FERRETS v. THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE



H.G.WELLS DISCUSSES THE ZOMBIE PROBLEM WITH "ALIAS POOR YORICK" STAFFERS



We live in troubling times. So much to worry about : the high value of the Australian dollar causing inflationary pressure, a general erosion of moral values, and of course the Zombie Apocalypse.

We've assigned a special team here at the ALIAS POOR YORICK to work closely with our Ferret masters to bring you the best strategies to deal with a Zombie Apocalypse in your area. Probably the first thing to remember is Don't Panic. A Zombie Apocalypse is not the end of the world. Necessarily. Not always. Just stay calm and consider all your options. One of which should probably be to get guns. Buy a lot of guns. Big guns.

Before taking action, ensure that you are in fact suffering from an imminent Zombie Apocalypse. You may perhaps have simply stumbled into a Young Liberals fund-raising dinner, or a workshop for the tragically overacting-afflicted community acting fraternity. Feel free to shoot some of these people anyway, but be aware that they are not your actual zombies, and legal penalties may apply.

If a Zombie Apocalypse is already in full swing in your neighbourhood, the first thing you need to do is persuade your local government to immediately pass laws banning zombies. Once these are enacted, you can then approach the zombies with confidence and tell them that their presence is totally illegal. Explain to them calmly and quietly that they have strayed into a No Zombie Zone and must leave immediately. If this does not work, you may want to get a big shiny axe like the one Jack Nicholson had in "The Shining". Make sure it's really sharp.

Here are more helpful tips for dealing with zombies. Why not try some at random, or mix them up ! It's important to have fun with your local Zombie Apocalypse !


1. Challenge the Zombies to a ballroom dancing competition. Zombies are crap at dancing, and will generally shuffle away in shame.

2. Speak French. Zombies are scared by the French language.

3. Recite poetry. Anything will do, but Shelley and Byron are particularly good. Wordsworth is terrific. Watch those brain-dead brain-eaters run for their lives !

4. If this does not work, get out the AK 47's. They're an old gun, but good.

5. Remind the Zombies that they are in fact completely fictional characters and have no power whatsoever

6.. Should this fail, produce a rocket-launcher.

7. Initiate a lengthy philosophical discussion around the basic tenets of logical positivism. This will make the Zombie brain ache severely, giving you a chance to escape.

8. If this does not work, get out the anti-tank weapons.

9.. Zombies in general have not had the happiest time of things and sometimes all they need is a hug. Or a bit of a friendly chat about their day and the little problems they've faced. It's really quite remarkable how your average zombie will react to this.

10. However. If this does not work, get out the guns. Big guns. Lots of guns. Bloody enormous great noisy guns. We cannot stress too heavily how important it is to have a lot of guns, and use them.

And you all have a nice day !