TONY ABBOTT IS AS MAD AS HELL

PRIME MINISTER TONY ABBOTT

Hello Blokes, Diggers, and Cobbers of Australia.

It is my very great privilege as Prime Minister of this very great country to have a bit of a natter with you this evening. A bit of a chat in plain lingo you can all understand. Because plain speaking is what we in this government are all about. And there are things, stone the flaming crows mate, you need to be told.

I think I should start by reminding you that in the first year of this government wombat-related deaths are at an all time low, hippopotamus-related deaths have virtually disappeared, and as a result of this government's  bold decision to ban climate change we have saved billions of dollars of spending on climate change-related measures.

Now, onto matters of international importance. Putin the blame where blame belongs. Laugh laugh. Did you see what I did there ? Bit of a pun. Bit of a joke. People say I have no sense of humour. They are wrong. I write most of Joe Hockey's dialogue and that always gets a laugh. Anyway.

Look let me make one thing perfectly clear - I am not about to be pushed around by some mongrel bastard metrosexual poof oligarch Russian dictator and his poofy metrosexual shaved chest. That's not a real man's chest, that's a bloody girls chest that is. That's the sort of chest you'd only find on a boy. You're just a boy. So it's no bloody wonder Mr Putin, that you're a bit frightened when I threaten to shirtfront you. Oh yes matey cobber digger bloke I'm prepared to go the biff. There'll be an elbow sandwich on your morning smoko menu mate. I'll throw any bloody number of bewildering Aussie expressions at you till I make myself perfectly clear. Speaking of which, when I say "shirtfront" what I really mean is bring up the matter in a clear and forthright manner. If that's all right with you and your advisers. If there's time. After we watch the video of you wrestling the bear. I'm not an unreasonable man.

Now. About coal. Coal is the best thing ever. You can burn it and keep warm. You can burn lots of it and make trains go really fast. And have really loud whistles. Way cool. It's the future. And it is perfectly safe if burned in the correct fashion - in a large country well away from Australia. Coal is also delicious and has virtually no side-effects. It clears the mind wonderfully & I personally  have found it to be enormously useful for keeping away impure thoughts. Coal could save your marriage.

And finally, Australia is a terrific and great country and has no pollution. This has been confirmed by my very good friend and intellectual equal the Treasurer Mr Joe Hockey. Oh I know you'll say the facts are against us here, but I would say to you that we have little use for the facts, we're looking for the truth. Or something that looks a lot like it. We're a big picture government and sometimes details just get in the way. You know it's true, Blue.

And, even more finally, a word to the starving countries. If you want more food, grow more potatoes and rice and shit. Do I have to do all the thinking here ?