HOW THE UNICORN BECAME EXTINCT : Part Two

DR BRICKLAW CURMUDGEON, UNICORN EXPERT


Welcome to part two of "How the Unicorn Became Extinct". If you haven't read part one, I suggest you do so immediately. It's not compulsory of course, but if you don't then I'm going to have to produce a snappy, coherent summary of the narrative arc so far, and quite frankly I'm just a tad exhausted from chasing down that unreliable bastard Atticus Finch.

 I don't know, you try to support writers, I pay him good money, and he can't finish the job. A deadline's a deadline. He promised me Part Two by the end of the day, first thing tomorrow at the latest. Then by lunchtime at the very very latest.  I'm not saying he's a lying unreliable alcoholic swine but I start getting these texts:

   Toe bitten off by rabid Pekingese/Pomeranian Cross. In hospital for shots and toe transplant. Need an extra four hours to finish. 


  Trapped in Woolworths car park for three hours by psychotic wombat. Traumatized. Need extra day. 


   Being sued for libel by Pekingese/Pomeranian Cross Breeders Association. Forced to take high-paying assignment for The New Yorker in order to cover legal fees. Flying to Kiev to interview bear who wrestled Putin. Will finish unicorn story on plane.


   All air travel cancelled due to psychic unrest in south and south-east Kazakhstan. Continuing by camel. Suspect my food poisoned with opium or hashish. Maybe both. Also, no WiFi. Please advise re delivery methods for manuscript. 

                        And finally:

  Stranded in Kiev. Leg amputated at knee after attack by bear. Laptop and passport stolen by Edward Snowden. Please send money.  


I don't think so pal. Hey, I can see the funny side, I tempted to send you the Writers Guild minimum for the texts, a bit of effort in there, but that's it. You're gone. Get your empty gin bottles and your battered Olivetti and go. I'm sorry you had to see that ladies and gentlemen. The seamy side of the glamorous world of comedy blogging. On with the show....

I've engaged the service of the eminent academic, Dr Bricklaw Curmudgeon, Professor of Lion History & Media studies at a proper university somewhere.

HOW THE UNICORN BECAME EXTINCT: PART TWO

 It's tempting to blame the hippos, but really they were just a sideshow. They came to the story late, made a big fuss about being a nation of developing carnivores who'd never had a decent crack at the whole unicorn delicacy thing and why should they have show restraint when it was lions who'd eaten the .. well .. you know .. the lion's share of the unicorns already. It wasn't fare. I mean it wasn't fair. You'll have to remember that lions, as well as being not much chop at counting ( remember ? 3,4,5, lots) are shit spellers. How I ever got my doctrite I'm buggered if I know. Anyweigh. Some of the lions laughed at the hippos' complaints, saying they weren't even carnivores at all what with them being vegetarians & it was just daft of them to want to eat unicorns at all. So the hippos killed a couple of these loudmouth lions. Hippos are very fast and surprisingly bad-tempered. And as we know from part one - no-one likes a smartass. After that the lions deemed it prudent to leave the hippos out of all further renewable-unicorn target policy discussions.

A few on the lion lunatic fringe would like to blame the monkeys for the terrible unicorn shortages of the years lots and the ones after lots, but I have to be brutally honest and admit their effect was minimal. All they did was get pissed, come in and steal a few unicorn and ride them round all night making a horrible noise and tiring the poor beasts to the point of exhaustion.

Many overlook the fact that the unicorns themselves had a part to play in their own destruction. Not everyone realises unicorns were a bunch of hopeless hapless stoned hippies. Who could be just downright annoying. Always with the "Please don't eat us. Please don't kill us and eat us. You do realise how much you're oppressing us with the killing and eating thing. So uncool. Here we baked you some delicious mock unicorn brownies out of alfalfa sprouts and tofu". I mean seriously, an hour of this and the Dali Lama would've clubbed  a couple to death & barbecued them with a nice damson and Cointreau sauce. And they were always so stoned they couldn't figured out which way to run when it was time to run away. Just fucking hopeless. Not trying to shift the blame here, but really, they were doomed.

And so it came to pass. One day, ignoring warnings that unicorn stocks were at a dangerously low level, two of the older lions, liquored up on jackal blood daiquiris, killed a couple of unicorn, barbecued them with a plum damson and Cointreau sauce and feasted upon them with unbounded enthusiasm, happily unaware they had just eaten the last unicorn.

"Pass the Chianti", belched one, "and tell me how many unicorn are left"

The other looked through bleary eyes at the corralled zebras pretending to be unicorn and said

"Lots"

                                           THE END
And the moral of the story is, if you wanted to stay alive don't be delicious. 

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