The Prime Minister Replies to the Reply to the Rebuttal of the Budget By Some People Who Clearly Didn't Understand To Start With
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THE PRIME MINISTER MALCOLM TURNBULL |
People of Australia, this is just a terrific little budget. It's beautifully designed, low mileage, and finished in a gorgeous duck-egg blue that'll take your breath away. It's in such great shape you'll never believe it's second-hand. Now let me make one thing perfectly clear: We have, and have always had, a strong and coherent position on Tax Reform. What has become apparent in recent days, however, is the possibility that our position is in the wrong place, given the prevailing winds and overall weather conditions. Which is why we are offering tax cuts to the middle class. Let me hasten to add that we are not in the business of changing our position willy-nilly in a tawdry attempt to buy votes, we are simply shifting it about three hundred yards up the hill over there by that big tree.Where the mining industry can get a better look at it.
Now it's also true that we are offering massive tax cuts to the banks. We hoped you might not spot that but look it's a fact of life that the big banks need a hand I mean they've got themselves in a bit of a pickle haven't they, and it's really your money that we're concerned about here. Besides, you have my solemn promise they'll get nothing unless they promise to behave themselves a great deal better in the future.
Look, over there, it's a giraffe. No, I'm sorry, it's not a giraffe, it's Tony Abbott standing on top of a stepladder yelling "give me Lycra or give me death", Don't say anything, it'll just encourage him. Now, back to the financial flimflam.
Predictably, the Opposition has jumped in with wild offers of bigger tax cuts. Bigger maybe, but are they better ? Are they, people of Australia, in any way as elegant and well-crafted as our tax-cuts ? I think not. Do they feel right ? Do they smell right ? Are they you ? Because that's what this Budget is all about. Making it right for you. We know you want a budget you're at home with. Like truffles and Beaujolais. And believe me we know what you want because we asked you to tell us and we listened.
Commodore Withering-Glance (RAN, ret.) of Beaumaris told us he was concerned about high levels of external debt and wants to bring back war-bonds. We listened to you Commodore, and that's why we're offering tax cuts to the middle class
Sharon of Ascot Vale complained that her children hardly ring her anymore, and thinks that Tarot readings should be tax-deductible. We listened to you Sharon, and that's why we're offering tax cuts to the middle class.
Jonty, a day trader at CBA, complained that cocaine is far too expensive in Australia. Jonty we hear you, and that's why we're offering tax cuts to the middle class. And Jonty, here's the private number of the cultural attache at the American embassy. Wouldn't hurt to give him a call.
And there are others. Many others. You can trust me on that. But of course there's more to this budget than just tax cuts:
We intend to institute a range of measures which will effectively remove the artificial pegging of Reserve Bank interest rate movement to dimorphic resonance cross-referencing of international market trends, thus allowing interest rates to move of their own accord toward the general direction of magnetic north, rather than be hemmed in by constant alignment with the cost of long-term parking in the inner city. This will give jobs and infrastructure a much more natural ongoing stimulus. You beauty. Also I've thrown in my wife's famous chili recipe, there's some handy tips on how to get upgraded to business class on those long haul flights, and we've slipped in a couple of crafty digital media tax moves which will pretty much guarantee Australia a win in next year's Eurovision.
People this is a big bouncing brilliant budget, and it's wearing mink underpants so let's make this happen. If I could have a show of hands, or if you're being held hostage by crazy people on the cross-benches simply blink twice, and we can make Australia even more great again than it was before.
I'm Malcolm, I'm still fabulous from time to time, and if you vote for me I'll buy you all a pony.
Caio
Look, over there, it's a giraffe. No, I'm sorry, it's not a giraffe, it's Tony Abbott standing on top of a stepladder yelling "give me Lycra or give me death", Don't say anything, it'll just encourage him. Now, back to the financial flimflam.
Predictably, the Opposition has jumped in with wild offers of bigger tax cuts. Bigger maybe, but are they better ? Are they, people of Australia, in any way as elegant and well-crafted as our tax-cuts ? I think not. Do they feel right ? Do they smell right ? Are they you ? Because that's what this Budget is all about. Making it right for you. We know you want a budget you're at home with. Like truffles and Beaujolais. And believe me we know what you want because we asked you to tell us and we listened.
Commodore Withering-Glance (RAN, ret.) of Beaumaris told us he was concerned about high levels of external debt and wants to bring back war-bonds. We listened to you Commodore, and that's why we're offering tax cuts to the middle class
Sharon of Ascot Vale complained that her children hardly ring her anymore, and thinks that Tarot readings should be tax-deductible. We listened to you Sharon, and that's why we're offering tax cuts to the middle class.
Jonty, a day trader at CBA, complained that cocaine is far too expensive in Australia. Jonty we hear you, and that's why we're offering tax cuts to the middle class. And Jonty, here's the private number of the cultural attache at the American embassy. Wouldn't hurt to give him a call.
And there are others. Many others. You can trust me on that. But of course there's more to this budget than just tax cuts:
We intend to institute a range of measures which will effectively remove the artificial pegging of Reserve Bank interest rate movement to dimorphic resonance cross-referencing of international market trends, thus allowing interest rates to move of their own accord toward the general direction of magnetic north, rather than be hemmed in by constant alignment with the cost of long-term parking in the inner city. This will give jobs and infrastructure a much more natural ongoing stimulus. You beauty. Also I've thrown in my wife's famous chili recipe, there's some handy tips on how to get upgraded to business class on those long haul flights, and we've slipped in a couple of crafty digital media tax moves which will pretty much guarantee Australia a win in next year's Eurovision.
People this is a big bouncing brilliant budget, and it's wearing mink underpants so let's make this happen. If I could have a show of hands, or if you're being held hostage by crazy people on the cross-benches simply blink twice, and we can make Australia even more great again than it was before.
I'm Malcolm, I'm still fabulous from time to time, and if you vote for me I'll buy you all a pony.
Caio
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