MY DAY ON A PLATE ( PART 2)
Well that, my friend, is where you are wrong. Here at ALIAS POOR YORICK we take diet, dietary-focused philosophical schools, and auxiliary concerns very seriously as part of a new holistic approach to the sometimes brutal business of satire, comedy, and general funniness. Steve Martin once remarked that "Comedy is not pretty" & a former literary associate of mine, Bob Leamen (RIP) often advised me "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke" Bob also advised against involving food in a long boozy lunch, quoting an editor of his when he was younger "Never spoil a $5 drunk with a $2 meal" This beer-for-breakfast swashbuckling approach to diet may be why Bob is not currently drawing an aged pension in his native Canada. I think there's a lesson here.
Medical issues in my own life have caused a major rethink to my approach to food, and so when our staff Wellness Director, Grypthorn Kennedy Jr PhD, asked me to contribute this piece to the Staff Magazine, I was only to happy to join the fray. Oh sure, I'm an important man with significant and valuable things to do, but I put my pants on one leg at a time, just like the rest of you ( Obviously I'm an incredibly busy man and I have people who put my trousers on for me, but I checked with lead butler Templestowe, and he assures me my pants are in fact put on one leg at a time) So. Health. So important.
Last year I was diagnosed with Type 3 Diabetes. It's rare, tricky to diagnose, and widely misunderstood. Suffice to say if you've ever had cheese and chocolate and chips for breakfast, then wondered what wine to drink with that, you may be a candidate. At around the same time I was diagnosed as having Borderline Entitled Person's Dietary Syndrome. Again, tricky to diagnose, but can basically lead to irrational demands to be served popcorn and Red Bull for dinner, instead of the home-made minestrone your partner has slaved over. Clearly I needed a rethink, a reset in the diet area, and a bit of attempt to "start acting like a fucking adult", as my doctor of many years, Dr Patient ( his real name I swear) so gently put it. Now I always like to try something new, so I took his advice and I've been having a crack at being a grown-up, at least in the food and beverage area. Here's my average Day on a Plate
BREAKFAST is about coffee. Lots of coffee. The solid food's really just there to absorb the impact of five or six double espressos and stop the body from going in to cardiac shock.
When I started this health kick I read a few of these Day on a Plate things looking for tips & bloody hell people are keen, aren't they ? I tried a couple of times to have a crack at water with added hydrogen & the juice of a lemon grown within sight of Machu Picchu along with six blanched almonds that have been thoroughly interrogated about their intentions & wholemeal ancient grains toast spread with Palestine-friendly avocadoes, but I just couldn't keep a straight face. This morning I opted fort 250grams of venison, rare with five or six kiwifruit & a bit of vegemite on toast. I love venision but I can't eat it every day without getting these weird side-effects where I laugh theatrically and leap out of trees demanding money from rich people so I can ransom our true king, Richard the Lionheart, currently in Saracen hands
LUNCH At least once a week, in an effort to at least pretend I care, I have lunch with the whole staff. We mingle, we put aside rank and rancour, and eat together as equals. Every second week we make good on our commitment to the planet by refraining from eating the flesh of endangered species, and I have to say I feel good inside, soul deep.
And onto Deserts. Yes, I still smoke. Tobacco is one of the lesser examined food groups & indeed there are some who would argue tobacco isn't even a food. They are wrong. Besides it's just the odd cigarette here and there. Two with coffee at breakfast, Two or three with coffee after lunch, and a half a pack of Winfield Red every time I think about giving up smoking & come out in a cold sweat. Oh shut up, leave me alone, I'm giving up as soon as the stock market recovers.
AFTERNOON TEA. Oh please. Fuck off with this post-colonial bullshit and let me smoke my cigar in peace .. Oh I'm sorry, did I say that out loud ?... Afternoon tea. I can't see the point really. I don't even drink tea. I had a cup of tea once and it didn't taste like coffee so I've never bothered since So really I don't bother; unless you get stuck visiting a sick relative. Or Charles drops in doing one of his "I may be King but I need to mingle with commoners" bits & he drags me out to some fucking twee teahouse in the Dandenongs called Ye Olde Tee Shoppe where you can play mini-golf & eat cucumber sandwiches and date scones, and it's always come on Jeffrey old bean, it'll be fun, I'll ditch the security chappies and well go have tea, It'll be fun just the two of us. Why I gave him my private number I'll never know, but it must have been when I was still drinking. I have vague memories of drinking Elephant beer & grappa jelly shots at some Save the Universe thing Sting dragged me along to.... the Prince was pissing himself over some joke .. oh yeah .. that's right. Let that be a lesson to you boys and girls. Never Drink and Tell the "Fuck me, a talking dog" joke in the presence of a member of the British Royal Family.
DINNER is a family affair, and in these fractured ,difficult times its important to maximise the bonding opportunities offered by mealtimes. It's a bit special for us right now because all three of the kids, Arpeggio, Archimedes, and Hypotenuse are out of rehab at the same so as you might imagine, there's a lot of gorgeous fresh sobriety at our place, and the family that eats together stays together. Which is why Evita and I insist on treating dinner as a sacred occasion. We come to the table all at the same time and sit in silent meditation for ten minutes or so, before enjoying a feast of organic foraged nuts and berries, fruits and vegetables, and a small amount of meat provided by animals near the end of their years who have agreed to assisted suicide in an attempt to add meaning and purpose to their lives. With no tv, no phones, no knives and a ban on discussion of bitcoin futures, the atmosphere positively reeks of serenity, warmth, and harmony. Which is why there's always a fair chance I'll talk my driver into faking a breakdown on the way home, just outside Meat is Murder (my favourite burger joint) where tonight I enjoyed a classic beef and bacon burger, chilli fries and small green salad. A well-balanced meal. It's all about balance. And bacon.
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