ALIAS POOR YORICK

P.M. REACTS TO POLLS SHOWING BLAKE FROM "THE BACHELOR"  AHEAD OF HIM AS PREFERRED PRIME MINISTER   Do not be disturbed by my increasingly reptilian appearance. It's just a trick of the light. And I was having a bad hair day. In fact a number of bad hair days. I cannot in all honesty say I have had a good hair day since October 24th 1973, and I'm not even positive about that as I recall coming second in a boxing match in the morning and may be mistaken about the good hair day thing.  Nor should you pay any attention to those crackpot theories about earth being invaded by a race of super-intelligent alien reptiles who have disguised themselves as world leaders and taken control. I promise you there is no truth whatsoever in such rumours. And I would never lie to you. As such. I hate my life right now. you've got no idea what's it's like. I keep having this terrible dream where I'm in Parliament and I call Bill Shorten the Prime minister. What ? ...

DR BRICKLAW CURMUDGEON, UNICORN EXPERT Welcome to part two of "How the Unicorn Became Extinct". If you haven't read part one, I suggest you do so immediately. It's not compulsory of course, but if you don't then I'm going to have to produce a snappy, coherent summary of the narrative arc so far, and quite frankly I'm just a tad exhausted from chasing down that unreliable bastard Atticus Finch.  I don't know, you try to support writers, I pay him good money, and he can't finish the job. A deadline's a deadline. He promised me Part Two by the end of the day, first thing tomorrow at the latest. Then by lunchtime at the very very latest.  I'm not saying he's a lying unreliable alcoholic swine but I start getting these texts:    Toe bitten off by rabid Pekingese/Pomeranian Cross. In hospital for shots and toe transplant. Need an extra four hours to finish.    Trapped in Woolworths car park for three hours by psychotic womba...

Special Guest Author ATTICUS FINCH Everyone knows that animals can count. What is less well known is that they are really sloppy about it. It tends to go 4,5,6......lots. Which is okay I guess. If a lion asks another lion how many antelope there are over there and the answer is 'lots', it doesn't matter much if there's eleven antelope or sixteen, because 'lots' means lunch is here. Likewise, if an antelope asks another antelope how many lions there are over there and the first antelope says "lots", it doesn't matter whether there's twelve or twenty lions because really we are in deep shit. Unicorns were at the time a prized delicacy and demand was fierce. Occasionally a worried lion would ask just how many unicorn were left, and of course the answer was always "lots". A group of lions grew concerned when it became obvious to them that the "lots"of unicorn were considerable smaller than the "lots"of the previ...

PRIME MINISTER TONY ABBOTT Hello Blokes, Diggers, and Cobbers of Australia. It is my very great privilege as Prime Minister of this very great country to have a bit of a natter with you this evening. A bit of a chat in plain lingo you can all understand. Because plain speaking is what we in this government are all about. And there are things, stone the flaming crows mate, you need to be told. I think I should start by reminding you that in the first year of this government wombat-related deaths are at an all time low, hippopotamus-related deaths have virtually disappeared, and as a result of this government's  bold decision to ban climate change we have saved billions of dollars of spending on climate change-related measures. Now, onto matters of international importance. Putin the blame where blame belongs. Laugh laugh. Did you see what I did there ? Bit of a pun. Bit of a joke. People say I have no sense of humour. They are wrong. I write most of Joe Hockey's dialo...

If you eat enough kale you will live forever. Maybe even longer. You've all heard the crazy talk, the wild claims, the quasi-religious fervour. Is kale that good ? Can it all be true. Yes it can. Yes it is. Yes. Oh yes. If you're not eating your own body-weight in kale every week you're being a fool to yourself and a burden to others. Some say that kale is almost as good as sex and money and religion all wrapped into one. This is of course quite ridiculous - kale is better than that. A single cup of raw kale every day will give you the ability to conquer large chunks of Europe and bits of North Africa while designing champagne glasses in your spare time. Just ask Napoleon Bonaparte. Kale will make you taller, whiten your teeth, and massively increase the love and respect you get from your family and friends. Your ability to speak foreign languages will improve by up to 50%. Making kale an integral part of your diet will change your life in many and wondrous ways. ...

I've had this rather disturbing letter I thought I should share with you all. It's from a Mr Billable-Hours of the eminent legal firm  Ersatz, Cocaine, Ponytail, and Bottomfeeder Mr Jeff Browett Editor/CEO ALIAS POOR YORICK Dear Sir, I'm writing in regard to your two sons Rupert and Frinton (Good God man what were you thinking ? Were you drunk ? Trying to get them into Eton ? Both ?) who you sold to the gypsies twelve years ago for allegedly "being naughty". I represent the two gypsies to whom you sold the boys. There appear to be a number of problems with the arrangement, to whit (no I don't know what it means either but my boss told me I had to put in stuff like that). Anyway. There is no legal basis, either in statute or by common law precedent, to sell your children to the gypsies "for being naughty" Secondly, and I've consulted with colleagues on this one, refusing to buy you a carton of Benson & Hedges and deliver it to ...

    Let's make no mistake about it, there will be legal action. I'm sick of people stealing my ideas before I've even had them and yes Nick Cave I'm talking to you. Don't try to pretend you've forgotten that night we spent in Berlin at the Bildungsroman Bar drinking bats blood & ketamine cocktails and talking about film. I reckoned I could make a more pretentious film about myself than you could and you said "No Jeff, you're wrong. No-one could make a more pretentious film about themselves than I could". Okay Nick, so you win, but did you have to steal all my ideas ?  My film was directed by my barista Jvornquist & my personal pubic hair stylist Narelle ClimateChangeAction.com.au ( politics and pubic hair are a powerful combination). They have no actual experience of film-making as such but they are both intensively creative and interesting people and if you take a couple of Dramamine before the movie starts you can deal pretty well ...