ALIAS POOR YORICK

POPE YORICK II     I shouldn't really be talking about this yet, I mean nothing's confirmed.... you didn't even know I was papabile did you ( for the tiny minority of my readers who don't already know, this means shortlisted for the pope gig, one of the chosen few, a likely contender, and while we're on the subject it's not too late to get a few bucks down on me, I think you can still get 12 or even 15 to 1 odds, money for jam because it's pretty much a lock, just a couple of contractual details and your humble but incredibly talented managing editor will be installed as Pope Yorick II. I'm not saying money has changed hands, I'm just saying this is a bet you can't lose )  But wait, I hear you say, you're not a Cardinal, you're not even a catholic, you're a lapsed Presbyterian. The cardinals are going to spot this. And you're right, and my point is, so what ? You've had an all-catholic team in the Vatican up to now, and...

  EDITORIAL APOLOGY & MEA CULPA MAXIMUS     Finally, a mere seven  weeks after the event, our  FNQ Editor-at-Large, Chip Le Mans Beauregard Jones- Smythe-LaCroix (ex Woodville Racing Quarterly)  has filed this on the spot report from the the scene. He assures us that this extraordinary delay was unavoidable because the piece required extensive polishing and further fact checking. We here at Alias Poor Yorick are not in the habit of harassing professional freelancers or questioning their bar bills, however it must be noted that the bulk of this polishing was done at the Byron Bay Hilton and involved interviewing forty-three known drug dealers I'm sorry I mean film production advisors, two palm readers, and a Reiki practitioner who nearly worked for the Bureau of Meteorology but turned down the job when they realised that BOM was a bit hung up on the science stuff and didn't listen to the secret true voice of the universe. I knew Chip in the old days...

BUT FIRST A JOKE :  How many Australians does it take to change a lightbulb ?  What's wrong with the lightbulb ? That's a bloody good Aussie lightbulb. I dunno, you come over here, get on the dole, steal our women, and then have the cheek to whinge about our lightbulbs. My father died in the war for that lightbulb. Well okay he didn't die in the war, but he once got so pissed on Anzac Day that he had to take three days off work. And let's not even talk about Vietnam. He went there on a Tiger Airlines tour once and got so bloody crook from a pork roll we thought he might lose a kidney. And all you bloody foreigners can do is criticize our lightbulbs !  You can all bugger off.   PROFESSOR JEFRI L'ÉSTRANGE, SENIOR LECTURER IN SOME SORT OF BULLSHIT AT THE UNIVERSITY OF WEST RINGWOOD At first glance, it might seem that anyone as screamingly flamboyant as this would be a shoo-in for this honour, but it's not as straight-forward as ...

Alias Poor Yorick CEO JEFF BROWETT WEARING A 5th Century BC SUMERIAN  APOLOGY HELMET  I'm sorry. We're all sorry. Traditionally ALIAS POOR YORICK publishes several apologies each year. Good apologies. Well-written apologies for badly written posts. Apologies for the lack of posts. We have prided ourselves on our apologies, and now I must apologise for the complete lack of apologies in the calendar year so far. I'm sorry. We're all sorry. Not even a traditional apology for things we've had nothing to do with, like the Boer War. A silly war. One of those daft bullshit conflicts which inevitably occur when you have an empire stretched so far across the globe that you've run out of pink paint and start blaming the natives for your own administrative inadequacies. Yes Britain I'm talking to you, stop trying to hide down the back of the room and pretending that Baden-Powell and the Boy Scouts weren't your fault. I mean there's that prize dufus Baden-Powell...

  Have you ever found yourself asking why Jesus had to go and get himself crucified right at the beginning of our biggest and best public holiday ?  I mean what was God thinking ? What is Easter about anyway, and how come it never gets a mention in the bible ?  Is it possible then there is no such thing as Easter, God does not exist, and all of you who think he does are really dumb?  We are indebted to the Richard Dawkins' Big Bossy Blog of Science for this masterful bit of rational thinking. Back to the factoids. It's time to get to the bottom of this whole Easter mystery. The resurrection. The rabbit. The eggs. The ferrets. In fact pretty much every mystifying detail about Easter and its celebration can be laid at the feet of Irish Catholic alcoholics and ferrets, Somewhere between crucifixion and chocolate came the Easter Ferret. It may surprise you to know that the very first "Easter Rabbit" was in fact an Easter Ferret who wandered into Jesus' emp...

                                                  Office Manager Mr S. Unra (Chartered Accountant) PONYTAIL, COCAINE RESIDUE, & BOTTOMFEEDER  Attorneys-at-Law To:  Donald J. Trump, POTUS, The White House, America Dude, In the matter of Browett v. Trump you have been found guilty of recklessly and wantonly operating an economy while being totally fucking incompetent to do so, thus causing our client to lose approximately $10563.72 from his superannuation account. You are hereforetowith required to reimburserate our client immediately. Look normally he wouldn't be that fussed but he's buying a little granny-flat and he's got a wife and daughter to support and well you know, the advertising revenue on Alias Poor Yorick isn't what it used to be, so look; Mr Trump, can I call you Don ? Can I call you Donnie ? Donnie Baby ? the thing is you're bloody lucky...