THE PRIME MINISTER TONY ABBOTT

P.M. REACTS TO POLLS SHOWING BLAKE FROM "THE BACHELOR"  AHEAD OF HIM AS PREFERRED PRIME MINISTER  

Do not be disturbed by my increasingly reptilian appearance. It's just a trick of the light. And I was having a bad hair day. In fact a number of bad hair days. I cannot in all honesty say I have had a good hair day since October 24th 1973, and I'm not even positive about that as I recall coming second in a boxing match in the morning and may be mistaken about the good hair day thing.  Nor should you pay any attention to those crackpot theories about earth being invaded by a race of super-intelligent alien reptiles who have disguised themselves as world leaders and taken control. I promise you there is no truth whatsoever in such rumours. And I would never lie to you. As such.

I hate my life right now. you've got no idea what's it's like. I keep having this terrible dream where I'm in Parliament and I call Bill Shorten the Prime minister. What ? I did ? Oh fuck. I'm cracking up. I'm blame Peta. She's so bossy. I mean why would I be scared of Putin, he only had to wrestle a bear, I have to face this woman every day. And the bear was heavily drugged & the whole thing was orchestrated by the KGB. I wonder if I could try that with Peta. I keep trying to explain her to overseas counterparts - it's like Satan and Zena Warrior Princess had a child and then handed her over to Margaret Thatcher to teach her warmth and compassion. I'm scared of her. I don't want to do this anymore. I'm sick of this job. They said it would be easy, just be a complete bastard they said,  so I was a complete bastard and now everyone just hates me. Where's the justice ?

And now even bloody Joe Hockey's wimping out on me. He said if anyone started picking on us he'd just be punching on with them and making them cry, and now he's like all "Help me Tony, the budget's rooted, what do I do now ?" And I'm like oh for fucksake Joe, just the same as we always do - keep lying and blame it all on the Labour Party. Tell everyone Julia Gillard stole 240 billion dollars and spent it on her luxury mansion in Altona and generally spoiled everything with her girl germs. Just like Julie Bishop's doing in Lima. But don't say that bit out loud. Just the stuff about Gillard. Do I have to think of everything ? Well no actually, not with Peta around, but that's not the point.

Would you like some coal ? Go on, have some coal, I'll be your best friend. Go on.

I'm sorry I lost my mind there for a moment, it's not easy you know running this bloody circus, I've got the Greens banging on about stopping rain falling on forests and wanting to install car parking for the emotionally-handicapped and that bloody Scott Ludlam sends his hair along to Question Time to ask Eric Abetz and George Brandis questions they can't possibly answer while he stays in his office and takes the piss out of me on social media. Spewing.

I just thought being a mean lying bastard would be so much easier than this. I think I need a bike ride. Tour de France maybe.

Before I go I just want to make one thing perfectly clear : we all think Christopher Pyne is a prat. No really.

Oh, and about the Alien Reptile Master-Race thing. When I said that wasn't true, that may not have been the complete truth at least in a bare statistical factually-based sort of a way. It is true that the statement in question may, on reflection, have been at an awkward angle geometrically-speaking to the truth.

Now bring me small rodents and large insects. I am hungry.