WISH LIST

              I'm a man of small ambitions:

I'd like to see a Persian carpet shop have a 'closing down' sale, and then actually close.

I'd like to see America admit that the real reason it's in Afghanistan is because "it looked funny at them" in the pub.

I'd like to see the PM, faced with an awkward question during a TV interview, just go "Look ! A giraffe !" and run away

Friends, work with me;  we can make this happen. Legislation. Whatever it takes. Let's make ourselves a promise that by 2020 no child need ever have to say "That's my Dad over there. The white guy with dreadlocks"

I want a t-shirt that reads "Fountaingate: where the weak are killed and eaten"

I want to see music writers required to sign an agreement that they will never refer to a band as having "visceral intensity" when what they mean is the band plays really f-----g loud.

I'd like to see increased respect for the career hyphenate writer/motivational speaker/driving instructor.

I want a job writing only the first sentence of novels, like ......  "That night, over apologies and angel-hair pasta, Deathmask Swinefever knew he'd bitten the head off his last dove" .... So here's the deal - you send me a small royalty, say a dollar, and go ahead and write your own personal version. And let me know how you get on - I've grown fond of young Deathmask. He's the son I'm glad I never had. Okay I know I sound lazy, just make it fifty cents. After all it is my idea. No me - no Deathmask Swinefever. In an ideal world that argument would sound more compelling.

And I'm sure we can all agree it's time that God got over himself and stopped thinking of himself as Bono.

Last, but by no means least. Where's my flying car ?? Come on guys, we were promised. We watched it on TV, we read the sci-fi, went to the Future Exhibitions. Well it's 2011. The future's here. Go on. Where's my flying car ??