ALIAS POOR YORICK

THE PRIME MINISTER MALCOLM TURNBULL People of Australia, this is just a terrific little budget. It's beautifully designed, low mileage, and finished in a gorgeous duck-egg blue that'll take your breath away. It's in such great shape you'll never believe it's second-hand. Now let me make one thing perfectly clear: We have, and have always had, a strong and coherent position on Tax Reform. What has become apparent in recent days, however, is the possibility that our position is in the wrong place, given the prevailing winds and overall weather conditions. Which is why we are offering tax cuts to the middle class. Let me hasten to add that we are not in the business of changing our position willy-nilly in a tawdry attempt to buy votes, we are simply shifting it about three hundred yards up the hill over there by that big tree.Where the mining industry can get a better look at it. Now it's also true that we are offering massive tax cuts to the banks. We h...

DONALD TRUMP WITH NEW NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISER Hello to all you proper American kids and Merry Easter. Welcome to the White House Easter-Egg Roll where we celebrate the birthday of Jesus by playing games and eating a lot of chocolate. It's a pity Melania couldn't join us here today. I'm pretty sure she was here, but she's been cropped out by the Fake News Media. Sad. As I look out over this sea of faces, I see an army of kids. And I'm reminded of how lucky we are to live in a country like America where we have the biggest and mightiest and greatest armed forces. Which is great. Really great. It's important to remember this stuff at Easter, especially if you're North Korea or Syria or any of those other countries in Europe who don't always agree with me. Which is sad for them. Before I go any further I'd like to take this opportunity to introduce our new Director of National Security, Insert Name Here. He's a close personal friend o...

                                                                                  Damn you collective coma induced by the most boring election campaign ever. Countdown into single figures now. Must fight overpowering urge to lie down in the snow and sleep forever. Desperate times.Have had to resort to continuous i/v drip of uberdexamphetamines in order to meet a deadline or two. The electors are heading in their droves, or even someone else's droves, away from the major parties and into the amateurishly-tattooed arms of the minor parties. To understand why, please study this image of the deputy Prime Minister ....                                               ...

PM TURNBULL REACTS TO LATEST POLLING FIGURES  This Special Edition of * Results may vary is bought to you by the Narcolepsy Awareness Foundation. Have you been having trouble staying awake during this interminable election campaign ? I know we have. It feels like the whole office has been in some sort of coma/nightmare where absolutely nothing happens for days on end and then we start getting pictures of Turnbull and Shorten kissing dogs and Christopher Pyne starts singing "Jobs and Growth, Jobs and Growth" to a tune from Oklahoma and then Bill Shorten makes a speech and we all go back to sleep.. Or is that just me ? Should I stop having Beaujolais and Camembert for breakfast?  God help us it's been a drizzle. I haven't been this bored since I got lumbered with Tony Abbott late one night in the Press Club on his third bottle of St Henri and crapping on about how he'd shaved four minutes off the bike-riding leg of the Triathlon by wearing special Lycra un...

LIBERAL FUNDRAISING EVENT AT MALCOLM'S HOUSE What a week it's been on the campaign trail. There's been heat. There's been passion. There's been bitter and violent argument over exactly what percentile fraction house prices will grow more slowly under Labor's proposed negative gearing and capital gains tax changes. Many have stayed awake during this. Not moi unfortunately.  It's all a bit hazy. There's been a lot of talk about sex. Some of it involving animals. And people keep forgetting about houses they own. * Malcolm Turnbull was kissed by a dog called Brando & then Bill Shorten went out jogging and made friends with a Great Dane because apparently whoever gets slobbered on by the biggest dog gets to be Prime Minister. It's a new rule. * National Party MP George Christensen said he would rather shove two Tasmanian devils on heat down his pants than do a deal with the Greens. Which leads us to wonder how he knows this for sure. PM Ma...

                                                                                    DUTTON BEGS PM TO GIVE BACK HIS LIPS This was the week the government panicked over the lack of re-election traction afforded by policies like Vote for Malcolm, you can't go wrong with a man who owns 24 pairs of ocelot-fur underpants, and Vote for Us, you'll all make lots of money and your penis will grow bigger, & decided to pass the ball to Immigration Minister Peter Dutton so he could try out Vote for Us, we hate foreigners who want to come and live here and we know that you do to. Dutton told a grateful nation that the trouble with refugees is that they want to come here. No wait, there's more. They want to come here and they are all illiterate (many of them in more than one langu...