HOW TO START A WAR BEFORE AFTERNOON TEA





You'll need some fanatics. Bunnings has a good selection but if you're shopping on a Friday you'll be wanting to get there early as the best ones are usually taken by sundown. Keep women out of it as they tend to have a moderating and ecumenical approach, which is the last thing you want.
Beards. You want as many beards as possible. Blokes with beards, automatic weapons, and a family history of mental illness going back at least three generations.                                         

Next. Right. You've only got a couple of hours left so get a move on, lickety-split, and pick a fight at the UN in the morning session. Anything'll do. Complain that China's trying to keep you off the Security Council because you've been buying all your catmeat from Taiwan. Lodge a formal motion of censure. Then do a weird long and rambling lunchtime interview claiming that the Koran is a deep fake I mean think about it, what kind of  a loving God would want to see you stuck in Heaven with 77 women, I mean think about it mate, they're only virgins for five minutes and after that you've got 77 girlfriends complaining you never take them anywhere and all wanting to have sex when they get horny just before they get their period & oh yes how pissed off do you reckon they're going to be when they find out they still get periods in Heaven oh man you   are so fucked. Forever.                                                                                                                     
                                                              
Right oh.  Remember I told you to buy up a bunch of old Nokias on eBay and pack them full of 
Semtex ? Good man. You've just got time to pack them up in boxes  marked "Promotional Purpose Only . Made in India" and get some drones to drop them outside the Canadian embassy in Tel Aviv. And if any of you are holding army surplus trebuchets left over from the Crusades, fill 'em up with old fax machines and starting lobbing them at the nearest Kosher restaurant.

 Any questions ?                                                                                                                              


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