AGM REPORT

As CEO of Obscene Profits International I have to tell you we have not had the best of years. I will list in some detail the people and forces which have prevented us from achieving even more obscene profits for Obscene Profits this year. None of this is our fault. Please finish your dolphin fin soup and unicorn liver pate while I explain who's really to blame. Basically it's about the cost of doing business in Australia. I'm sure that abolishing slavery had some glitzy superficial political appeal, but really it's buggered things for the business sector. People who are just trying to make an honest living. And us as well. But let's move on.

Now it's easy, in times of economic uncertainty, to blame to government of the day. So let's start there. PM Julia Gilliard is a witch. A bona fide follower of Satan. I know this to be true because my very good friends at the Barely-Disguised Fascist Bastard Institute of Correct Thinking have confirmed this for me. Besides, her name is an anagram of Ill Jail Guard. What more proof so you need ? Ms Gilliard, who, like most Satanists, has no children and lives with a former hairdresser, has lead the Labour Party and this whole country into an economic shit storm which threatens the very fabric of our society. And it's done no good at all for results in our retail sector here at Obscene Profits International. I have here the full report from our Retail Sector Vice-President, who now insists on being addressed as Jah Ra, the Golden Lion of Abyssinia. He says "Dude. Dudes don't want to buy our shit no more. Peace." This, ladies and gentleman, is what happens when you elect a minority Labour Government shored up by the Greens and other communists.

And speaking of nanny states, ninnies and other cretins, we have also suffered outrageous restraints of trade: a totally legal agreement to supply nuclear weapons to North Korea was stymied by Foreign Affairs. Interfering bastards. They buggered up a nice little earner there I can tell you.

So it's been belt-tightening times all round. Speaking of which, I do apologise for the lack of the usual 1874 Krug which has made this meeting such a happy and sophisticated affair in previous years. We hope you'll find the 1949 Roederer Crystal an acceptable substitute. Cheap but cheerful, I say.

Now. The Carbon Tax. Further proof that Satan and his followers walk amongst us. Whilst I am legally constrained from blaming cost increases on the Carbon Tax directly, let me just say this: it is an incontrovertible fact that the introduction of this brutal financial impost has caused a marked increase in ugly babies. I don't know about you, but ugly babies just bum me right out, and it's pretty easy to see how this has lead to a crippling lack of consumer confidence in the economy.

It is true that our results in the manufacturing sector leave much to be desired. The reasons for this are many and varied, and extremely complicated. After a great deal of investigation and review, we have decided to blame (a) the weather,  (b) the mediocre performance of the Australian Cricket team, and (c) a guy called Kevin who lives in Boronia.

And finally, if I ever find out the name of the staff member who put in the winning bid for Channel Nine on eBay, they're dead meat.

Of course given the poor performance of Obscene Profits this past year, I will be reducing my personal performance bonus from four million dollars down to seven and a half million dollars. I know that this is not a reduction in the usual sense of the word, but trust me,  it's a book-keeping thing. And I can assure you that I will feel at least forty percent worse about accepting the money. It's the least I can do.