Dear Mr Zuckerberg


Dear Mr Zuckerberg,

Don't worry I am not a crazy person. You must get quite a bit of that in your line of work you know letters from insane people and that, but not me. No worries there. The doctors told me I'm fine now.

Nor am I after money. I have plenty. You know that little "bing" noise when you turn on your computer ? That's mine. I invented that. Sold it to my good friend Bill "Badass" Gates back in the early days of Microsoft and I've been pretty comfortable ever since. Besides my needs are fairly simple - as I always say you can only drive one Lamborghini & divorce one trophy wife at a time ! Bwah hah !! I have such a wacky sense of humour. My friends comment on it all the time.

No look the thing is I like to help young guys like you just starting out in the business, what are you 28, 29 ? Just a baby, but I reckon you're onto something with this Facebook thing. It has potential but I think you just need to change a few things. For a start the name. It sounds a bit plain, a bit ordinary, like something you hear every day.

You need to call it something like Fantastic Facebook Friendzy (geddit ?) Make people sit up and take notice. Because if you want to succeed you'll need lots of people to get on this Facebook thing. You probably figured that out yourself, but I'm just saying ..

Anyway, this Like Comment Share thing. Not enough options my friend. You need stuff like

( Icon) The Sally Fields' Oscar Acceptance Speech : You love me, you really really love me. After all these years, now I know you really love me. I'll treasure this moment forever

(Icon) Satori : Your post made me laugh, it made me cry, and in one blinding flash it changed the way I feel about life and the entire cosmos and I feel a sense of purpose and peace unlike anything I ever imagined. Thanks mate.

(Icon) WTF: What deep hellish pit of bad judgement made me even for a second consider accepting your Friend Request - this recent post of yours has lessened me, it has lessened you, and in fact has lowered the tone of the entire fucking universe to the extent where for the first time in many years I am seriously considering suicide as a valid existential option. If you keep doing this I may Unfriend you.

(Icon) WTFIT: What the fuck is that ? Why have you posted a sepia-toned photo of your knee ?

(Icon) Gotcha : I know where you stole that joke from

(Icon) ??? : I neither like nor dislike your post, in fact to be quite honest I have no idea what it means but I felt compelled to respond. Who are you anyway, I can't place the name.

(Icon) Acid Reflux: Please stop posting photos of your cooking. Hey no offence, I'm sure it tastes great but really it looks revolting and I'm on this medication at the moment that makes me slightly nauseous so I'd appreciate it if you'd just hold back on these truly fucking awful pictures, I mean there's a reason they use food stylists you know .... kiss kiss, hug hug

(Icon) LOTQ: I wanted to laugh at your post but it's a bit dodgy isn't it, and I feel conflicted morally and politically and could not possibly allow there to be a record of me having liked this. I have many friends who would be hurt and offended by this and I suggest that you take a good long hard look at yourself. However, just between you & me ...

(Icon) The Arthur Daley : I am thrilled in a comatose sort of way that young Tarquin and Frinton are doing so well at Geelong Grammar but what I really want to talk about is this clean & reliable 1995 Audi I'm forced to sell at an outrageously low price. I am in fact robbing myself. It's a tidy little motor and a steal at the price. Must sell as I'm leaving the country at the end of the month.

(Icon) Crucifux & Garlic: Three posts about "The Voice" in ten minutes. Are you in league with Satan ??


      Anyway Markie boy, just a few thoughts, I'm sure if you put your mind to it you can come up with some more yourself, almost as good.

Look I have to go now. Just looked at my Urgent Shopping list and I need a pruning saw, a manual breast pump, and a big-screen TV. All on special at Aldi ! How lucky's that ! That's the family in the photo at the top. I'm the good-looking one.

Yours helpfully,
Jeff Smylie, The Lost Tycoon

PS: Ditch the advertising buddy - makes the thing look a mess. Stick with me kid, you'll be worth millions one day.








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