ALIAS POOR YORICK

JE SUIS UN GURU What makes me a guru ? Is it the shiny blue jacket, or the hair with its own gym membership ?  Yes. That's all you need people. I got 'em. And I got the wisdom. Of course this is not, in and of itself, enough to make one a guru. You have to believe. I first realised I had what it takes when my father took me out into backyard one night and pointed at the night sky. "Son", he said to me "If Gabriel had learnt the violin, the walls of Jericho would still be standing". I remember thinking what a load of complete bullshit that was, but it sounded good.  I thought "I could do this. I could talk crap just like that". I was on my way. Dad patted me on the shoulder and said "Always remember son, never take a spoon to a knife-fight". Brilliant. And at the same time total bollocks. Bring it on.  I was only eleven year old, but I found a couple of friends and told them : If at first you don't succeed, blame it on a poorly-...

  If you've been paying attention, yes, this is a repost. But I can claim it as new because I fixed a spelling mistake. And added this photo. Which I've only used once before. Besides it's creeping up on Christmas and the sentiments here are timeless, universal, and largely based on greed. Perfect. This year, why not give the gift that puzzles: ALIAS POOR YORICK here at http://www.funnycomedyjokes.blogspot.com/ Yes, it's ALIAS POOR YORICK the comedy blog that's so good, from next year we're calling it a comedy blogue. ALIAS POOR YORICK is guaranteed to cure dyspepsia, dyslexia, and dystopia. It will make you taller, better-looking, and 23% more capable of understanding French, Italian and in fact most of the romance languages.ALIAS POOR YORICK is guaranteed to save marriages, businesses, and some small countries from ruin. It will make most small cars run better, and make large cars feel less guilty about their carbon footprint. Your children will perf...

As CEO of Obscene Profits International I have to tell you we have not had the best of years. I will list in some detail the people and forces which have prevented us from achieving even more obscene profits for Obscene Profits this year. None of this is our fault. Please finish your dolphin fin soup and unicorn liver pate while I explain who's really to blame. Basically it's about the cost of doing business in Australia. I'm sure that abolishing slavery had some glitzy superficial political appeal, but really it's buggered things for the business sector. People who are just trying to make an honest living. And us as well. But let's move on. Now it's easy, in times of economic uncertainty, to blame to government of the day. So let's start there. PM Julia Gilliard is a witch. A bona fide follower of Satan. I know this to be true because my very good friends at the Barely-Disguised Fascist Bastard Institute of Correct Thinking have confirmed this for ...

Kids these days. I was talking to my young nephew who tells me he's going to try sky-diving. Been having lessons. Lessons ? What the hell for ? He tells me for a start you learn how to fold your parachute. Parachute ??  Pathetic little pansies. In my day you just leaped out of a plane and hoped for the best. Try to find a nice haystack or a pond or something. We're raising a whole bloody generation wrapped in cotton wool. It'll end badly. We need to toughen these kids up.  40kph speed zones outside schools ? Horseshit. How do we expect to raise the next generation of Olympic sprinters if we're not giving them some incentive ? In my day we had no speed limits at all. And there were snipers. Well, okay, not snipers as such, just the local hoons armed with bren guns and flagons of cream sherry, but they still potted a few of us. Which did us no bloody harm at all. Sometimes we just wagged school and got mauled by lions instead. And let me tell you, that's a real ...

 H.G.WELLS DISCUSSES THE ZOMBIE PROBLEM WITH "ALIAS POOR YORICK" STAFFERS  We live in troubling times. So much to worry about : the high value of the Australian dollar causing inflationary pressure, a general erosion of moral values, and of course the Zombie Apocalypse. We've assigned a special team here at the ALIAS POOR YORICK to work closely with our Ferret masters to bring you the best strategies to deal with a Zombie Apocalypse in your area. Probably the first thing to remember is Don't Panic. A Zombie Apocalypse is not the end of the world. Necessarily. Not always. Just stay calm and consider all your options. One of which should probably be to get guns. Buy a lot of guns. Big guns. Before taking action, ensure that you are in fact suffering from an imminent Zombie Apocalypse. You may perhaps have simply stumbled into a Young Liberals fund-raising dinner, or a workshop for the tragically overacting-afflicted community acting fraternity. F...

Is this what we can expect in our own country when rule by ferrets makes its full impact ? Well, yes. And a damn good thing too, in my humble opinion. You will note from this colourful and confusing photo that all nuclear weapons have been eliminated, and replaced with sticks. And little bell things on people's ankles. Part poetry reading, part Zumba class, what's happening here is essentially a military exercise designed to dissuade would-be invaders from entering the country by convincing them that its inhabitants are really quite mad. The red garments are known as the Aprons of War, and symbolize that should invaders get insistent about it, they'd actually be welcomed & cooked a fine meal. Possibly something involving garlic and chorizo. The poetry, chanted loudly to the beat of banged sticks, harks back to a simpler time when rabbiting and ballroom dancing were recognised Olympic events.   Before you sneer, it is worth noting that Ferreteria has never in its en...

 So my show is called 'THIS TOWEL GUIDE DETERMINES THE LENGTH OF LOOP NECESSARY FOR THE EFFICIENTS AND SAFE OPERATION OF THIS CABINET: IT MUST NOT BE REMOVED'. I did want to call it 'FRANZ KAFKA AND THE FIRE-BREATHING ROBOT CHICKENS' but Tremont and Tarquin had already snaffled that for their show about psychiatric breakdowns among hipsters who are fatally conflicted about what sort of beards they should wear. Don't laugh, a friend of mine grew his beard for a whole year, then shaved it off two weeks before bush ranger beards came in. He threw himself in front of a train. I hate to think what would have happened if it had been moving. But back to my show. So. Look obviously it's a comedy. That's what I do. It's heart and spine of my theatre practice. And maybe the kidneys and pancreas as well. And of course the lungs. I mean I just breathe comedy. I can't help it. But I just so wanted to do more exciting and substantive than just entertain. ...

Let me make it clear from the outset that I am firmly convinced that some sort of apology is in order. As are my colleagues and financial backers. Of course I could just say I'm sorry and be done with it, but I don't believe in taking the easy way out, and I feel this situation calls for a full explanation. You see where I come from we speak the plain unvarnished truth. We call a stick a stick. Unless it's a particularly long stick, in which case we call it a pole. And of course if it's fairly thick and has fencing wire attached it, we'd probably call it a post. If it's a bloody enormous stick and it's stuck in the ground and covered with leaves we may very well call it a tree. If it's round at one end and sort of flattened out in a curvy fashion at the other end that would be what we call a cricket bat.  But you know what I mean. A stick is a stick. At the end of the day. When all's said and done. And isn't it just. Now I've had a loo...

FERRET OLYMPIC REVIEW COMMITTEE I've had a quick look over the findings of the committee of enquiry into Ferret Olympic performance, and I'd have to say they've done a pretty fair job. Since Ferret Olympic policy shifted away from actual events and medal tallies, and concentrated on the real business of the Olympics, which is excuses, idiotic behaviour, and excuses for idiotic behaviour, ferrets are coming up gold!   Ferret excuses have improved massively, both in quality and quantity. Ferret swimmers complained the water was too wet, ferret runners complained that the starting guns had frightened them and they were disadvantaged by having to run a really long way on tiny little legs, and ferret archers claimed the daylight hurt their eyes and the events should have been held at night. Olympic standard whinging !! Bravo !! I thought the committee may have seen fit to draw special attention to the ferret hurdler who, after downing fifteen lagers and placing seco...

  You're all important busy people. You haven't got time to hang around all night reading long-winded porn. We've extracted the essence for you.   Billionaire teenager, Christian Grey, has seduced whatshername, you know, the virgin, by sending her hundreds of bafflingly inane emails and showing her pictures of his helicopter while whipping her with a  rolled-up copy of the Wall St Journal.  Finally she is ready. He whips off his incredibly expensive underpants, allowing his enormously wealthy penis to spring forth."Crikey", she gasps, and has several impressive orgasms.  He ties her up with albino-mink handcuffs and starts to have sex with her, plunging his enormously wealthy and sophisticated penis into her moist trembling share portfolio."Golly gosh", she exclaims breathlessly.They both have about fourteen or fifteen unbelievably incredibly intense orgasms before stopping for a cigarette. "Gee Whiz" she sighs. While they r...

Since being put in charge, the ferrets have thought long and hard about the spiritual malaise they see around them. They wanted to find a desert and wander into it in search of answers, but couldn't find one close to public transport, so took themselves off to Melton. Which is close enough. There are no mountains in Melton, so it was arranged for the "Moses'' committee to meet up with God in an old scout hall behind Aldi and hammer out a few ideas. It's probably fair to say that the ferret concept of God is closer to Fair Work Australia than your more traditional Judeo-Christian figure. There's a lot of room for negotiation. And cups of tea. And date scones. This is a draft copy of the commandments, to be ratified by the members. 1. Thou shalt not try to get out of a body corporate AGM by declaring that you have to stay home, get naked, smear yourself with whale blubber and watch the Christmas episode of Downton Abbey 2. Thou shalt never, u...

THE TRUTH ABOUT THE HIGGS-BOSON PARTICLE

 THE ROASTING PROCESS REQUIRES GREAT CONCENTRATION It was just two days after my fifteenth birthday that I decided to dedicate my life to creating the perfect cup of coffee. I had wanted to become a doctor and make a difference to child morbidity rates in the Sudan , but at that moment I went no bugger it, I want to do something important with my life. After all, I'm from Melbourne. The first thing I did of course was to spend several months praying to Saint Anselm, who conceived the ontological proof of God's existence, and, surely not coincidentally, is the patron saint of coffee. I asked for guidance. Then I met my personal guru,Tarquin Vespa,  a man who sent me off to the North Sahara desert region to meditate on a coffee bean. I want you, he said, to become the coffee bean... By the way, surely I can't have heard sir correctly, A latte ? At this time of day ? Surely not. We have a saying in Italy. Milk comes from cows, coffee comes from God...

YOU HAVE (21) NOTIFICATIONS  which your real Facebook Friends, you know, The Facebook Crew, have sorted and explained for you. We rock so you can roll. TERRY YOURFRIEND ... Liked your post, then Unliked your post, then Liked it again, then decided that neither was an acceptable response to the death of your parakeet & has gone down the pub for a cleansing ale. JEREMY YOURFRIEND .. Has accepted your friend request even though he has never heard of you and doesn't much like your profile picture or any of the stuff you like, it's just he was up to 499 friends and felt the need to go to a round number ALYSSIA YOURFRIEND ... Has bought a cat ALYSSIA YOURFRIEND .. Has posted 167 pictures of her cat Cleopatra RUPERT YOURFRIEND .. posted a link to some site you've never heard of, along with a picture which is completely incomprehensible and was probably shot on some wank setting on Instagram. The whole is clearly designed to make you feel intellectually, socially,...

The Author Contemplates the Ludicrous Charges Against Him As I stand here before this tribunal I am appalled, disgusted, and flabbergasted. But most of all, innocent. Totally, completely, absolutely innocent of these and all other charges that may or may not be brought against me. This is clearly what Kafka was talking about about when he famously said "Will you lot piss off, I'm trying to write a play". I'm so innocent I have given my lawyer, Hirohito Fengshui, the day off and will defend myself. Let me make this abundantly clear: I have never conspired to murder one or more of the Wiggles and replace them with ruthless assassin cyborgs. Furthermore, I have never been offered, even on a trial basis, the part of the Black Wiggle. I have never watched "Downton Abbey" with the sound turned down, doing all the voices in a broad New Zealand accent & adding frequent farting noises. I did not encourage Bryce Courtenay to lie about fighting in th...

 TOLSTOY TELLS CHEKHOV 'UNCLE VANYA' NEEDS MORE JOKES 

A paid political presentation from the Hipster Douchbag Alliance. ALIAS POOR YORICK does not endorse any opinions or abuses of syntax in this message Written and spoken by Merkin Dreadlock. Authorized by Ophelia Occasionally, and DJ Authentyk on behalf of the Hipster Douchebag Alliance. Dudes. Shit is all fucked up and everything . I blame the military-industrial complex. And politicians. And old people. And teachers. Like I went to school and they just tried to teach me stuff ! They oppressed me with facts.  I've been in the  entertainment industry for ten years and never needed a single fact. Screw you, you fascists. And that's another thing: there's too much hate. Like I really really hate that. I blame the man. And the cops. So things need to change, right ? And like when will things ever change. I went on this march about four years ago. March to stop hunger. There's still hunger ! What's with that. I signed an online petition against war. There...

OCCUPY CARNABY STREET

Ladies & gentleman I am innocent of all charges. I'm here this afternoon to explain to you that there is no need for denials because I did none of these things & I reject all accusations even though or perhaps precisely because, there is nothing to reject. I'm here to make that quite clear. People are out to get me and I'll tell you who, but first I blame the media. And everyone else. Yes you. You know who you are. You've stirred up a lynch mob, sharpened the knives, and fanned the flames that have lit the torches in the hands of the angry faces I see in front of me armed with knives and torches and iPads of hate. Thank you I will have a glass of water. Comedy can be a dirty game, I had no idea just how dirty until now. I have been specifically targeted by CEO s of rival blogging empires. Root Macpherson of Giggle+ and Vic Rhodes of dickfartbumjokesinc, jealous of my boyish good looks, outrageous comedy success, and high-level contacts in the punctuati...

Dear Mr Zuckerberg, Don't worry I am not a crazy person. You must get quite a bit of that in your line of work you know letters from insane people and that, but not me. No worries there. The doctors told me I'm fine now. Nor am I after money. I have plenty. You know that little "bing" noise when you turn on your computer ? That's mine. I invented that. Sold it to my good friend Bill "Badass" Gates back in the early days of Microsoft and I've been pretty comfortable ever since. Besides my needs are fairly simple - as I always say you can only drive one Lamborghini & divorce one trophy wife at a time ! Bwah hah !! I have such a wacky sense of humour. My friends comment on it all the time. No look the thing is I like to help young guys like you just starting out in the business, what are you 28, 29 ? Just a baby, but I reckon you're onto something with this Facebook thing. It has potential but I think you just need to change a few...

                                                                              SUPPORT PEACE OR WE WILL KILL YOU

       Welcome to the wisdom of ferrets. The Seven Pilchards of Wisdom. I know what you're thinking: they've stolen this from T.E. Lawrence and they've got it wrong. But my friends it is you who are wrong. And while we're at it, a gentle reminder that the ferrets are our leaders and it is their wish that you pay attention to this crap. There will be a brief test. The original Lawrence of Arabia was a ferret named Nigel "Tee Hee" Lawrence, renowned for his insouciant sense of humour, impeccable dress sense, and ability to unite the Arab desert tribes into a powerful military force during the Boer War. And this may have been where he went wrong. What with that war having been pretty much confined to the southern, in fact the most southern, parts of Africa. A bloody long ride, even for the hardy Bedouin. Thus, unfortunately, Nigel "Tee Hee" Lawrence and his Arab legions hard virtually no effect whatsoever on the outcome of the Boer War. ...

Best not ask where we got this info. Let's just say I lent Julian Assange a cup of lawyers a few months back & he's really grateful.... ... and forgive me if some of this is a bit disjointed - I had to fight Richard Wilkins for the notes and there's bits of  blood and peroxide all over them. Anyway, details so far:  So. Forget William and Kate -  this will be the wedding of the century. Angelina says it's all about the children, which explains why they plan to paint the south of France gold & fill it with hundreds of thousands of helium balloons. Asked if it was all going to be bigger than Ben Hur, Angelina frowned and said "Who's he? I don't think he's on the guest list"  The couple, known to their older children as Mommy and that guy from Fight Club, you know the one with the hair and the cigarettes, will be married on their estate in the south of France.   The simple but intensely moving and deeply spiritual service...

Traditional Love Ballad ( arr. The Pogues) Fuck I'm drunk & I'm drunk as fuck I'm drunk so drunk Couldn't give a fuck Buy me another whiskey I'll look better when you're drunk Buy us both a whiskey Are those my teeth Over there on the floor Oh fuck it Where's me whiskey Give me whiskey Or give me death But first give me whiskey Blood and mud & truth and death Well fuck that all that & that & that Darling just go get me more Of that famous Irish Whiskey (The Brendan Behan remix)

I for one welcome our new Ferret overlords. This has nothing to do with the fact that the Ferret Nation has seen fit to deed me the south island of New Zealand. And before harsh words fly I'd like to remind you all that collaborator is an ugly word. Not as ugly as axolotl but that's another matter. People, we need the Ferrets to lead us. They are kind and good and have very sharp teeth. The three essential  attributes of successful leaders. But wait, there's more ...                        WHY FERRETS WILL MAKE GREAT LEADERS 1. No ferret has ever uttered the phrase  "the jus served with the Chicken Bazerol lacked ethical coherence" 2. Ferrets can water ski and do differential calculus at the same time 3. Middle-aged white ferrets do not wear dreadlocks or buy Harleys & call their wives "my old lady" 4. All ferrets are adept at the much-malign...

          We are your leaders now

1.   You have a parrot that's addicted to drugs 2.   Your limo driver arrives at work in his own limo 3.   You want to change your name to  "The Artist Formerly Known As ..."        and you can't for the life of you remember what name it is        that people aren't allowed to call you anymore 4.    Leonard Cohen rocks up to sing in a tribute show to you 5.    A small South American country invites you to be its President 6.    You accept 7.    You buy a copy of your own tell-all autobiography to find out what         you did between 1983 and 1989 8.     You ring Madonna to find out if your marriage really ended that badly 7.     You get the feeling you're churning out the same old numbers 9.   ...

The new phone's brilliant. Don't know why I waited. I can make 3D videos, conference call heads-of-state in the Euro zone encouraging them not to default on loans, and instantly re-edit any major studio films that are giving me the shits. I can form my own city-state, arrange loans under the guidance of the International Monetary Fund, and apply for admission to the UN Security council. I can pretty much run my own space programme up to and including moon-shots and Mars exploration. Standard apps allow me to record a duet with Janis Joplin, play chess in real time with Stephen Hawking, and destabilise the governments of small Pacific nations. Apparently I even get a say in the election of the next Pope. Which is great because I'm pretty much sold on that $9.99 app which allows me to prove the existence of God. For an extra $19.95 a month I can even make phone calls. Oh. And you just can't try any of this stuff along Liverpool Rd between Canterbury Rd & ...

How many Kiwis does it take to change a lightbulb ? Two. One to change the bulb & one to bitch about how the lightbulbs are much better back in New Zealand.

How many Australians does it take to change a light bulb ? What's wrong with that light bulb ? That's a good Aussie light bulb. My grandfather fought for that light bulb. If you don't like our light bulb you can just piss off back where you came from.

The ten totally true and absolutely accurate reasons why there hasn't been a blog for a month. 1. We've been waiting for parts from Sydney 2. These ten jokes were all written weeks ago in New Zealand & I was stunned to realise that thanks to an unfavourable exchange rate I only had eight and a quarter jokes when I landed back in Australia. 3. I was distracted for a couple of months working as campaign manager for Mitt Romney. Forced to resign when he rejected my winning slogan "Elect me or gerbils will rule the earth". I said to him: Mitt. Mate. It's perfect for you. It makes no sense & it's vaguely frightening. 4. I got involved in a drinking competition with Julian Assange and Lady Gaga. Big mistake. She ended up in jail in Sweden and I was found wandering round in a dress made of DNA code, vegan sausages & people's pin numbers. Mind you Julian got a pretty good double album out of it & he looks way cool in the video. 5. I got a...