Didn't Do It, Wasn't There, You Can't Prove a Thing

Ladies & gentleman I am innocent of all charges. I'm here this afternoon to explain to you that there is no need for denials because I did none of these things & I reject all accusations even though or perhaps precisely because, there is nothing to reject. I'm here to make that quite clear. People are out to get me and I'll tell you who, but first I blame the media. And everyone else. Yes you. You know who you are. You've stirred up a lynch mob, sharpened the knives, and fanned the flames that have lit the torches in the hands of the angry faces I see in front of me armed with knives and torches and iPads of hate. Thank you I will have a glass of water.

Comedy can be a dirty game, I had no idea just how dirty until now. I have been specifically targeted by CEO s of rival blogging empires. Root Macpherson of Giggle+ and Vic Rhodes of dickfartbumjokesinc, jealous of my boyish good looks, outrageous comedy success, and high-level contacts in the punctuation industry, threatened many times to set me up with hookers and drugs and goats and make it look like I'd paid for all this with the staff Christmas Club credit card here at Alias Poor Yorick. Lies. Calumny. Persecution. Toast (sorry, I'm under a lot of pressure)

 I categorically deny using the APY CC credit card to buy hookers, the drugs were planted on me by the hookers I never hired, and history has shown that goats are extremely unreliable witnesses. I don't even know what a prostitute is, don't they stand around in rivers panning for gold ? I am innocent of everything, including some of that stuff that hasn't been mentioned yet. I did none of that. And there's more stuff I didn't do, and certainly didn't use the company credit card to pay for.

(Let the record show that at this stage Mr Browett became strident and started speaking with an Afrikaans accent as indicated by the change of font)

I have never cheated at monopoly, stolen cheese from Harrods, or secretly lusted after Theresa Rein. 

I have never hired a George Clooney lookalike to sit and talk with me in trendy restaurants, nor have I ever cruised the Internet using the alias Tremont Duplex Jnr.  I did not sell Viagra to a Russian oligarch to finance a feature film as a star vehicle for my girlfriend Elvira Strange.

I was in no way responsible for the Italian invasion of Abyssinia in 1935 or the disappearance of American union boss Jimmy Hoffa. I have never owned a Fiat.

I did not send a copy of “Poetry for Beginners” to Gina Rinehart. 

I did not write the script for “The Never-ending Story: Part Two”, nor have I written storylines or scripts for the primetime NZ soap “Graham and Mrs. Endicott have tea and pumpkin scones”. I have never invaded Ecuador.

It is totally untrue that I once drank two bottles of absinthe and then sung the entire libretto of “Westside Story” to a meeting of startled Quakers.

I have never pretended to be French for financial or political gain, and I categorically deny that I once tweeted Julie Bishop inviting her to a evening of strip canasta.

I did not, on or about Feb 24 1971, drive my father’s AP6 Valiant at an average speed of 89.4 mph on the Northern Motorway out of Dunedin, establishing an unofficial record.

I categorically deny having any involvement in suspicious voting patterns in the 1979 Eurovision Song Quest. I have never written jokes for Clive Palmer. And I have never stood for pre-selection as an International Socialist in the federal seat of Kooyong.

And finally, I did not kiss either Penelope Dean or Miranda Wheeler in the film projector cupboard in Yr 5, although I would’ve quite liked to.

Everything I’ve said here today is true, I swear to God …. What ??  He said all that ? Bit harsh.. well okay, not that God. Another one. One who isn’t so bloody picky.

Jeff Browett (Until proven otherwise in a court of law)