THE NINE & A HALF COMMANDMENTS

Since being put in charge, the ferrets have thought long and hard about the spiritual malaise they see around them. They wanted to find a desert and wander into it in search of answers, but couldn't find one close to public transport, so took themselves off to Melton. Which is close enough. There are no mountains in Melton, so it was arranged for the "Moses'' committee to meet up with God in an old scout hall behind Aldi and hammer out a few ideas. It's probably fair to say that the ferret concept of God is closer to Fair Work Australia than your more traditional Judeo-Christian figure. There's a lot of room for negotiation. And cups of tea. And date scones. This is a draft copy of the commandments, to be ratified by the members.

1. Thou shalt not try to get out of a body corporate AGM by declaring that you have to stay home, get naked, smear yourself with whale blubber and watch the Christmas episode of Downton Abbey

2. Thou shalt never, under any circumstances, declare ....   ''That's the way I roll''

3. Honour they mother and father. Unless they are white people with dreadlocks, in which case they may be lampooned mercilessly. And someone told me you can divorce your parents if they are big enough tools. Look into it.

4. Thou shell knot re lie two much on spell cheque

5. If you love somebody, set them free. If they don't come back, you can always send them long drunken emails at three o'clock in the morning explaining in some detail exactly how much they have fucked up your life. Or just post those unflattering holiday photos on Facebook.

6. Thou shall not draw to an inside straight. This means little to me, or the ferrets. Ferrets do not like to gamble, and I have no idea about poker. But.  God was very  insistent about this one. Einstein once declared that God does not play dice. Apparently, however, he's a bit keen on poker. Who knew ?

7. Thou shall play "30 Rock" and "Parks & Recreation" regularly AND AT THE SCHEDULED TIME CHANNEL 7 YOU BASTARDS.

8. Thou shall not drink coffee after about four pm. Unless you're a shift worker. Or a doctor who needs to stay awake to perform a tricky operation. Or maybe you're a student and you've got a fair amount of last-minute study, I don't know. God here. Speaking directly.Look, just try and figure it out for yourselves. I'm not always happy with this bossy kind of stuff. It's bad enough being omniscient. Have you got any idea how much useless shit I know ? It's fucking mind boggling. But look back to the rules -  I mean, you all know the drill, right ? Try not to be a dickhead, don't eat onion at lunch if you've got an important meeting in the afternoon, try to get a bit of exercise and have a couple of pieces of fruit every day. Just be cool, okay ?

9. God here again. Can I just say what a complete pleasure it's been doing business with the ferrets. They are so cool. Not like that last guy you sent, whatshisname ? Yeah, Moses. What a pain. Where are you ? I can't see you God. How do I know you're really there ? Why can't I see you ? That bush could've just been struck by lightning. I wanna go to the promised land. Are we there yet ? Are we there yet ? Oy. Was I keen to see the back of him. I mean I know he looked liked Charlton Heston and all that, but what a tool !Those ten were just suggestions by the way. Nothing carved in stone.


10. Thou shalt only have nine commandments.