HOW TO DRIVE

 

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First you're going to need a vehicle of some sort. Oh I know there are schools of magical thinking which insist that you don't need a physical manifestation of a "car" in order to drive, but you'll need something & if it makes you feel better to buy a pre-manifested Chery with that bitcoin you paid too much for, then hey - knock yourself out

I'm sorry, I've been talking with Grimes on Messenger and she always gets me a bit over-revved. Back to the basics. Vehicles. If you're new at this caper I'd recommend a car. Motorcycles and military trucks can be a bit of a handful for the learner.  Scooters are suitable only for the terminally cool and the criminally insane. They are a death wish on two wheels. 

If you're looking for the easy option then buy or steal a Mercedes. You get yourself one of those and you can pretty much do whatever you like, especially if you get one of the small ones, you know the ones that look like a normal car until it passes you on the inside at about 150kph up the 40kph part of High St. Any High St anywhere in the world. Now you might not currently be cashed up enough to buy a Benz. This means you're going to have to steal it, which can be tricky. Don't worry too much about all those hi-tech devices: I shared a room in a medium-security rehab facility a few years back with an affable car thief-junkie-buddhist who assured me the best thing to use to  break into a high-end automobile was "a brick" 

A word about alarm systems and top end German cars. They're a bugger and there's not much you can do except try for a very fast getaway. Still, you've got the car for it. I was once driving around Sydney with an ex-sister-in-law who had a top-of-the-line BMW convertible. Top down all the time. Because Sydney. As we parked I mused aloud about bothering with an alarm in a convertible. Ah hah. No ordinary alarm. If the car is touched it sets off The Ride of the Valkeries and an angry entitled Karen voice going " Get your hands off my fucking car you fucking oik"

So that's about it. If you have a proper grown up car you may benefit from a few lessons from an accredited professional, otherwise just head out onto the streets and roll down your window - the world is full of driving instructors. So look, driving's great, have fun with it. Play around. Try out different stuff. You'll get the hang of it pretty quickly. And if you get confused remember the wise words of Niina, my on board driving supervisor -" red means stop. green means go. it's green. go. brm brm"