APOLOGIES CONFESSIONS & EXCUSES
APOLOGY HELMET
I'm sorry. We're all sorry. Traditionally ALIAS POOR YORICK publishes several apologies each year. Good apologies. Well-written apologies for badly written posts. Apologies for the lack of posts. We have prided ourselves on our apologies, and now I must apologise for the complete lack of apologies in the calendar year so far. I'm sorry. We're all sorry. Not even a traditional apology for things we've had nothing to do with, like the Boer War. A silly war. One of those daft bullshit conflicts which inevitably occur when you have an empire stretched so far across the globe that you've run out of pink paint and start blaming the natives for your own administrative inadequacies. Yes Britain I'm talking to you, stop trying to hide down the back of the room and pretending that Baden-Powell and the Boy Scouts weren't your fault. I mean there's that prize dufus Baden-Powell sent out to scout the Veldts and come to the inevitable conclusion that they're flat and dry and bloody enormous. Leaves a man at a loose end and he winds up looking around at the bloodshed and cruelty and pointlessness of it all & he concludes this would make a grand game for boys aged 11 to 15. Because he's sitting up a tree, bored, and batshit crazy. Something people should have noticed on reading "Scouting for Boys". 93 pages of demonstrable insanity. (Nip out now and grab a copy. It's a quick read. We'll have a cup of tea) See what I mean ? Fucking bonkers.
I'm sorry. We're all sorry. Traditionally ALIAS POOR YORICK publishes several apologies each year. Good apologies. Well-written apologies for badly written posts. Apologies for the lack of posts. We have prided ourselves on our apologies, and now I must apologise for the complete lack of apologies in the calendar year so far. I'm sorry. We're all sorry. Not even a traditional apology for things we've had nothing to do with, like the Boer War. A silly war. One of those daft bullshit conflicts which inevitably occur when you have an empire stretched so far across the globe that you've run out of pink paint and start blaming the natives for your own administrative inadequacies. Yes Britain I'm talking to you, stop trying to hide down the back of the room and pretending that Baden-Powell and the Boy Scouts weren't your fault. I mean there's that prize dufus Baden-Powell sent out to scout the Veldts and come to the inevitable conclusion that they're flat and dry and bloody enormous. Leaves a man at a loose end and he winds up looking around at the bloodshed and cruelty and pointlessness of it all & he concludes this would make a grand game for boys aged 11 to 15. Because he's sitting up a tree, bored, and batshit crazy. Something people should have noticed on reading "Scouting for Boys". 93 pages of demonstrable insanity. (Nip out now and grab a copy. It's a quick read. We'll have a cup of tea) See what I mean ? Fucking bonkers.
Anyway. Sorry about the British. And the Boer War. And Lord Baden-Powell. Not our fault of course, but I just felt someone should say something.
What else. Oh yeah, sorry about the typos in the last blogpost, the Easter one. Sorry. I got distracted by Niina asking me to check her Euclidean geometry homework. I mean she's three for f---sake, she should be able to do it by herself, she knows I'm no good at maths. Little tyke.
Anyway, we're really sorry about everything.
Particularly Trump. Now of course none of the editorial staff here can in any way be held responsible for POTUS Trump, but we just feel someone should apologise for him. Loudly and often. The 63,672,763 Americans who voted for him are clearly criminally insane and unlikely to see any reason to apologise, so the burden falls on us. So sorry. We are really unbelievably sorry about Donald J. Trump, and we'll try to think of a way to make it up to you. Promise.
Finally. A confession. I have, in some small way, been responsible for some of the high-octane batshit craziness spewing forth from the Trumpian White House. I wrote a few jokes for him, now don't be like that they were paying silly money and, well, advertising revenue from Alias Poor Yorick is down and my carefully curated boutique bitcoin empire is under attack after I invested in a start-up, a guaranteed Unicorn. Turns out it wasn't a Unicorn, it was a Zebra and not even a kosher Zebra, it was a bloody painted donkey, so when Bannon started waving around major currency I thought where's the harm, really. Anyway. Buying Greenland ? That was mine. I wrote that. Invading Canada ? Inviting them to be the 52nd State ? Mine. I thought it was all pretty funny stuff. Panama Canal ? Me too. I mean anyone could see that wanting that back is obviously a joke. And he loved my stuff. So much he turned it into Foreign Policy. Who the fuck could see that coming ? So look folks, I feel pretty stupid about the whole thing & I'm really really sorry. I'll find a way to make it up to you. Promise.
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