* Results may vary : 'Ere,what's that Dutton over there for ?

                                                                                   

DUTTON BEGS PM TO GIVE BACK HIS LIPS

This was the week the government panicked over the lack of re-election traction afforded by policies like Vote for Malcolm, you can't go wrong with a man who owns 24 pairs of ocelot-fur underpants, and Vote for Us, you'll all make lots of money and your penis will grow bigger, & decided to pass the ball to Immigration Minister Peter Dutton so he could try out Vote for Us, we hate foreigners who want to come and live here and we know that you do to.

Dutton told a grateful nation that the trouble with refugees is that they want to come here. No wait, there's more. They want to come here and they are all illiterate (many of them in more than one language) and innumerate and half of them couldn't even count which left them perfectly poised to steal jobs from illiterate and innumerate Australians. He did not go into detail as to how exactly that implausible scenario would play out, but added that on top of that some of them smelt, and that guy over there looked at me funny. Clearly we should, he declared, build a wall around Centrelink and make the shiftless immigrants pay for it.

Opposition Leader Bill Shorten said that he was very disappointed to hear the Liberal Party taking this tack, that he didn't feel they were right, and really they needed to do better. Panicked minders sedated him and dragged him away before he got any crazier.

Greens Leader Richard "Rickroll Me" di Natale was busy feeding legalized heroin to his rescue ferret in attempt to convince it to vote Yes on same-sex marriage when reporters called for a response. He  frowned repeatedly for a moment, added that he was of course appalled and furthermore this was typical of the Liberal-National Party's failure to address the transgender toilet issue. But come to think of it his own father might have been an immigrant,  and Peter Dutton really is a bastard.

Malcolm Turnbull defended his workmate saying Dutton is an excellent Immigration Minister, a pretty fair kick-boxer, and a loving foster father to his twin White rats Pauline and Hanson. He added that Opposition Leader Bill Shorten and Greens Svengali Richard di Natale had been really rather awful to Dutton, a good man doing a difficult job in difficult times, and honestly they'd just been beastly and owed Mr Dutton a hug.

LATEST POLLS

* 28%  Want Turnbull as PM but aren't voting for the LNP
*  35%  Favour Turnbull as PM but don't like his ties and he should go back to blue like Tony wore
* 22%  Will vote for Bill Shorten and his Labour Party but hold the cheese and the pickle.
*  8 %   Thought Shorten and Turnbull made quite a nice couple at that first debate & maybe they should get together and work something out.
*  51%  Thought that Dark Side of the Moon was the greatest record ever made
*  1%    Wanted Tony Abbott to fuck off and die but to be fair there is a margin of error associated with any poll such as this and this might have been just one guy with an expensive haircut and a large property on Sydney Harbour screaming drunkenly into the night.