The Seven Pilchards of Wisdom

       Welcome to the wisdom of ferrets. The Seven Pilchards of Wisdom. I know what you're thinking: they've stolen this from T.E. Lawrence and they've got it wrong. But my friends it is you who are wrong.

And while we're at it, a gentle reminder that the ferrets are our leaders and it is their wish that you pay attention to this crap. There will be a brief test.

The original Lawrence of Arabia was a ferret named Nigel "Tee Hee" Lawrence, renowned for his insouciant sense of humour, impeccable dress sense, and ability to unite the Arab desert tribes into a powerful military force during the Boer War. And this may have been where he went wrong. What with that war having been pretty much confined to the southern, in fact the most southern, parts of Africa. A bloody long ride, even for the hardy Bedouin. Thus, unfortunately, Nigel "Tee Hee" Lawrence and his Arab legions hard virtually no effect whatsoever on the outcome of the Boer War.

But damn he looked good on a camel, blues eyes flashing & white robes billowing.

Later, waiting for the motorcycle to be invented so he could die prematurely in an accident, the true (ferret) Lawrence wrote a book "The Seven Pilchards of Wisdom" based on generations of tribal wisdom gleaned from his Arab friends, and some stuff he picked up from women's magazines he'd read in doctors' waiting rooms.

And how, you ask, did the more well-known but shallow and flashy Lawrence of Arabia come to write a book called "The Seven Pillars of Wisdom" ? Ferrets say it is because he was a thieving & slightly deaf opportunist, and I tend to agree with them. That's what they pay me for. 

This simple book has become the basis of Ferret philosophy & is based on seven simple thoughts. Now the Ferrets, as you may have realised by now, are not your authoritarian types. These are not orders ! They are merely suggestions. But they are damn good ones and the Ferrets want you to carefully consider them. Really.

1. Never eat anything bigger than your head

2. The world would be a better place if all national anthems were abolished and replaced by The Swingers "Counting the Beat"

3. If you wake up convinced you've just had the most brilliant idea ever for  a comedy sci-fi television show, chances are you've passed out after a couple too many vodka & mascarpone frappes and slept through a late-night marathon showing of Red Dwarf

4. There really are no decent jokes to be made about Romulans and it's pointless to try. Ferrengi however are inherently funny.

5. If at first you don't succeed, fuck it.

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