains behind the second world bloody war then he'll buy them a double-scotch. So I said to me mate, here hold my beer, I may need to use a little interpretive dance for this. Anyway. I digress.

 You'll all  remember my first wildly successful campaign for Coco Cola ...

Coca Cola. It Looks Like Shit But it's Got Drugs In It. 

Genius, they called it and they were right. It's not an exaggeration to say that I changed the face of advertising in this part of the planet. And I say that in all modesty. If its one thing I'm proud of it's my innate and enduring humility.

And my ability to snort enormous amounts of cocaine for breakfast without it affecting my judgement.

So what was it you were wanting me to guru about for this absurdly large fee ? Ah. Selling atheism on Facebook. Well you look like smart people - this should be a piece of piss, I mean your target demographic is ninnies and cretins and people who are neuro-divergent-curious so this shouldn't be a major challenge.

Now I've had a look at what you've got so far and look it's okay but I'd lose this for a start - The Catholic Church are a bunch of bastards so God doesn't exist. I mean I guess both things are true but the connexion a little loose, logic-wise.

Okay. Next. God - an imaginary friend for grown-ups. Gold. It's bullshit but it's 24 carat bullshit. Keep it in. I mean on a personal level I don't have a problem with an imaginary friend for grown ups but bottom line at the end of the day you get some serious takeaway which is that God is imaginary. Double helix logic hook ; sounds like it makes a logical point, and therefore ipso fact. The best kind of fact. Advertising 101. And did I mention I have an autographed copy of Sun Tzu's Art of War ? Back in the day you could just wave that round in a client meeting and get the account. I love that book. Once on Owlsley Acid I licked the cover for over eight hours and came up with that segue ad for New Coke. "Coke. It's Perfect. So we changed it". Brilliant, eh ? Fuck you Don Draper. Magic. Anyway, back to kissing the bloody lips of the mad muse

...I see you were going to throw this one out  "God is stupid. If you believe in God you're stupid too, you stupid thing" But I like it. It's stupid good. Stupid funny. Have fun with it ... okay look team I'm on a bit of tight schedule, can I offer you anything before you go - coffee, ketamine, chakra massage oil ? You good ? Okay. Fantastic to do business with you. Love your work. No seriously, you people are on a mission from God so to speak and I admire your fervour in the face of the sheer pointlessness of your cause. If you could  just whack the fee straight into my crypto account @bighatnocattle24 I'll get back to cooking breakfast for the kids.... let's see what's on the menu .. Rupert .. Arpeggio ...E-MC2 .. is this right ? Sauteed Unicorn Lips? .. for breakfast ??