VLAD THE INHALER





.... Rupert ? Put Mummy on the phone, yes, get Mummy. No you can't call me Vlad, I'm your father ... well I don't care if you are six years old now ... Get Mummy .. okay, put Arpeggio on ... Arpeggio ? It's your father ... NO YOU CAN'T CALL ME VLAD I'M YOUR FATHER AND I DON'T CARE HOW OLD YOU ARE .. I'LL USE MY OUTDOORS VOICE ... I'll use my outdoor voice if I want to, I'm your father .. okay .. what .. okay we're on speaker. What's that noise ? Rupert put down Daddy's inhaler put down the inhaler. You know the rules, no taking drugs that are prescribed for other family members. Last time you took Daddy's Ventolin you had seventeen puffs and started talking in German and ranting about Lebensraum and invading Czechoslovakia. Where did you learn German anyway, you were only three at the time? Where's your mother ? ... what do you mean she's in the kitchen practising tantric cooking ? There's no such thing as tantric cooking, what happens? You f--k around in the kitchen for four hours and dinner never comes ? ..... yes I'm sorry about the language but I said it with two dashes in it so you wouldn't know what I meant really. You did know what I meant really ? F--- it. Anyway what's your mother on about it. Tantric this tantric that. She's obsessed with Sting that's what it is. Man's got great pecs but I reckon his penis would've shrunk from all that meditating . She what Arpeggio ? Mum said that's the sort of small-minded insecure male phallocentric crap she'd expect from me ? How can you even remember that, you're only eight ????? ... Rupert ! RUPERT ! Put down Daddy's Balinese ceremonial bong. Put it down, darling. It's very precious. Well that's part of the ceremony Rupert ... setting fire to it. Yes I know Rupert, Mummy and I have a lot of ceremonies. Yes it is almost a religion with us.... NO ARPEGGIO WE ARE NOT ADDICTED TO THE CEREMONIAL BONG. SHUT UP AND PUT THE BONG DOWN. YOU BREAK THAT BONG AND I'LL SELL YOUR SPARE KIDNEY ON E-BAY !!! I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
... no Arpeggio I don't think I need to go to Anger Management classes ... yes I'm sure, no I don't think you need to enroll in a twelve-step programme to overcome your obsession with Justin Bieber. In a few years you'll go through puberty and start being attracted to members of the opposite sex..... what ? don't cry Arpeggio. I didn't mean to be mean about Justin Bieber. I know he's a real man. Whatever you say darling

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