* Results may vary : The First Debate

                                                                                 

In which Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull(Above Left) defended the banks and real estate agents and Opposition Leader Bill Shorten(Above Right) told bemused punters that anyone who tells you that money doesn't matter in education is selling you a pig and a pope. At least according to Sky News. Because proof-reading is for sissies. And sub-editing is for the weak and unadventurous. Besides, the punters were there for the free beer & barbecue-shapes and by eight o'clock you could have told them the banks are not a criminally rapacious oligarchy and got away with it. Oh wait. Malcolm tried. He didn't.

So how did it play out, this great debate, this first bloody gladiatorial clash of the 2016 Election Campaign ? Well.

It was held in a bar. Just saying. One of the highlights was the debate being interrupted by the PA announcement: "67. Your chicken Parma is ready. Number 67. Chicken Parma". A momentarily confused Bill Shorten tried to address this question and told the audience he was deeply sympathetic to the plight of all Chicken Parmas and vowed his government would take immediate action.

There were a number of truly authentic Australians in evidence. There were Hi Vis work-shirts. There was beer. There was a colourful local identity who told the thronged reporters he didn't give a fuck about the debate, he was there for the meat-tray raffle.

And Malcolm Turnbull said there was no question the Big Banks needed to examine their ethics and their connection with the people at a grassroots level "I gave them I jolly good ticking off, don't you worry about that, about being out of touch with you common people with your common problems. I mean really by Jove I really gave it to them. And you know what, several of them actually promised me they'd think seriously about what I'd had to say". There was laughter. Malcolm looked confused and a little hurt.

Bill Shorten went on to explain his government would do many many really good things about everything, some of which he may be able to explain further later on. Possibly on another occasion.
Then he made Malcolm cry by comparing banks to criminals, and further upset the PM by deriding his claims that Real Estate Agents were deeply and grievously misunderstood and just need a hug.

Some smart-ass asked a really complicated question about the ramifications of structural changes to the EU. This confused both men and Bill shorten said on balance he'd rather have the Lobster Mornay. The Prime Minister nodded agreement.

Asked what they thought about Jon Snow's resurrection in Game of Thrones, both men expressed deep dissatisfaction with what they saw as sloppy and unsound narrative techniques and Malcolm said he remembered with great pain when Dallas brought Bobby back to life. There he was, in the shower, alive, just like it had never happened and without explanation. I felt lost. Confused. I just didn't know where I was. I don't mind telling you I needed some therapy, and I don't want to see that happening to another generation of television viewers who need and want narrative consistency and the emotional stability which that affords. Bill Shorten vowed that his government would take immediate action to force Game of thrones into more responsible story-telling.

& the envelope please:      


 *42% thought Bill Shorten should be PM

 *29% thought Malcolm should be PM

 *28% thought that Eurovision Runner-up Dami Im should be PM after her gorgeous rendition of "Sound of Silence" which should have won and she was bloody well robbed by those bastard colluding European cheats well when I say European I really mean Ukrainian you swine. You robbed us.

*1% thought Len should have won the meat-tray.

Here is a picture of Labour Party heavyweight Anthony Albanese running for some sort of public office