EASTER EXPLAINED

Why, I hear you exclaim ever so faintly, explain Easter now when it's been over for two weeks ?  Three Weeks? Nearly four ? Seriously  ? How long have I been trying to write this fucking thing? Let me explain. As many of you will know by now, a lot of our staff here at ALIAS POOR YORICK have religious objections to observing any sort of deadlines. Religious Affairs Editor, Elvis MacGregor Cohen ll ( pictured above) is no exception. To compound our difficulties Mr Cohen has been drifting in and out of a diabetic coma for the past fortnight after eating four hundred & twenty-seven Lindt Chilli Chocolate Easter eggs and we've only just managed to wrest this bit of deathless prose from his almost lifeless fingers ......

Have you ever found yourself asking why Jesus had to go and get himself crucified right at the beginning of our biggest and best public holiday ?  I mean what was God thinking ? What is Easter about anyway, and how come it never gets a mention in the bible ?  Is it possible then there is no such thing as Easter, God does not exist, and all of you who think he does are really dumb?  We are indebted to the Richard Dawkins' Big Bossy Blog of Science for this masterful bit of rational thinking. Back to the factoids.

It's time to get to the bottom of this whole Easter mystery. The resurrection. The rabbit. The eggs. The ferrets. In fact pretty much every mystifying detail about Easter and its celebration can be laid at the feet of Irish Catholic alcoholics and ferrets, Somewhere between crucifixion and chocolate came the Easter Ferret.

It may surprise you to know that the very first "Easter Rabbit" was in fact an Easter Ferret who wandered into Jesus' empty tomb, was concerned that folks might be worried to find the body missing, and so filled filled the cave with Easter eggs as a bit of a distraction. None of the four gospels record a reaction to this, however it should be pointed out that "Doubting" Thomas got his nickname not because he expressed doubts about the risen Jesus, but about their chances of establishing Christianity as a global force while hampered by Type-2 Diabetes. This may account for the official silence on the tomb-full-of-easter-eggs.

Back to the drunken Irish. Maundy Thursday ? Yes, the Thursday before Easter. Not a public holiday. What does it mean ? Well it simply comes from Irish alcoholics crying Monday Monday ( Maundy Maundy) on the Thursday before the long weekend in a vain attempt to control their drinking by reminding themselves what a shocking state they're going to be in after four days on the piss. This is absolutely true. You can check it on Wikipedia. Now.

Good Friday. Many of us think this should be called Intense Difficult & Challenging Friday, which may be why comedy writers are rarely put in charge of religious observances and the naming thereof.

Which brings us to "Easter". Where did we get this name ? Does it derive from Oestre, or perhaps Ishtar, the Mesopotamian goddess of fertility, love, war, and sex ?  I know if I was after naming a public holiday I'd go with something that evokes fertility, love, war, and sex. Just the stuff for an extra long weekend. Or is it that Ishtar is exactly how "Easter" sounds when pronounced by a drunken Irish person? Is it not more likely that Ishtar was named after Easter rather than the other way round ? You be the judge.

Many say that Easter was stolen from the Pagans. This is a lie. Easter was in fact bought from the Druids by the Council of Nicaea in 325 AD. This is true, It says so in Wikipedia. Wikipedia fails to note that "Easter" as a commercial entity was sold back to a secret cabal of pagans in 1951 and Nestle denies all involvement. Well they would, wouldn't they ?

Back to the eggs. Is Easter really about pagan fertility rites? Easter. Oestre. Estrogen. Ah estrogen, is that what it's all about? So, when diminutive rock star Prince, in his song "Kiss", sings I just want your estrogen and your kiss, is he really saying I just want your easter egg and your kiss ? I doubt it. I think he's saying I am a rock star who can do the splits while wearing high-heeled boots and I want to have sex with every woman in the known universe. Before lunch. Excuse me ? What ? He isn't singing 'estrogen' it's 'extra time' ? Are you sure? No, really. I mean 'estrogen' is much better. What is 'extra time' anyway ? I think he should change the lyrics. Estrogen is much much better. Please stop bothering me with actual facts. Next you'll be telling me that hot-cross buns do not in fact represent pagan rituals from Scandinavia where willing virgins are tied to mounds of flour, sprinkled lightly with cinnamon and then deflowered by druid priests imported from Putney for the weekend. What ??
I've believed a lie all these years ? I should have know better than to trust Wikipedia again. I need to be reminded that Wikipedia is edited largely by unemployed bass guitarists and embittered comedy writer competitors with nothing better to do than edit my Wikipedia entry and repeatedly delete my claim to have a PhD in Metaphysical Satire. Back to the delirium.

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It is a little known fact that Adolph Hitler auditioned, unsuccessfully, to be Germany's official Easter Bunny in 1929. He did not take this defeat lightly. We can only imagine what a different world it would have been had he been Herr OsterHase 1929.