I AM THE WALRUS, I AM THE EASTER EGGMAN

DONALD TRUMP WITH NEW NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISER

Hello to all you proper American kids and Merry Easter. Welcome to the White House Easter-Egg Roll where we celebrate the birthday of Jesus by playing games and eating a lot of chocolate. It's a pity Melania couldn't join us here today. I'm pretty sure she was here, but she's been cropped out by the Fake News Media. Sad.

As I look out over this sea of faces, I see an army of kids. And I'm reminded of how lucky we are to live in a country like America where we have the biggest and mightiest and greatest armed forces. Which is great. Really great. It's important to remember this stuff at Easter, especially if you're North Korea or Syria or any of those other countries in Europe who don't always agree with me. Which is sad for them.

Before I go any further I'd like to take this opportunity to introduce our new Director of National Security, Insert Name Here. He's a close personal friend of mine, I've known him for many weeks and he's great. Just great. He's been Chief Security Dude at two of Washington's toughest Shopping Malls, he's a great shot, and those charges against him of selling defective second-hand punctuation to schoolchildren were never proved.

Speaking of lies and false accusations I need to take a moment to talk about my penis. Fake News has pointed at my hands and made jokes. Let me tell you, there's nothing wrong with my penis. It's great. And there isn't just one. Oh no. I've got four or five. No five. That's four more than Obama had, so there. This administration will go down in history as having more penises than any administration ever. Don't believe the Fake News Media.

Kids, I love Easter. Peace and Goodwill to all as we celebrate Jesus' birthday .. what ... oh right. That's right: Christmas = birthday. Easter = death. I got it. Anyway. I love to celebrate Easter. I've always felt that Jesus and I have a lot in common - we've both got the great hair, we both want to make our country great, and we've both been crucified by the Fake News Media. Of course Jesus was also actually crucified, which must have been a bummer. Now of course that was a really bad thing the Romans did, really bad, but you have to remember there were faults on both sides.

And good things on both sides. I mean the Romans brought order and plumbing, and Jesus brought peace and love and Easter eggs. I think though the big takeaway message from Jesus was "Love thy neighbour but make sure they keep the hell away from you and stay down in Mexico", Or something very like that. So Jesus really when you think about it totally agreed with me. It was in one of the gospels. And don't forget that Jesus didn't speak English very well and you have to be super-intelligent like me to completely understand what he was saying.

Now people have said to me that isn't even in the Gospels and I say maybe we need more gospels. How many gospels did we have when Obama was in, four ? Well we're gonna have eight, maybe ten. At least ten. Jarrod, Ivanka, Steve - get typing. We're going to make the Bible great again.

So look okay kids, you have a great afternoon. Enjoy the eggs. And .. you know what, I've just had a great idea - I'm gonna give you all guns. Yeah. Can we do that ? Can we organize that ?  The AR-15 Junior. Great gun for kids. You'll love 'em. And don't forget, only shoot bad people. Enjoy the serenity.

..... One final footnote: Our National Security Adviser, Insert Name Here has done a really excellent job in serving his country over the past fifteen minutes & is retiring to learn ballroom dancing and  spend more time with his family. I'd like to announce our new National Security Adviser, Insert Name Here. He's a close personal friend of mine, I've known him since the beginning of recorded time. He's a expert on cheese and arc-welding and played a robot gunslinger in the 1973 film Westworld: he's gonna be great.