FERRET OLYMPIC PERFORMANCE REVIEW

FERRET OLYMPIC REVIEW COMMITTEE

I've had a quick look over the findings of the committee of enquiry into Ferret Olympic performance, and I'd have to say they've done a pretty fair job. Since Ferret Olympic policy shifted away from actual events and medal tallies, and concentrated on the real business of the Olympics, which is excuses, idiotic behaviour, and excuses for idiotic behaviour, ferrets are coming up gold! 


 Ferret excuses have improved massively, both in quality and quantity. Ferret swimmers complained the water was too wet, ferret runners complained that the starting guns had frightened them and they were disadvantaged by having to run a really long way on tiny little legs, and ferret archers claimed the daylight hurt their eyes and the events should have been held at night. Olympic standard whinging !! Bravo !! I thought the committee may have seen fit to draw special attention to the ferret hurdler who, after downing fifteen lagers and placing second in a bratwurst-eating competition the night before, failed to show up for his event at all, and blamed the whole thing on Chinese drug-cheats. Magnificent. This is the kind of  reach-for-the-stars stuff that has seen our Ferret Olympic team the envy of the whole world. Is this worthy of increased taxpayer-funding ?  Absolutely. The suggestion from one committee member that we shoot every third coach in order to motivate the others is I think a little harsh. And the committee needs to remember that we're looking for excuses here, not results.

Remember, we've agreed to move away from Faster ! Stronger ! Higher ! and go with Louder ! Wider ! Sillier !

I'd have to agree with the committee that it's high time ferrets just withdrew  altogether from events where opposable thumbs are a bit of a prerequisite. Ferret performances in events like the javelin have been, let's face it, tragic on every level.

But. Onwards and upwards. This Olympiad ferrets excelled at activities such as getting pissed, stealing flags and sleeping with Chinese shot putters of indeterminate sex. Ferrets were head and shoulders above the rest at posting pics on facebook of themselves posing with sex toys and weapons of mass destruction, taking vast amounts of ecstasy and flashing their genitals at photo id customs checkpoints, and then blaming the entire thing on the infectious moral depravity of the former Soviet Bloc countries.This makes no sense whatsover, making it to my mind especially impressive. Again, ferrets lead the world !

The committee predictably congratulated the team's results in events where ferrets have traditionally been strong. Rabbiting. Ten golds. Bit of an upset from the Norwegian rat team in the short course event, but I think we can all agree they are almost certainly drug cheats. And foreigners to boot. Bastards.

And I agree with the committee  that yet again ferrets were grievously disadvantaged by the exclusion of   events such as ballroom dancing, poetry-writing, and rushing down holes in an excited fashion.  Is it too much to ask for a level playing field ? How else will we compete with foreigners, bastards, and drug cheats !

Finally. Is it worth millions more of taxpayers money. Of course. More money, better excuses. Quality excuses don't come cheap. Well done Ferrets. Well done committee.

 And on a more personal note, I'll be helping with fund-raising for the next Olympiad by playing with my band "Chinese Drug Cheats" every Friday night for the next four years down at the Amputee Arms . Join us for four years of covers of Leonard Cohen and Jacques Brel songs. We've suffered for our art. Now it's your turn.