TOTAL TRUTHS
And we would like to remind you that all comedy in ALIAS POOR YORICK is Artisan comedy. Nothing mass-produced, nothing artificial, and never tested on animals. Free from lactose, gluten, and jokes about Paris Hilton, this Blogue is written entirely under natural light by resentment-free writers living in mud brick houses near a babbling brook in the Dandenongs. They are in essence free-range writers, many of whom have never known the pain of watching or writing for 'Two & a Half Men'.
We were fortunate over the holiday season to be visited by Zen master and Pan-Pacific Tap-Dancing champion, Elvis Macgregor Cohen II, who was able to take us through a number of guided meditations. The aim of these is to uncover and embrace the Ten Absolute Truths. We are honoured to share these with you:
1. Forty percent of all the barmy people in the world retire to live in Beaumaris, where they write letters to the Editor. TV & Radio are favoured topics.
2. Even when you have the prerequisite number of items, it is not always quickest to go to the 10 Items-or-less aisle, particularly on a Sunday. Look carefully at the other checkouts.
3. In the Kingdom of the Blind, a man with a white stick and a working knowledge of braille is a good chance to hold the deciding vote in the Senate.
4. If you live in high density inner-city accommodation a camel is a poor choice of pet.
5. A stitch in time is pretty much what your string-theory physicists are counting on
6. Bungee-jumping was invented by New Zealanders as a joke at the expense of Australians and other gullible foreign tourists, none of whom has ever got the joke. No Kiwi has ever bungee-jumped. It's just a dumb thing to do.
7. You cannot change your height by deed poll
8. Although the title "King of the Jungle" is a misnomer, it is unwise to point this out to a lion. Lions are notoriously short-tempered, and besides, no-one likes a smart-ass.
9. And this is probably the most important truth of all: If you say you're going to give a list of ten things like oh I dunno 'ten absolute truths' or ten jokes about agapanthus or whatever, make sure you actually have ten otherwise you get to nine and you realise you're buggered and you flail around pretending it's a joke and you meant it all along but it's really just a bloody embarrassment and you don't know how to finish and you just crap on ....
We were fortunate over the holiday season to be visited by Zen master and Pan-Pacific Tap-Dancing champion, Elvis Macgregor Cohen II, who was able to take us through a number of guided meditations. The aim of these is to uncover and embrace the Ten Absolute Truths. We are honoured to share these with you:
1. Forty percent of all the barmy people in the world retire to live in Beaumaris, where they write letters to the Editor. TV & Radio are favoured topics.
2. Even when you have the prerequisite number of items, it is not always quickest to go to the 10 Items-or-less aisle, particularly on a Sunday. Look carefully at the other checkouts.
3. In the Kingdom of the Blind, a man with a white stick and a working knowledge of braille is a good chance to hold the deciding vote in the Senate.
4. If you live in high density inner-city accommodation a camel is a poor choice of pet.
5. A stitch in time is pretty much what your string-theory physicists are counting on
6. Bungee-jumping was invented by New Zealanders as a joke at the expense of Australians and other gullible foreign tourists, none of whom has ever got the joke. No Kiwi has ever bungee-jumped. It's just a dumb thing to do.
7. You cannot change your height by deed poll
8. Although the title "King of the Jungle" is a misnomer, it is unwise to point this out to a lion. Lions are notoriously short-tempered, and besides, no-one likes a smart-ass.
9. And this is probably the most important truth of all: If you say you're going to give a list of ten things like oh I dunno 'ten absolute truths' or ten jokes about agapanthus or whatever, make sure you actually have ten otherwise you get to nine and you realise you're buggered and you flail around pretending it's a joke and you meant it all along but it's really just a bloody embarrassment and you don't know how to finish and you just crap on ....
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