BRANGELINA WEDDING : SHOCK EXCLUSIVE

Best not ask where we got this info. Let's just say I lent Julian Assange a cup of lawyers a few months back & he's really grateful....

... and forgive me if some of this is a bit disjointed - I had to fight Richard Wilkins for the notes and there's bits of  blood and peroxide all over them. Anyway, details so far:

 So. Forget William and Kate -  this will be the wedding of the century. Angelina says it's all about the children, which explains why they plan to paint the south of France gold & fill it with hundreds of thousands of helium balloons. Asked if it was all going to be bigger than Ben Hur, Angelina frowned and said "Who's he? I don't think he's on the guest list"

 The couple, known to their older children as Mommy and that guy from Fight Club, you know the one with the hair and the cigarettes, will be married on their estate in the south of France.   The simple but intensely moving and deeply spiritual service will take place in a thirty-thousand year old chapel retrieved from the Lost City of Atlantis and refurbished at a cost of two hundred million dollars. That's what spiritual simplicity and elegance costs these days. After reading some of his sonnets, Bras and Angelina were dead keen to have Shakespeare write the simple but intensely moving and deeply spiritual service and were slightly miffed to find out he has been dead for some time.
"FT", said Angelina "Get his agent on the phone and offer him three times the money. We'll see who's dead !"

A team of Nobel prize-winning recombinant DNA scientists are already at work cloning St Francis of Assisi because Brangelina want someone "cool and special" to conduct the simply but intensely moving and deeply spiritual service.

Security is of course a major concern. Air space security will be in the hands of the French Air Force ... I'm sorry I'll read again, security for Brad's hair will be in the hands of the French Air Force. Perimeter and air-space security will be supervised by Perez Hilton & the editors of Vogue and the Australian Women's Weekly. Tough as, bro.

A fifty metre wide moat will be constructed around the entire estate & filled with sharks, crocodiles, and greased-up entertainment editors from the Murdoch Empire gripping bundles of thousand-dollar notes in their teeth. Survivors will be granted a thirty-minute photo op and interview.

Spokespeople for the couple have denied there will be a full length mirror beside the entrance gate with a life-size photo of Johnny Depp and his wife with a sign that reads "You must be this good-looking to enter"

James Cameron had been hired to direct the 3D 70mm $250m wedding video, but  has been dumped after he insisted the children needed to be recast, or at least painted blue.
Sir Peter Jackson was being considered but he was making some seriously weird demands about being elevated to the peerage

Two of the younger children, Genome and Trope will be flower children, flying in on giant genetically-modified doves.

And in a strange symbolic ceremony also at the insistence of the children, Brad and Angelina will each remarry and then re-divorce the craziest of their former partners. "It's to symbolise a badly needed return to sanity for our extended family" said recently adopted triplets Marscarpone, Higgs Boson, and *batteries not included

Allah, God, and Yahweh have been invited to the ceremony, but are not expected to attend due to pressing commitments in the Middle East.

Don't worry but. George Clooney will be there. He loves a simple but intensely moving and deeply spiritual occasion. Especially with a bottle of '27 Chateau y'Quem