* Results may vary: Day 53 oh alright Day 52

                                                                                 


* Yes it's me, your editor-in-chief, taking over the reins to get this job done. A thousand apologies for that cock-up of a column from our intern. I guess it's true what they say - if you pay peanuts, you get people who eat the peanuts & then succumb to their nut allergies instead of working. So I'm taking over personally and I'll have you know I've dragged myself away from a killer winning streak at bitcoin blackjack just to be here. On with the blunt instrument trauma satire....

                     
                           
 *  PM Turnbull breakfasted on truffles and Chateau Zut Alors before jetting off to Queensland after hearing there were people up there who did not like him and would not be voting for him. Oh dear, he said to an adviser, perhaps if  I asked them nicely ? His advisers agreed this was a brilliant strategy.

* Opposition Leader Bill Shorten checked the Melbourne weather forecast before deciding that he too needed to fly working-class to Queensland to campaign in the crucial seats of Pretty Much All of Queensland and maybe pick up a cheap dinosaur or two at Clive Palmer's garage sale

* Assistant Director at the Speechwriter-General's office, Jobsan Growth, said he welcomed the fact that clearly at this stage there was on the table the opportunity to introduce a narrative into the conversation we need to have as this campaign unfolds.

* Comedy Crowdfunding appeal. 52 days to go people. 52 days. Count them. This is going to hoover through jokes like Stevie Nicks doing coke backstage at a Fleetwood Mac reunion show. We need your help. Please send your new or used-but-in-good-condition jokes to us here at ALIAS POOR YORICK. It's going to be a long and arduous comedy slog. All political jokes gratefully accepted. And no please do not send me Clive Palmer in a Quickpost bag. You'll need something sturdier.

* Our crack investigative team today discovered that Deputy Prime Minister Barnaby Joyce is being kept under heavy sedation in a shearers' hut somewhere in the Wimmera until he shuts up about carp.

* And finally, Senate Candidate & former lead singer of Rose Tattoo, Mr Angry Anderson displays a startling new full body tattoo of a business suit.




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