A MOMENT'S SILENCE

 ........ did he say a moment's silence or a minute's silence ?  I can't remember, God I hate these things  .. I need some really solemn respectful thoughts. We're remembering this woman .. you know .. whatsername .. it doesn't matter if I didn't know her. No man is an island; do not ask for whom the bell tolls, just google Ernest Hemingway .. what ? ... you'd think I could just concentrate on this person for just a  .. I wonder who gets to name cars, that'd be a good job. I could do that. A Toyota Hypochondria .. Would you actually be driving one, or would you just think you were? I'm going to open my eyes for a second. Hah. Caught you. You don't have to look embarrassed I mean  it's not a rule. Or is it ?  Why don't Volkswagen make a "Nuremberg". Best ever name for a rally car. I'm bad. I'm going to hell . There's no hell. Yes there is, and all they do all day is play back-to-back episodes of Junior MasterChef. And those f---ing Shane Warne f---ing hair clinic f---ing ads. I'm bad.  I mean this woman.... whats-her-name ... real person, someone's wife, someone's mother ... How come you never see any ugly teenage vampires ? Where are they all ? Oh shut the f---  up. And mate, yes you over there. Supposed to be a moment' silence. If that shirt was any louder we'd all have bleeding eardrums. Oh God I'm bad. I'm sorry God. If there is a God.  Dear God why is Richard Dawkins so angry ? Oh that's right you don't exist - dear Richard Dawkins, why is Richard Dawkins so angry ? I wonder what God looks like ?  Is he fat do you reckon ? I mean I suppose all that being omnipresent would burn a few calories but all the same ... I'm bad. Have I really got such a short attention span that ..  is it supposed to be exactly one minute ?  Is that enough ? Does anyone ever time this ? I mean this is out of control, I reckon it's been at least ten, fifteen minutes. No f--- it, next time I'm timing this. Sixty seconds exactly then I'm calling it:
"Time's up. They're done.Life goes on. Let's play Bingo" I'm so bad. Why can't I just concentr ... I reckon you should be able to change your height by deed poll. I want to be 6' 2".... Come on, how much longer. Really... If a tree falls in the forest & there's no-one to hear it, who'll call the council to chop it up & take it away so I can ride my mountain bike there. I'm sorry. Sorry God. Anyone. Everyone... I am absolutely definitely going into some total Zen meditative zone. NOW. FOR AGES.NO THINKING.NOTHING... Does your penis really get smaller as you get older ? What a bastard of an idea. Not fair. Everything else grows - ears, nose, hairs on the nose. Oi. God. Stop being omnipresent for a minute and get  over here. I've got  bone to pick with you.... Okay, I'm looking again. Not up this time. Just down and around. Maaaate. Those shoes. Are you training to be a cad or what ? Where's your dodgy little pork pie hat and tweed jacket with the weasel in the pocket ?

"Okay. Time's up. Life goes on. Let's play bingo"

 Dear God please tell me someone else said that                                                                                                                                                                

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