FIFTY SHADES OF GURU

JE SUIS UN GURU

What makes me a guru ? Is it the shiny blue jacket, or the hair with its own gym membership ?  Yes. That's all you need people. I got 'em. And I got the wisdom. Of course this is not, in and of itself, enough to make one a guru. You have to believe. I first realised I had what it takes when my father took me out into backyard one night and pointed at the night sky. "Son", he said to me "If Gabriel had learnt the violin, the walls of Jericho would still be standing". I remember thinking what a load of complete bullshit that was, but it sounded good.  I thought "I could do this. I could talk crap just like that". I was on my way. Dad patted me on the shoulder and said "Always remember son, never take a spoon to a knife-fight". Brilliant. And at the same time total bollocks. Bring it on.

 I was only eleven year old, but I found a couple of friends and told them : If at first you don't succeed, blame it on a poorly-funded public education system. Give a boy a bicycle and he'll fall off it. Teach a boy how to ride a bicycle and he'll fall off it much less. Okay, so I needed to work on this stuff. but I'd made a start. The rest is history. Or perhaps just a myth. Whatever. Here's this week's golden thoughts.


1. If you give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. If you teach him to fish, he will sit around in a boat all day drinking beer and buy some fish on the way home.

2. When you reach the middle you have finally passed that annoying bit between the beginning and the middle that nobody knows what to call. The middle may not seem like much fun, but at least it has a name.

3. If at first you don't succeed, there's a place for you in Programming at Channel Ten

4. Never buy a camel from a Frenchman  (This thought is loosely based on an old Armenian proverb, and may have lost something in translation. But it's still really really true.)

5. David Hasselhof is an idiot

6. He who laughs last may just have taken a very long time to get the joke.

7. People who live in glass houses should always have an adequate supply of Windex.

8. Oscar Wilde once said  "We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars" which is all very well but what Oscar failed to mention was that you should also keep an eye out for mechanical street-sweepers being driven by a man with a mean streak. And who could blame him really it's not much of a job and he's out there till all hours, his marriage is probably in tatters because of all this shift work and he finds you lolling around in the gutter he's trying to clean. Look, Mr Wilde was a lovely man, snappy dresser, excellent writer and all that, but he wasn't much chop at thinking things through and let's face it things did not end well for him. I'm just saying this man here is trying to keep the streets clean and you're lounging about in his gutter going "I can see the stars, I can see the stars" . Dude. Get out of the bloody gutter.

9. People who write successful comedy blogs usually write short jokes

10. Always take a clean handkerchief with you when you leave the house,