THE PERFECT COFFEE

 THE ROASTING PROCESS REQUIRES GREAT CONCENTRATION

It was just two days after my fifteenth birthday that I decided to dedicate my life to creating the perfect cup of coffee. I had wanted to become a doctor and make a difference to child morbidity rates in the Sudan , but at that moment I went no bugger it, I want to do something important with my life. After all, I'm from Melbourne. The first thing I did of course was to spend several months praying to Saint Anselm, who conceived the ontological proof of God's existence, and, surely not coincidentally, is the patron saint of coffee. I asked for guidance. Then I met my personal guru,Tarquin Vespa,  a man who sent me off to the North Sahara desert region to meditate on a coffee bean. I want you, he said, to become the coffee bean...

By the way, surely I can't have heard sir correctly, A latte ? At this time of day ? Surely not. We have a saying in Italy. Milk comes from cows, coffee comes from God. Surely you would not spit in the face of God by drinking anything but a pure espresso at this time of the evening ? Good. Now I do not have to kill you. And no, I am not originally from Italy, I changed my nationality by deed poll twenty years ago. All it took was a payment of 35 lire and a promise to dress a lot better. You may call me Mario Lambretta. People say you can drink too much coffee, that it makes you over-excited & too talkative, I say this is the sort of childish nonsense we have come to expect from you pale and nervous Anglo-Celtic types....

Now, where was I. Ah yes. My education beings. And yes, I can ride a vespa. It was not compulsory, but it shows off my Gucci loafers to great effect. Now. Back to the mountain regions of Peru. For many years I studied under Barry, the mad Barista-Monk. He taught me everything. All coffee must be made at exactly four-hundred feet above sea level to ensure to correct boiling point for the water. The water must never be boiled however. Only an agent of Satan would make coffee from water which has been boiled. And now, I hear you ask, which water do I use ? Will any water do ? Certainly not you fool. Holy water is best, but if you can't get that, then distilled water which has been stared at by a beautiful woman for several hours will do nicely. The water must then be heated at exactly 98.1 degrees C for 23 minutes. Twice.

I only use a 1931 four-jet Gaggia machine which was liberated from Milan railway station at the end of the war by my grandfather. Well, obviously not my grandfather literally, but certainly somebody's grandfather. I use only coffee beans grown in a location so secret that were I to tell you, I would have to kill you. People talk about killing for a decent coffee. I have done this. Do not make me do this again. Too many have died already. Let me just say that at the right time of year you can see the snows of Kilamanjaro from the Gardens of Eden where the magical beans are grown.The beans listen only to Schubert as they grow. They are harvested only by tall beautiful blind people. I'm sure you can see the need for this precaution. The beans are then roasted by Zen Buddist monks using a process so secret that, again, were I to tell you, I would have to kill you. The process is, as you can see, spectacular, and the smell is exquisite, a hint of paradise. Your coffee sir. That'll be $4.oo. Bless you and your family. Sleep well.