MY DAY ON A PLATE (Part One)

LORD PEMBERTON SMYTHE-MACGREGOR PhD

And yes, that is my great grandfather, a lifelong advocate of the benefits of curating diet and exercise in order to thoroughly interrogate major contentions of philosophical enquiry. 

He attended Edinburgh University for half a decade without enrolling or paying fees. He submitted a doctor al thesis on "The Haggis; Political oppression or Cultural Embezzlement by the Fucking English Who Else, They Really Are Bastards, along with an IOU for seven years of fees, payable (next Tuesday when ma benefits re paid ) He was awarded his doctorate in 1908 and had great success when the thesis was published for the general public as "Haggis. WTF". He became rich, famous, and vigorously pursued by the Tax dept. In 1913, with the war in sight and the sky full of  looming cliches, he took a job as Ship's Philosopher on the SS Noel Coward and sailed for NZ, where, in 1954, he became my great grandfather. He was a bit dead by this time but that didn't stop him from doing a bang up job. He diligent to a fault. Advice to my parents came through Mediums, fortune-tellers, and the personal columns of our local paper " don't let him have coffee until he's two and a half" "I know I know he's only nine months, but a little medicinal brandy never hurt anyone"  & " What do you mean you haven't started teaching him Latin and Greek ?  He's four. Time's a-wasting '  ( would come on a crumpled par avian envelope from Mrs McPherson who managed the Post Office by day & a tidy little Ouija Board Game in the evening) I think Mum found it all a bit rough going ,but it's so hard to argue with the dead " Dad" she'd plead "Whatever happened to Rest in Peace ? Time to enjoy that Eternal Rest and leave us the fuck alone "  He'd never reply. Crafty old bastard.  

                                                             

But I digress. Which is, btw, the title of my second book. The first "Neuro-Divergence is the New Black" sold a bomb and lead to a series of twenty self-help manuals designed to show you, a fellow sufferer, exactly how you can use neuro-divergence to bang on as long as want and make lots of money while putting yourself in a position where it's almost impossible to criticise you. This is all strictly in confidence by the way. Keep the cat in the bag all that sort of thing.  What happens on the Spectrum stays on the Spectrum. So look anyway it's probably a bit late to start this actual Day on a Plate & I had hoped to get the bathroom painted before my Spanish lesson so why don't we leave that for another day. Get a good early start, do it right ? Yes ? Excellent.