THE WAR ON DRUGS





LT COLONEL WARBURTON SMYTHE-SMYTHE, SPECIAL UNDERCOVER ENVOY APPOINTED BY UN SECURITY COUNCIL TO TALK SOME SENSE INTO THESE KIDS

 



The President is sitting at his desk in the Oval Office, nibbling on unicorn-liver pate and quince jam while effortlessly completing the Times Cryptic Crossword and occasionally picking at his teeth with a gold toothpick. His 23 year old Chief of Staff, Jeremy, is brushing down the familiar lumpen blue suit, too-long red tie, and orange fright wig poking out of the breast pocket. He is holding the outfit out at arms length, his disgust evident.a

JEREMY  I wish you didn't have to wear this.. this clownish costume, sire, God it's awful

TRUMP     It is truly fucking awful. That's why I gotta wear it. The people they see me wearing that and they think He is one of us. We can trust him. Tell you what Jeremy old bean. I turn up in Armani, this White House is fucked. 

JEREMY   You are, my liege, in all things, wise & witty & just generally wonderful 

TRUMP   Aw shucks young Jeremy, yaw'll be giving me a swelled head iffin you keep talking that

THEY LAUGH. OH HOW THEY LAUGH.

TRUMP:  I say Jeremy

JEREMY: Yes, Sire

TRUMP:   The War on Drugs. We won that one, right ?

JEREMY;   Ah .. not exactly sire

TRUMP;    Did Biden fuck it up ?

JEREMY;   Ah .. not exactly sire

TRUMP:     Was it Obama. Tell me it was Obama. Obama fucked it up, right ? Oh go on, tell me  

JEREMY;     Not exactly oh exalted and perspicacious one

TRUMP;       Well what, oh 2nd Chief  of Staff in 2 months and still on probation ?

JEREMY;       Sire. Your most Revered Regalness  in this and all other worlds. It fucked itself. Actually it was fucked from the start. It was a deeply flawed concept.

TRUMP;          Like democracy ?

JEREMY;         Oh worse than that Your Potency. 

TRUMP;            You mean that essentially it's not even a concept, but a muddled metaphor with                        an epigrammatic sheen giving it unearned philosophical impact and disguising the fact  that it's a nonsense,  a dangerous nonsense, no more than geo-political sleight of hand

JEREMY;      Have you been at the Adderal Your Highness  ?

TRUMP:        Lies damn you sir.  Thou doest befoul the very last molecule of the air with this                                misinformation most malevolent. Maybe two. Three at most. I was very tired. I                              didn't get a nap 

JEREMY;        And yet you expect to win the War on Drugs 

TRUMP;        But Jeremy, I am no ordinary man. I can do things other men can but dream of. 

JEREMY;      Ah sigh. Please tell me oh great Guruness. How will you win the war on Drugs ?  How will                         

TRUMP;   Tariffs.

JEREMY;   Tariffs ??

TRUMP;     Tariffs Jeremy. Tariffs Tariffs Tariffs. The great universal secret available to all yet understood by only a special few. 

JEREMY;     Are you a special few, Your Ineffable Uniqueness ?

TRUMP;       I am, young Jeremy. I am blessed. I have the wisdom and the humility to understand this fabulous gift bestowed on me by the Almighty. You could say I was on a mission from God.

JEREMY;      There are many things I could say, Your Inestimable Obtuseness. 

TRUMP;        They teach you all those fancy words at Harvard ?

JEREMY;        Yes my Liege. I did a Masters in Big Words

TRUMP;          That's really extensively terrific Jess. But did they teach you about the magic power of  Tariff ? Tariff is the answer to everything. 

JEREMY;          Tariff ?  It's not even a good punchline.





  


                      

                                

                           


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