HOW TO START A WAR BEFORE AFTERNOON TEA





You'll need some fanatics. Bunnings has a good selection but if you're shopping on a Friday you'll be wanting to get there early as the best ones are usually taken by sundown. Keep women out of it as they tend to have a moderating and ecumenical approach, which is the last thing you want.
Beards. You want as many beards as possible. Blokes with beards, automatic weapons, and a family history of mental illness going back at least three generations.                                         

Next. Right. You've only got a couple of hours left so get a move on, lickety-split, and pick a fight at the UN in the morning session. Anything'll do. Complain that China's trying to keep you off the Security Council because you've been buying all your catmeat from Taiwan. Lodge a formal motion of censure. Then do a weird long and rambling lunchtime interview claiming that the Koran is a deep fake I mean think about it, what kind of  a loving God would want to see you stuck in Heaven with 77 women, I mean think about it mate, they're only virgins for five minutes and after that you've got 77 girlfriends complaining you never take them anywhere and all wanting to have sex when they get horny just before they get their period & oh yes how pissed off do you reckon they're going to be when they find out they still get periods in Heaven oh man you   are so fucked. Forever.                                                                                                                     
                                                              
Right oh.  Remember I told you to buy up a bunch of old Nokias on eBay and pack them full of 
Semtex ? Good man. You've just got time to pack them up in boxes  marked "Promotional Purpose Only . Made in India" and get some drones to drop them outside the Canadian embassy in Tel Aviv. And if any of you are holding army surplus trebuchets left over from the Crusades, fill 'em up with old fax machines and starting lobbing them at the nearest Kosher restaurant.

 Any questions ?                                                                                                                              


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Secret Diary of Gina Rinehart aged 58+3/4

Image
Dear Diary, Exhausted. Just plum tuckered out. People out there don't realise how tiring it is counting money. Especially when you've got as much as I do. And sometimes by the end of the day I've got quite a lot more than when I started, and then I have to count it all over again ! It's really hard ! And then yesterday I was up to 14 billion, 476 million and I got interrupted by a serf and I lost count. Pshaw ! Well of course I had him beheaded. You have to really. Otherwise they don't respect you. And I'm still gasping with shock over finding out about the minimum wage. Gosh gee whizz it's just awful. $606 is far far too much. And then imagine my further shock when I found out you have to pay them this every week !!!!! I thought it was just a one-off payment. We're doomed, I'm telling you this for nothing dear diary. If this sort of wanton behaviour carries on we'll end up with a world ruled by communists, cross-dressers, and giant heroi
Read more

HOW TO GIVE UP SMOKING PART FIVE

Image
You've woken up feeling rested and refreshed. You have picked a great day to give up smoking. Congratulations. This is going rto be a piece of piss. Your lungs are already applauding. You make coffee and open up a copy of your new favourite magazine Bread & Circuses. There is a picture of Donald Trump entering the Republican Convention with God on one side of him and the asst treasurer of the American Nazi Party on the other. God is not pictured but obviously he's there. To look after Mr Trump. This is not good. Maybe you've picked a bad day to give up smoking. You turn on ABC Breakfast Television where they are promising to cut to their new American correspondent. It is Elmo from Sesame Street. ?You have picked a truly terrible day to give up smoking, but you're off to meet up with a bunch of friends for coffee and you've stupidly commited to giving up smoking today. You put on three pairs of sunglasses so you can do Lloyd Bridges in Flying High going "loo
Read more

I AM ENIGMATIC & DIAPHANOUS

Image
  GOD AND UNNAMED ASSISTANT FIGURE  OUT WHERE IN YOUR FAVOURITE PARK TO PUT THE DOG SHIT Hello, God here. Yes. Again. You all know I like to keep these personal appearances to a minimum, but people keep calling. And yes I am omniscient so I should know better but the thing is I have no spam filter and when five fifteen yr old girls on the beach start screaming omigod omigod into their iPhones I immediately think they're having some sort of deep spiritual crisis which demands my presence or at least some sort of a sign and then I find that no, it's merely that One Direction are in town and have added a second concert or that Justin Bieber has discovered a third pubic hair and named it Ulysses. None of which has anything to do with me. You can trust me on that one. I'm not one to point the finger but that stuff is pretty much the work of the Horned One.  I am far too busy being enigmatic and diaphanous. Except on Tuesday afternoons when I make a special effort to be
Read more