Denial Too

The Author Contemplates the Ludicrous Charges Against Him

As I stand here before this tribunal I am appalled, disgusted, and flabbergasted. But most of all, innocent.

Totally, completely, absolutely innocent of these and all other charges that may or may not be brought against me. This is clearly what Kafka was talking about about when he famously said "Will you lot piss off, I'm trying to write a play". I'm so innocent I have given my lawyer, Hirohito Fengshui, the day off and will defend myself. Let me make this abundantly clear:

I have never conspired to murder one or more of the Wiggles and replace them with ruthless assassin cyborgs. Furthermore, I have never been offered, even on a trial basis, the part of the Black Wiggle.

I have never watched "Downton Abbey" with the sound turned down, doing all the voices in a broad New Zealand accent & adding frequent farting noises.

I did not encourage Bryce Courtenay to lie about fighting in the Spanish Civil War alongside Ernest Hemingway and Salvador Dali.

Billie Jean is not my lover, she's just a girl who thinks that I am the one, the kid is not my son.

It is not true that I once hacked Nick Cave's computer and added smiley face emoticons to all his emails

I have never been a member of  the International Order of Oddfellows, the Lions Club, or the Coffin Cheaters (Medical Corp Auxiliary)

It is true that I once claimed to be a direct descendant of Louis the Sun King, but this was not for financial gain, only to win an argument with a panel-beater.

 I have never tweeted photos of my knees to junior staff members here at Alias Poor Yorick.

I have never tried to convince a foreign exchange student that the national anthem of Canada is "Fuck 'Em if They Can't Take a Joke".

I have never fraudulently claimed to be a single father with Aspbergers in order to obtain arts council funding for my one-man show about a single father with Aspbergers.

I have never cheated at Rubik's cube

And I need to be most emphatic about this: Alias Poor Yorick has never enjoyed a "special relationship" with British Prime Minister, David Cameron. I strenuously deny all knowledge of this, and so does my chief-of-staff Paul "Rebecca" Yorick. There is no evidence of any of this, and were any to surface I would be deeply disappointed and shocked. And surprised. Golly yes. Surprised. Oh shit yes. Staggered ...