THE WAR ON DRUGS
The President is sitting at his desk in the Oval Office, nibbling on unicorn-liver pate and quince jam while effortlessly completing the Times Cryptic Crossword and occasionally picking at his teeth with a gold toothpick. His 23 year old Chief of Staff, Jeremy, is brushing down the familiar lumpen blue suit, too-long red tie, and orange fright wig poking out of the breast pocket. He is holding the outfit out at arms length, his disgust evident.a
JEREMY I wish you didn't have to wear this.. this clownish costume, sire, God it's awful
TRUMP It is truly fucking awful. That's why I gotta wear it. The people they see me wearing that and they think He is one of us. We can trust him. Tell you what Jeremy old bean. I turn up in Armani, this White House is fucked.
JEREMY You are, my liege, in all things, wise & witty & just generally wonderful
TRUMP Aw shucks young Jeremy, yaw'll be giving me a swelled head iffin you keep talking that
THEY LAUGH. OH HOW THEY LAUGH.
TRUMP: I say Jeremy
JEREMY: Yes, Sire
TRUMP: The War on Drugs. We won that one, right ?
JEREMY; Ah .. not exactly sire
TRUMP; Did Biden fuck it up ?
JEREMY; Ah .. not exactly sire
TRUMP: Was it Obama. Tell me it was Obama. Obama fucked it up, right ? Oh go on, tell me
JEREMY; Not exactly oh exalted and perspicacious one
TRUMP; Well what, oh 2nd Chief of Staff in 2 months and still on probation ?
JEREMY; Sire. Your most Revered Regalness in this and all other worlds. It fucked itself. Actually it was fucked from the start. It was a deeply flawed concept.
TRUMP; Like democracy ?
JEREMY; Oh worse than that Your Potency.
TRUMP; You mean that essentially it's not even a concept, but a muddled metaphor with an epigrammatic sheen giving it unearned philosophical impact and disguising the fact that it's a nonsense, a dangerous nonsense, no more than geo-political sleight of hand
JEREMY; Have you been at the Adderal Your Highness ?
TRUMP: Lies damn you sir. Thou doest befoul the very last molecule of the air with this misinformation most malevolent. Maybe two. Three at most. I was very tired. I didn't get a nap
JEREMY; And yet you expect to win the War on Drugs
TRUMP; But Jeremy, I am no ordinary man. I can do things other men can but dream of.
JEREMY; Ah sigh. Please tell me oh great Guruness. How will you win the war on Drugs ? How will
TRUMP; Tariffs.
JEREMY; Tariffs ??
TRUMP; Tariffs Jeremy. Tariffs Tariffs Tariffs. The great universal secret available to all yet understood by only a special few.
JEREMY; Are you a special few, Your Ineffable Uniqueness ?
TRUMP; I am, young Jeremy. I am blessed. I have the wisdom and the humility to understand this fabulous gift bestowed on me by the Almighty. You could say I was on a mission from God.
JEREMY; There are many things I could say, Your Inestimable Obtuseness.
TRUMP; They teach you all those fancy words at Harvard ?
JEREMY; Yes my Liege. I did a Masters in Big Words
TRUMP; That's really extensively terrific Jess. But did they teach you about the magic power of Tariff ? Tariff is the answer to everything.
JEREMY; Tariff ? It's not even a good punchline.
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